1. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.
6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh!thead's.
14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades ... now THAT'S a message!
15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
20. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
21. Welcome to Sh!t Creek -- Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
22. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
23. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
24. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
25. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
26. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Some of these strike way to close to home.