At what age should your kids be independent?

[dave1949]

Lots of good perspectives already.

There is another thing to consider. A young man with two children and separated/divorced already may have parents who missed a few steps themselves. People make their choices but, ending up in that position may mean he wasn't taught to make choices carefully. Or, he could be the Devil's Spawn who never listened to good advice. :laughing:

Whatever the past may have been, the future is what is important. People mature at different ages, perhaps he is running a little late. He is not in a good position and education can be the way to improve that.

If the degree he is pursuing is a useful one with a reasonable chance to make a living from it, then I can see the parents getting him over the hump for everyone's sake. If the degree is not going to be useful for earning a living, then there is no plan for success and that needs to be addressed.

If your friends ever ask, I would tell them to make clear to their son that the financial help ends in two years, by which time that degree should be finished. I don't consider grandparents baby sitting financial help really, many enjoy that time more than anything else in their lives. If they don't, or want less of that, then they need to communicate that.

Life is a generational progression of sorts. We had the same deal as MossRoad at home after high school. For the past five years, I've provided a place for my widowed Mom to live, and will continue to as long as she is able to live independently. I have no idea what comes after that. Life has two ends and a middle.

 

[ovrszd]

A few months ago I was watching CBS This Morning. They were talking to some guy about this topic. He said the average age when kids become independent today is 29. I was shooting/killing men and being shot at myself when I was 20. I moved out on my own at 18.

My eldest Son became independent at 19.

Second Son died 2 weeks before turning 19 and was independent.

Third Son was independent at 18. He's 30 now, married with 4 boys, paying for their own house and acreage. I have this vision of him laughing and cracking jokes if I said in today's World he'd only be off the tit a year.....

I'm so sick of young men and women in their 20's today boo hooing about how hard it is. Give me a break.

Ya wanna help your 20 something, cut the rope. They'll thank you in 10 years and they'll criticize the 20 somethings around them still suckling.

 

[blueriver]

I believe if they keep asking and we keep giving nothing changes .. I told mine no so often from a young age they learned if you want it work for it ..

Non of my kids ask .. They are all independent have their own jobs and families ... One has no problems .. One has a few and one has everyday problems .. Still don't ask makes arrangements to deal with life's problems

 

[2LaneCruzer]

Someone once said that there will always be someone in the family that has trouble coping with life and will need support. I have found that to be true, and no amount of analysis can explain it away.

 

[JDgreen227]

Thanks to all for the feedback, I do have other friends whose kids are quite independent at age 25, and another fellow whose 36 year old daughter isn't able to manage on her own. What I think is a major factor is the economic climate today, back in the early 70's I walked in off the street with a HS education and was hired for a full time job with perks and I never missed a day of pay in 31 years unless it was a mass temporary layoff for my union members. There are so many variables...my live in GF still teaches part time while I have been retired for over 11 years, my younger brother is a successful business owner, while my older sister never has been and never will be worth a d*** at supporting herself.

 

[kenmac]

Good topic... I have a friend like that. He gives $$ to his adult married daughter . His daughter works and her husband works. He also has a son that is married. He gives them $$ for things as well. He always tells me he will never be able to afford to retire. I tell him to cut his grown children off and invest all this $$ and he can retire. He's paying back 2 student loans for his son that dropped out of college twice !!!. Now for me. I told my oldest son when he graduated HS, he could live at home I would pay for college and take care of his needs. He didn't want to do this. He wanted his own place so, I paid for college and he paid for everything else apt. rent, utilities, etc,etc,.He has been out of college for some time now married with 1 child and ,working as a Paramedic for 2 fire departments and hasn't asked for a dime. I gave my youngest son the same deal. Stay at home I take care of his needs and pay for college. He took the deal and is still at home while he attends college. I have made it very clear..... When they leave home they are on their own

 

[mjarrels]

As soon as possible! Spending the winter with my inlaws in the Philippines. Three of my wifes brothers and sisters have never moved out (mid 40's to mid 50's). One of her sisters has nothing, no house, no possessions at all except for a bunch of kids at all ages. FIL/MIL arn't young anymore and failing health. Sad sight to watch a 75 year old man hand washing his 45 year old daughters underware! Don't know what will happen when their parents die? Living over 9000 miles away, rest assure they won't be movin in with me!

mark

 

[texasjohn]

If we were all identical, there would be one answer. But, we're not and there isn't.

Most if not everyone on this forum is mature, independent and successful. Thus it's tempting to think that everyone else can and should be like us.

I don't think that all humans ever have or ever will ALL become mature, independent or successful. Some will, some won't.
I'm 70...let's talk about the old days....my dad's father had 3 boys, 1 girl.

One boy got PhD, worked way thru college, worked all his life, college professor, recognized superior in his field in both Texas and Mexico.

2nd boy got a bachelor's after WWII on GI bill, worked all his life, numerous patents, inventor, never married, assisted family members with his money.

3rd boy got PhD worked a little, almost always lived at home, became schizophrenic, literally crawled into a tree to roost with the chickens once, danger to self, required constant supervision....modern meds for mental illness came along too late for him.

girl flunked out...party girl and never worked a day in her life. Married twice, 1 daughter, degree, worked all her life and took care of her father, mother, grandfather, grandmother and uncle in the final 35+ years of their lives.

My grandfather bounced from job to job, getting fired from many, never held one for long, fundamentally was supported by grandmother who worked as a secretary and ran a boarding house for money.

Now, that's in a family where the IQ was substantially above 100 and native skills/ability abounded and there were NO alcoholics or drug users and NO social barriers such as discrimination, language.

So, it appears that both now and in the old days people find their way or lose their way with regularity.

And then there are the challenges faced by those of average IQ, or less, racial or religious or ethnic minorities, physical or mental disabilities, etc.....

There, but for fortune, go you and I.

Kinda a miracle that any of us end up being "normal," mature, independent, successful, self sufficient..

 

[Egon]

Golly, I've been on my own for over fifty years. Still waiting to grow up or find out what I want to do.

 

[RSKY]

Recently gave oldest daughter some money. She didn't ask for it but I thought she could use it. I think it actually ticked my son in law off. But she drives sixty miles a day and I wanted her in a NEW vehicle.

It is wonderful not to HAVE to support your kids but sometimes bad luck strikes and you have to. It is a different story when they don't try to provide for themselves. Recently talked to a guy whose daughter was on meth. He will be working at 70 to support her if she lives that long. Have another friend who has a daughter 28 going thru radiation for cancer. He will work until he dies raising two grandkids.

You will do what you have to for children and grands. But one year out of college, two out if high school if they don't go to college should be a cutoff point.

RSKY