Aviation Humor

[crash325]

> And now a few gems from Air Traffic Control
>
> =========================
>
> Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles ."
> Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
>
> =========================
>
> "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
> "Center, we are at 35,000 feet . How much noise can we make up here?"
> "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
>
> =========================
>
> O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
> "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three
> miles, Eastbound."
> United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the
> little Fokker in sight."
>
> =========================
>
> A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long
> roll out after touching down.
> San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the
> end of the runway, if you are able.
> If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a
> right at the lights and return to the airport."
>
> =========================
>
> A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard
> the following:
> Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
> Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
> Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane,
> in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
> Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
> "Because you lost the bloody war."
>
> =========================
>
> One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
> short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
> The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the
> Cherokee.
> Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and
> said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
> The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with
> a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.
> Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
>
> ==========================
>
> While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air
> flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose
> to nose with a United 727.
> An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air
> crew, screaming:
> "US Air 2771, where the **** are you going? I told you to turn right
> onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I
> know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D,
> but get it right!"
>
> Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
> hysterically:
> "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort
> this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
> You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour
> and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and
> how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
>
> "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
>
> Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
> silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to
> chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
> Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
>
> Just then, an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
> microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

----------

 

[k0ua]

"Because you lost the bloody war"...:rotfl:

They were all great! Including the pix.!

 

[cqaigy2]

Wow! Yes, i liked "Because you lost the bloody war" too.

 

[bcp]

Swiss pilot intrudes on Indonesian airspace, and is met with the famous circular firing squad.

Kompas.com Foto

Bruce

PS: Google translation:

FIELD , KOMPAS.com - A plane type red N54JX SE30 numbers forced down at Air Base ( airfield ) Soewondo , Medan , Thursday ( 10/04/2014 ) . Aircraft allegedly belonging to Swiss citizens were forced down because it is considered not a permit to fly across the airspace of Indonesia.

" He entered our territory without permission , so was told to go down , " said Pangkosek Hanudnas III First Field Marshal TNI Sungkono in Lanud Soewondo , Medan .

Based on information collected in the field , the pilot called Hainz Pieter fly from Colombo to Singapore . But up in the region of Meulaboh , Aceh , the plane was forced down by F16 belonging to the military because they do not fly or flight permit clearance .

SE30 aircraft which has a propeller at the muzzle was escorted by F-16s belonging to the military , until finally landing at air base Soewondo .

While in the former the Polonia Airport , the pilot was forced to show his luggage . Until now , the pilot is still being questioned in the office Soewondo air base . TRIBUN FIELD

 

[mjarrels]

Reminds me of two Navy pilots who landed at an Air Force base. Navy pilot looked at his co-pilot stating this is the shortest field I ever landed on. Co-pilot said, but look how wide it is!

mark

 

[square1]

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or Were we shot down?"

 

[crash325]

- -

 

[2LaneCruzer]

Here's some more stories; a long read, but some so funny I nearly wet my pants.

funny air traffic controllers quotes and amusing aviation conversations

 

[flyerdan]

I remember reading an I Learned About Flying From That column many years ago about someone having to do an off airport landing due to pulling the mixture instead of the lighter. (re:cartoon 3 above)

 

[bindian]

Thanks Jim. I haven't heard a few of those.
hugs, Brandi