?????? GROAN 2

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jerrybob

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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the crack and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
 
  
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Pixguy

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Joey goes to confession.


"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
 
  
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jerrybob

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend​

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My girlfriend said: "This is odd. They are really going at it. Surely the bull can't smell when she is ready?"

I said: "Oh, yes; it's nature . All animals can smell when the female is ready for sex."

Anyway, after the walk, I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye.

She said: "Take care and get yourself checked out for Covid-19."

Surprised, "Why do you say that?" I asked her.

She replied: "You seem to have lost your sense of smell."
 

Pixguy

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Proverbs


Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.



Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
 

Pixguy

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Did I see a joke disappear? It was questionable so I'm not surprised. Better the post disappear than the thread.
 

Pixguy

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I "cuckooed" an additional nine times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem irritated at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

I asked him why, and he replied, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shoot.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, tripped over the coffee table and cursed again.
 

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Practicing for a circus job?

circus practice.jpg
 
  
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Peace

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Seems to be an electrical problem...
 

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jerrybob

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Three men are chatting when the first says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber.​

"I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A pipe."

"I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician," says the second. "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A box of fuses."

"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse," says the third man.

The others stare, shocked and bewildered.

"How can you tell?" they ask.

"Because," replies the third man, "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A jockey."
 

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An invisible man and an invisible woman get married.... Their kids were nothing to look at either.
 

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Speaking of marriage, is this what’s meant by “biting off more than you can chew”?
 

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i7win7

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I believe those are called fire trucks
fire truck.jpg
 

dstig1

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Smoking will kill you.

Bacon will kill you.

But smoking bacon will cure it.
 

jerrybob

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Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"
 

turnkey4099

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Later that night:
Engineer: Chief
Chief: WTF?
Engineer: Well, what had happened wuz...

Middle of the night our local fire station caught fire. With all teh trucks in it...only working truck was "Wimpy" our very old antique from back in the 20s. They rolled it but the fittings didn't match up with the hydrants. All they could do was spectate until the nearest other station got there. All trucks and the station were a total loss but they did save the city hall that was attached.
 
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