?????? GROAN 2

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   / ?????? GROAN 2 #151  
I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license... and all just because of a police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
 
   / ?????? GROAN 2 #152  
When I was working at Quantico (Marine Corps base south of DC) I rode in a van pool up I-95. From the passenger's seat I saw women doing their hair and putting on makeup. I have also seen them watching a movie (the driver!). One time in stop and go traffic I saw a driver reading a book balanced on his steering wheel
On Capitol Beltway I saw driver in slow mowing traffic practicing with drum sticks on his steering wheel. He was fast, sticks were blur.
 
   / ?????? GROAN 2 #153  
This lady comes to a police station:

"I want to report crime. I was forced to have sex with ten men!"

"Don't worry, give us all the information and we will catch them all."

"But I don't need all of them, only number three, four and seven."
 
   / ?????? GROAN 2
  • Thread Starter
#154  
ghosts..jpeg
 
   / ?????? GROAN 2 #155  
In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time, so she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was. She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebbecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a ****in' wall."
 
   / ?????? GROAN 2 #156  
After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me" said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
 
   / ?????? GROAN 2 #157  
A day in a computer help desk worker.





Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?


Customer: A white one...

******

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ."

Customer: No . wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet.. it's still on my desk... Sorry...

******

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

******

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill

Gates!

******

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...

******

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah.................. Thank you.

******

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

******

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer

Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: Okay.

Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes.

Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another

keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah.. that one does work!

******

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

******

A customer couldn't get on the Internet:

Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

*****

Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

******

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

*******

And the winner is...

Helpdesk: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get

the circle around it?
 
   / ?????? GROAN 2
  • Thread Starter
#158  
you lied.jpeg
 
   / ?????? GROAN 2 #159  
A day in a computer help desk worker.





Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?


Customer: A white one...

******

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ."

Customer: No . wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet.. it's still on my desk... Sorry...

******

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

******

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill

Gates!

******

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it...

******

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah.................. Thank you.

******

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

******

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer

Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: Okay.

Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes.

Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another

keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah.. that one does work!

******

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, and the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

******

A customer couldn't get on the Internet:

Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

*****

Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

******

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

*******

And the winner is...

Helpdesk: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get

the circle around it?
I nominate this one for best of show. 👍
 
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