Groan part quatre

  
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D5336E9B-4A67-4CD2-9A88-87C9A1E79DAC.jpeg
 
  
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A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh, that?" she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."
 
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Mow that was funny
 
  
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Another "stolen" joke


Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
 
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
 
  
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These two guys made a pact with each other that the first one that died and went to heaven would come back as an angel after a couple weeks and tell the other one what it is like up there. The next day one of them had a heart attack and died. A couple weeks later he came back and found his buddy. His buddy says what's it like up there? He said well, I have some good news and some bad news.
The other one said what's the good news? The angel said well, we play baseball everyday. It's just a blast. His buddy says, what's the bad news? The angel said.
You're playing in Saturday's game.
 
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Teacher: "Little Johnny, tell us about the assassination of President Lincoln".

Little Johnny: "He was shot in the booth by John Wilkes".

Teacher: "NO! He was shot in the head by John Wilkes Booth!"

Little Johnny: "Well, he should have known not to go to the bathroom by himself".
 
  
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a
pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon
went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is
dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they
believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think
$5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary , Mother of Jesus!
Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic??"
 

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Punctuation is important in all things. :LOL:
 

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Punctuation is important

View attachment 728674

You MUST be off trail when hunting children!

Once out west at a National Park, we saw a sign that said something like “Parents: Keep children away from dangerous cliff.” I told my son to stand next to it and introduce himself to passing tourists “Hello, welcome to the park. I’m Cliff, would you like to see the lookout?”

Some people appreciate dark humor, others don’t.
 

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Our local newspaper had a big headline "Man dies after being pulled from the water"
My warped sense of humour has me thinking 'If they'd left him in the water he'd still be alive'.1
 
  
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There were posts deleted within the first ten. :)
Which should've been done instead of closing thread. That member was likely put on vacation but I hope he continues to post with tbn rules.
I come across dozens of memes and jokes that I enjoy and have forwarded to friends but won't post here.
 
  
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
 
  
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At breakfast, the husband says to his wife “What would you do if I won the Lotto?” She says, “ I’d take my half and leave you”! He says great, “Here's $6, I won $12 yesterday”! "Hey, stay in touch”.
 

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A man has 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
He says: "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?". The man shakes his head.
"No, they're all at the funeral."
 

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LOL, brings back memories.
Many years ago we had a record storm in Montreal.
Cars were buried and dozers used to clear the streets.
Having a snow sled back then I made a run for essentials (beer, bread milk and such).
It just so happened that a reporter was assigned to take some local pictures for the newspaper and he aske me to run him to the commuter train as that was the only mode of transportation running.

LOL, he took my photo with the sled as background and a case of 24's on my shoulder.
That photo made front page, (like 1/3 page large).

I still have it! (the photo, sled long gone)
 
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ovrszd

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LOL, brings back memories.
Many years ago we had a record storm in Montreal.
Cars were buried and dozers used to clear the streets.
Having a snow sled back then I made a run for essentials (beer, bread milk and such).
It just so happened that a reporter was assigned to take some local pictures for the newspaper and he aske me to run him to the commuter train as that was the only mode of transportation running.

LOL, he took my photo with the sled as background and a case of 24's on my shoulder.
That photo made front page, (like 1/3 page large).

I still have it!
Famous!!! Or Infamous!!! :D
 
  
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A man has 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
He says: "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?". The man shakes his head.
"No, they're all at the funeral."
0ADFC4CD-DA74-403F-BBB2-329BDC303390.jpeg
 
  
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An old man went to the social security office to sign up.
He had stood in the line for a very long time until it was finally his turn. The lady behind the counter ask him for identification. He went to get his wallet out of his back pocket and relized he had left it at home. The lady told him that was alright he could just show her his chest hairs and if they were grey she knew he was old enough for social security.

After everything was done there he went home and told his wife how his day went. He told her that he had forgotten his wallet at home and the lady at the social security office just ask him to pull down the front of his shirt and she could tell he was old enough.

After listening to his story his wife told him if he had dropped his pants he probably could have gotten disability too.
 
  
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A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
 

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As another forum I know has realized...mods are like diapers, both need changed out every so often.

Maybe or maybe not. Let’s speculate for a sec.

Could be the moderator is my old third grade nun who used to pull me around by the ear instead of rapping my knuckles with a ruler, as if that was less painful.

Could be a mod who submitted his own jokes and got no Likes.

Could be a farmer who is also a minister and doesn’t want to be around that one dude in the barbershop that tells the dirty jokes for fear of someone seeing the listener smiling afterwards.

Could be a middle age dude who only likes Dad jokes.

Could be a retired Disney PR manager.

Could be a young guy or girl that feels left out of anything mentioned that is more than a decade or two old.

Could be a ?
 

ovrszd

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Maybe or maybe not. Let’s speculate for a sec.

Could be the moderator is my old third grade nun who used to pull me around by the ear instead of rapping my knuckles with a ruler, as if that was less painful.

Could be a mod who submitted his own jokes and got no Likes.

Could be a farmer who is also a minister and doesn’t want to be around that one dude in the barbershop that tells the dirty jokes for fear of someone seeing the listener smiling afterwards.

Could be a middle age dude who only likes Dad jokes.

Could be a retired Disney PR manager.

Could be a young guy or girl that feels left out of anything mentioned that is more than a decade or two old.

Could be a ?
I'll go with number two please.
 
 
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