?????? GROAN
- Thread starter Xfaxman
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i7win7
Veteran Member
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
OP
Xfaxman
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2LaneCruzer
Super Star Member
There's a lot of truth there...and that's experience speaking...but the cigs are a bad idea.
i7win7
Veteran Member
Pixguy
Super Member
The rain had stopped and there was a large puddle just outside the door to the American Legion hall.
A rumpled old Navy Chief was standing near the edge with a fishing line in the puddle. A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," the old Chief simply said. "Poor old chief," the Marine officer thought to himself and invited the old Navy Chief into the bar for a drink.
As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits, the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked the Chief, "How many have you caught today?"
"You're number 14," the old Chief answered, taking another sip from his double shot of 12-year-old Scotch, "2 Air Force, 3 Army and 9 Marines."
A rumpled old Navy Chief was standing near the edge with a fishing line in the puddle. A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," the old Chief simply said. "Poor old chief," the Marine officer thought to himself and invited the old Navy Chief into the bar for a drink.
As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits, the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked the Chief, "How many have you caught today?"
"You're number 14," the old Chief answered, taking another sip from his double shot of 12-year-old Scotch, "2 Air Force, 3 Army and 9 Marines."
i7win7
Veteran Member
I want this interior designer
Pixguy
Super Member
#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.
#2 - I consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.
#3 - I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
#4 - My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."
#6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.
#7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.
#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.
#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.
#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.
#13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.
#14 - I thought growing old would take longer
#15 - Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.
#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.
#2 - I consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.
#3 - I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
#4 - My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."
#6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.
#7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.
#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.
#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.
#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.
#13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.
#14 - I thought growing old would take longer
#15 - Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.
#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.
Alien
Elite Member
HE. To his wife, who's feverishly pecking at the keyboard, "Honey, you've GOT to stop!"
She. "What do you mean?"
He. "You been getting 5 packages delivered every day. And each box has the SAME THING in them every time!"
She. "I can't stop. I've got Obsessive Compulsive Reorder..."
She. "What do you mean?"
He. "You been getting 5 packages delivered every day. And each box has the SAME THING in them every time!"
She. "I can't stop. I've got Obsessive Compulsive Reorder..."
Pixguy
Super Member
What's Wrong With Me?
"Doctor!" said the woman as she loudly bounced into the room, "I want you to tell me very frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you."
"First, you need to lose at least twenty pounds. Second, you should use about half as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist - the doctor's office is on the next floor."
"Doctor!" said the woman as she loudly bounced into the room, "I want you to tell me very frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you."
"First, you need to lose at least twenty pounds. Second, you should use about half as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist - the doctor's office is on the next floor."
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