?????? GROAN

[Frankenkubota]

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS:

Ø 40-ish…………………………….49.

Ø Adventurous……………………..Slept with everyone.

Ø Athletic…………………………..No breasts.

Ø Average looking…………………Moooo.

Ø Beautiful…………………………Pathological liar.

Ø Emotionally Secure……………...On medication.

Ø Feminist………………………….Fat.

Ø Free Spirit………………………..Junkie.

Ø Friendship first…………………...Former ****.

Ø New-Age………………………...Body hair in the wrong places.

Ø Old-fashioned……………………No B.J.’s

Ø Open-minded…………………….Desperate.

Ø Outgoing…………………………Loud and embarrassing.

Ø Professional……………………...*****.

Ø Voluptuous………………………Very fat.

Ø Large frame……………………...Hugely fat.

Ø Wants soul mate…………………Stalker.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN’S ENGLISH:

Ø Yes……………………………….No

Ø No………………………………..Yes

Ø Maybe……………………………No

Ø We need………………………….I want

Ø I am sorry………………………..You’ll be sorry

Ø We need to talk………………….You’re in trouble

Ø Sure, go ahead…………………...You better not

Ø Do what you want……………….You will pay for this later

Ø I am not upset……………………Of course, I am upset, you moron!

Ø You’re attentive tonight…………Is sex all you ever think about?


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN’S ENGLISH:

Ø I am hungry………………………I am hungry

Ø I am sleepy……………………….I am sleepy

Ø I am tired…………………………I am tired

Ø Nice dress………………………...Nice cleavage!

Ø I love you………………………...Let’s have sex now

Ø I am bored………………………..Do you want to have sex?

Ø May I have this dance?..................I’d like to have sex with you.

Ø Can I call you sometime?..............I’d like to have sex with you.

Ø Do you want to go to a movie?......I’d like to have sex with you.

Ø Can I take you out to dinner?........I’d like to have sex with you.

Ø I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit…………..I’m gay.

funny....i tried that matchmaker thing about 10 years ago....briefly

i guess guys lie about this and that but...i didn't.

amazing that some one who says they are in their 50s shows up and is obviously in her very late 60s

says they are 125 lbs and are 152 lbs...at least

and curvey......heeee heeeeeee

what are they thinking? like you are not gonna notice?

 

[Darryle]

funny....i tried that matchmaker thing about 10 years ago....briefly

i guess guys lie about this and that but...i didn't.

amazing that some one who says they are in their 50s shows up and is obviously in her very late 60s

says they are 125 lbs and are 152 lbs...at least

and curvey......heeee heeeeeee

what are they thinking? like you are not gonna notice?

After my divorce I tried the dating app, websites and I was amazed at how psychologically unstable, petty and intrusive most 45+ yo women were. I had one that worked for a large city that somehow got the impression that I was a TCU graduate, used her position as a city official to try and get a transcript from them. Then got her 2 single cows to join her while she confronted me in a restaurant bar. It didn't work out for the 3 of them or the metrosexual bartender that tried to intervene when I had had enough.

A few days later she was ready to do whatever it took to silence me when she noticed my name on the agenda for a private meeting with the city manager. Her and her two single heifers no longer work for this particular city.

There were many others, that were just as whackadoodle if not worse.

Met the GF at a safety seminar held at DFW Airport, she was a self declared "safety nazi/nerd" and 22 years younger than me. It is a struggle with her to let her kids be kids on a farm, getting dirty, bit by mosquitoes, chiggers and other nuisance insects. It's a struggle sometimes, but the kids are less technology dependent than they were 2 years ago when we first met and sometimes hard to get back indoors.

 

[Pixguy]

A drug store clerk offered his assistance to a cute young woman. "Well, yes, I do need some help. My new husband needs deodorant, but I don't know what type he uses." The clerk asked, "Is it the ball type?" She replied, "No, it's for under his arms!"

 

[jerrybob]

A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.​

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

---

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

 

[Xfaxman]

 

[Pixguy]

Two guys were drinking when one said, "Do you know lions have sex ten times a night?" "Damn!" said his friend. "And I joined The Elks!"

 

[Pixguy]

Ten Reasons Men prefer guns over Women


#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.

 

[Xfaxman]

 

[Pixguy]

An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in aisle D."
The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."

The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"

The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk.
"What do you call him at home?"

"Lard ass"

 

[Pixguy]

Where does virgin wool come from?



Ugly sheep.