Stupid Things I Have Done

   #61  

airbiscuit

Elite Member
Joined
Aug 28, 2004
Messages
3,944
Location
NW Wisconsin
Tractor
New Holland T2310, Kubota L3010 GST, New Holland TC21DA, Farmall H *** Previously - 1941 John Deere B, Shibaura SD1500, John Deere 850, Bobcat 642, New Holland 1925
I have to repost this classic from Bleeding Orange .....


We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works..

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'****!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My testicles are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!!!).

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
 
   #62  

jjeff

Silver Member
Joined
Jan 2, 2011
Messages
237
Location
MI
Tractor
kubota l2850, kubota l4150
thanks I needed that! Haven't laughed that hard in a long time. All you can do is learn and joke about stupid stuff one experiences.
 
   #63  

fishdrivel

Bronze Member
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
55
Tractor
Kubota B2910
So, yesterday was very nice. Cool but sunny.

A perfect day to cut up a tree that fell due to a storm. It’s a fairly big tree. Sorry I forgot to take pictures (stupid thing #1).

Me and my 2 sons.

We are about 50% done and one son gets his chain stuck. Messes up the chain getting it free.

Grrr. Oh well - it happens.

I get a new chain and install. Perhaps I was a tad upset and trying to hide it.

I give him the saw back and he starts again.

A couple minutes later he says “Dad, it won’t cut. It’s just bouncing off the limbs”!

I think “now what”! Go get the saw and see I put the chain on backwards!!!! No way to hide that mistake!

Both boys are still texting me on my less than perfect skills!

MoKelly
Not getting the chain stuck takes practice and forethought. If it is getting stuck on smaller stuff, you need to consider what your limb is going to do when you are into the cut. If you are getting stuck cutting through bigger limbs or the trunk, a plastic bucking wedge can help prevent that. Getting unstuck is easier with a 2nd saw but you have to be smarter with the 2nd cut than you were with the ist.

As far as putting the chain on backwards, that is fun to do with new employees. Even more fun (with a good sense of humor) is to remove the chain completely, start the saw and come up behind your buddy and run it up the inside of his leg to the crotch. He will absolutely melt!
 
   #64  

oosik

Super Star Member
Joined
Aug 22, 2012
Messages
15,667
Location
AMBER, WA
Tractor
2009 Kubota M6040
Twenty five years ago we had a winter ice skating/weenie roast party at our house. I took my Ford 1700 tractor out on the big lake and plowed out a rink. I checked first and the ice was 14" thick. In subsequent years I found that the big lake has many springs and the ice over the springs was 2" or less. I was just VERY lucky.
 
  
  • Thread Starter
#65  
OP
M

MoKelly

Super Member
Joined
Oct 30, 2009
Messages
7,398
Location
Jefferson County, Mo, ... about 35 miles out of St
Tractor
Bobcat CT235, Bad Boy z-turn, Suzuki Vinson 500 and F-150
Twenty five years ago we had a winter ice skating/weenie roast party at our house. I took my Ford 1700 tractor out on the big lake and plowed out a rink. I checked first and the ice was 14" thick. In subsequent years I found that the big lake has many springs and the ice over the springs was 2" or less. I was just VERY lucky.

Hate to even think about that scenario!

Glad you were fortunate.

MoKelly
 
   #66  

scaredychicken

Platinum Member
Joined
Jul 21, 2012
Messages
828
Location
Salmon Arm BC, Canada
Tractor
John Deere 160 (1988), Arctic Cat 400 ATV (2006), Kubota BX23S (2018),Jacobsen Super Chief 1450 (1969)
what little bit of pride that I had at 11 yrs old, vanished when this happened ...

I was excited to finally have my parents' permission to mow the lawn using the newly purchased "Neighbourhood Rider" type ride-on-mower. I do not recall the brand, but it was one of those mid 1970s pedestal style ride-ons, that had a whopping 5 - 8 horsepower engine (a generous upgrade from the 3 hp push mower that I had been using). It was Blue, it had a Key. It was like I was learning how to drive.

Well, wanting to impress my parents with my skills at close corner cutting etc., I proceeded along for about 10 min. Then I misjudged a turn and bumped the gas lever when I hit a root. The powerful beast took off like a rocket, and I panicked as I tried to find the foot brake. I went straight for the stairs leading from the grass UP to the deck. The wheels rolled up the edge of the step, and got to the 4rth step, blades still spinning. I fell off to the side. Machine stopped. Audience was shocked. I crawled back to my cave.

Loved that mower. (similar to image below)

1623126427051.png
 
   #67  

CalG

Elite Member
Joined
Sep 29, 2011
Messages
3,691
Location
vermont
Tractor
Hurlimann 435, Fordson E27n, Bolens HT-23, Kubota B7200
So, yesterday was very nice. Cool but sunny.

A perfect day to cut up a tree that fell due to a storm. It’s a fairly big tree. Sorry I forgot to take pictures (stupid thing #1).

Me and my 2 sons.

We are about 50% done and one son gets his chain stuck. Messes up the chain getting it free.

Grrr. Oh well - it happens.

I get a new chain and install. Perhaps I was a tad upset and trying to hide it.

I give him the saw back and he starts again.

A couple minutes later he says “Dad, it won’t cut. It’s just bouncing off the limbs”!

I think “now what”! Go get the saw and see I put the chain on backwards!!!! No way to hide that mistake!

Both boys are still texting me on my less than perfect skills!

MoKelly
I was "helping the neighbor.

100 foot tall oak, must have been 2 foot at the but.

A gust of wind snapped the hinge side wise before I got the wedges in to drop the intended direction. \
The half hinged tree crown fell against the top of a nearby maple. If it rolled off, it would have gone down on the house!

I scrambled up a 20 foot extension ladder to set a 1/2 steel rope fitted to the cable pull.

Cranked that lever for all I could to bring that tree down the right way.

I must have lost 15 pounds of sweat.

Climbing that ladder was plan STUPID. I could have been kilt or worse!
 
   #68  

scaredychicken

Platinum Member
Joined
Jul 21, 2012
Messages
828
Location
Salmon Arm BC, Canada
Tractor
John Deere 160 (1988), Arctic Cat 400 ATV (2006), Kubota BX23S (2018),Jacobsen Super Chief 1450 (1969)
CalG - YIKES, glad that you were ok
 
   #69  

scaredychicken

Platinum Member
Joined
Jul 21, 2012
Messages
828
Location
Salmon Arm BC, Canada
Tractor
John Deere 160 (1988), Arctic Cat 400 ATV (2006), Kubota BX23S (2018),Jacobsen Super Chief 1450 (1969)
one day I bought a really cool Vintage Miners Kit in a leather pouch. I paid $15 at a garage sale. Kept it for a few years, packed it when we moved.

In our new location, we started going to Antique places in the area. I brought my item in on about the 5th trip out (1 hr away). I left it for Appraisal.

Called back the next week. No Answer. Drove by, when we were next in the area. The acreage, buildings etc that had been full, were EMPTY - they had closed down and moved. Uggh, I still regret leaving it with my new friend.
 
  
  • Thread Starter
#70  
OP
M

MoKelly

Super Member
Joined
Oct 30, 2009
Messages
7,398
Location
Jefferson County, Mo, ... about 35 miles out of St
Tractor
Bobcat CT235, Bad Boy z-turn, Suzuki Vinson 500 and F-150
one day I bought a really cool Vintage Miners Kit in a leather pouch. I paid $15 at a garage sale. Kept it for a few years, packed it when we moved.

In our new location, we started going to Antique places in the area. I brought my item in on about the 5th trip out (1 hr away). I left it for Appraisal.

Called back the next week. No Answer. Drove by, when we were next in the area. The acreage, buildings etc that had been full, were EMPTY - they had closed down and moved. Uggh, I still regret leaving it with my new friend.

Sorry. That sucks. What crooks - they knew they were shutting down.

Karma will get those guys.

MoKelly
 
 
Top