Probably already posted, but:
"Three things to remember when you get older: never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart"...Jack Nicholson
"I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER."...Groucho Marx
The great W.C.Fields...
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it."
"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit."
"I don't drink water. Fish fuc* in it."
"Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her."
"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money."
"I like children. If they're properly cooked."
"I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted."