What would you do?

[N80]

I respect the advice I get here on TBN on a wide variety of topics. This is way out in left field but let's say this is a hypothetical situation, a friend in need of advice, etc.

Here's the set up: Eighteen year old boy goes off to college about 2 hours from his parents. Its a small liberal arts school. He is a freshman; he's been there less than one month. He has generally been a good kid but all summer prior to leaving for school the kid stayed in his room a lot, spending most of the time on the internet. Pretty withdrawn but continued with his summer job and got into no real trouble.

Two days ago he texts his parents that over Thanksgiving break he intends to drive two thousand miles to meet a girl who he met on the internet and that he says that he loves. They've never met face to face. When his parents asked to talk to her parents, he says that she does not get along with her parents. She is 20 years old and a senior in college.

Here is the question: He is 18 so he's an adult. But he is still totally supported by his parents. He's been very sheltered and has never traveled on his own. Would you let your 18 year son old drive two thousand miles to meet someone he met on the internet?

 

[jinman]

NO! ...for every obvious reason you can imagine.

 

[Steve C]

I respect the advice I get here on TBN on a wide variety of topics. This is way out in left field but let's say this is a hypothetical situation, a friend in need of advice, etc.

Here's the set up: Eighteen year old boy goes off to college about 2 hours from his parents. Its a small liberal arts school. He is a freshman; he's been there less than one month. He has generally been a good kid but all summer prior to leaving for school the kid stayed in his room a lot, spending most of the time on the internet. Pretty withdrawn but continued with his summer job and got into no real trouble.

Two days ago he texts his parents that over Thanksgiving break he intends to drive two thousand miles to meet a girl who he met on the internet and that he says that he loves. They've never met face to face. When his parents asked to talk to her parents, he says that she does not get along with her parents. She is 20 years old and a senior in college.

Here is the question: He is 18 so he's an adult. But he is still totally supported by his parents. He's been very sheltered and has never traveled on his own. Would you let your 18 year son old drive two thousand miles to meet someone he met on the internet?

No but are not going stop him from doing what he wants to do. Instead offer to fly the girl to your place for the thanksgiving holiday, she doesn't get along with her parents, possibly for a good reason so she might as well spend the Holiday at your place. You will get a chance to meet her and determine what is going on. If you don't have a spare room, rent her a hotel room and let your son drive her back and forth.

 

[dmccarty]

The parents trying to stop the kid from going is problematic. If they try or manage to stop him, there will be deep resentment for years if not forever.

Meeting on the Internet is a scary statement but I know people who have met and gotten married after meeting online. I think this is much more common today and will be more so in the future. Is there risk? You betcha. Locally, there was a teenager boy murdered a few years ago after meeting someone on the Internet. But we have also had several teenager boys killed by their so called friends. And I don't mean gang banger kids either.

Her being estranged from her family could be bad or good. I know of a women who had NOTHING to do with her father. Knowing her father, she was right in not having any contact with him. But of course the girl could have problems that has caused her to cut family contact. But this happens online as well as just meeting someone locally.

I assume that the two have been chatting/emailing online all summer. They might know each other very well. Of course she might be lying to him and he is not experienced enough to catch the stories but that happens locally as well. Its tough because the kid is of age to leave the nest and its an ugly, dangerous world out there. Putting aside any physical danger, relationships will cause pain. There is no if, and or butts about it. One IS going to have pain with relationships. No parents wants to see their kid get hurt but it is part of the leaving the nest. For the kid and parents.

The parents just outright stating the kid can't go is asking for problems. They need to give options for the kids to meet. Having the girl come to the boys town by driving, bus, train or plane is a good idea.

On the other hand if my daughter wanted to travel to some guy's town she met on the Internet I would be having a fit!

The nice thing about the Internet is that she could check out and view the hotel she would be staying in. Not perfect security at all but it is something. At least one can tell if the place is nice or a dive.

This is a tough one.....

It is worse than tough. I just reread the title, "What would you do?" I was thinking about the teen age boy. If I had to deal with this with my grils.....

Later,
Dan

 

[Charlesaf3]

How about this - kind of like the above, I think it would be a bad idea to stop him - he'd probably just do it and not tell you. College freshmen, even if supported by parents, think they are adults, and know everything.

Rather than trying to stop him, try to control the situation subtly - like people said, bring her to your place.

Though fundamentally, at 18 he really should be able to go 2000 miles on his own... I bet many of us did before that. Maybe let him go, and just try to make sure he does so safely? Buy him plane tickets? At a certain point he's got to stop being sheltered, or he'll move back into his parent's basement when he graduates and never leave...

For whatever that's worth..

 

[MossRoad]

I respect the advice I get here on TBN on a wide variety of topics. This is way out in left field but let's say this is a hypothetical situation, a friend in need of advice, etc.

Here's the set up: Eighteen year old boy goes off to college about 2 hours from his parents. Its a small liberal arts school. He is a freshman; he's been there less than one month. He has generally been a good kid but all summer prior to leaving for school the kid stayed in his room a lot, spending most of the time on the internet. Pretty withdrawn but continued with his summer job and got into no real trouble.

Two days ago he texts his parents that over Thanksgiving break he intends to drive two thousand miles to meet a girl who he met on the internet and that he says that he loves. They've never met face to face. When his parents asked to talk to her parents, he says that she does not get along with her parents. She is 20 years old and a senior in college.

Here is the question: He is 18 so he's an adult. But he is still totally supported by his parents. He's been very sheltered and has never traveled on his own. Would you let your 18 year son old drive two thousand miles to meet someone he met on the internet?

Ouch! Hard one to answer. 18-21 is such a gray area. You are old enough to kill for your country but not old enough to choose to drink a beer! My folks told us we had to abide by house rules while we lived there. And as long as they were paying the bills, that seemed pretty fair to me.

For this particular case, 2000 miles is an awfully long way to go to meet someone. Its 4000 miles round trip (if he ever comes back at all). I'd be extremely worried that he would get there, decide to stay, then break up. What is he going to do then? My advice as a parent would be that he should continue the long distance relationship until next summer, then go visit her(if he has the funds) and get to know her. Plan on staying a few weeks. If things work out, return to school for another year while planning to change schools near her location. Heck, my wife and I dated for 6 years before we got married, so I know it is possible to wait.

 

[MarkV]

That is a tough one George. Things have change from the time I was 18 but way back then if the folks were paying the bills then they still had the say, on most things. The girl is in college, he is told, which is a good thing. Do they plan on Thanksgiving at her folks place or in a motel? Does the kid have much common sense? Aware of internet scams, STD's and such? Tough one for sure.

I do like Steve's idea of bringing her to them. Does dad have a good enough relationship with the kid to say look, your mother isn't going to sleep the whole holiday we need to work something else out. You know how women are.

If you can get some base information there are services to check someone out. The internet is a good start. Most college kids give a great deal of information on Facebook and other such sites.

Glad my kids are grown these days.

MarkV

 

[studor]

I tend to think that I would just let him go -- cell phone, number to call etc. I think the novelty will wear off quick -- I would not worry until it doesn't. On the positive side I can not think of a better way to learn maturity -- remmeber you are only young once but you can be immature forever JMHO

 

[woodchuckcanuck]

It sounds like your friend has not yet met the girlfriend. So why not set up a video conference on the Internet. Use Skype, its free. That way you get to put a face to the name, see how she interacts with you and the boy. If the boy is on Facebook, surely she will be as well. Then you can see who his and her friends are as well. Its a cheap alternative to get more info.

 

[woodchuckie]

Make a road trip out of it with you or grandparents or whoever. Could be a late graduation gift.