Putting parent in an assisted care facility

[gsganzer]

I'm faced with moving my 85YO mother to an assisted care facility. We've avoided it as long as we can, with having a part-time care giver for the past 6 years. It's to the point that she needs full-time, round the clock care for her safety. Trip to the ER this past weekend for a fall and head wound was the last straw.

I'm going to tour a couple of places tomorrow. This is going to be an awful conversation with my mom and one that absolutely crushes her. She's been a fiercely independent woman her entire life and we've enjoyed every minute we've been able to have her in our little in-law apartment since my dad passed in 2013. This is going to be tough on all of us.

 

[Rustyiron]

If you have the time, drop some hints about how nice it would be...
Housekeeping
Laundry
Meals
These were add on available where my mom was. Your mom has to know what's coming (for all of us) and to be in a place where just a phone call can start these things if needed.
It's probably a very scary thing to think about for her, and I doubt anyone ever pictured themselves in such a situation.
Anyway the dropped hints may start her thinking about making life a little easier.

 

[Root Cause]

I have been through this now 3 times.
I would find a place first before bringing it up. It was hard here to find openings and sometimes it is a small window of time to make a decision so be prepared.

Understand that they are not obligated to take her just because she can afford it. They will want to interview her and review the meds etc. to ensure they can provide the right care.

Hinting might work if you think she can process this and understand why it is necessary. No one likes change and no one I know was happy at first until they had some time to adjust.

I always tried to treat them like I want to be treated. Compassion is key and sounds like you have that. Explaining why this is necessary for her own well-being may be the most difficult but necessary requirement of you if it has to happen quickly. Best of luck and hope you can find a good facility for her.

My Mom is 90 and loves where she lives. She has many friends and they have things in common to talk about. It can be a good thing if you can find a good place.

 

[Hay Dude]

Feel for ya man. I have my MIL living with us. Unlike your situation, I dislike the woman, so I’m looking forward to the day.
Conversely, my Mother lived with us until she passed and I loved spending time with her.
Maybe reassure her you’ll visit regularly and she will have peers her age there to make friends with.

 

[gsganzer]

What makes things even worse is my mom had a friend that was raped in an assisted care facility. So to her, the thought of going to a facility has even more negative associations. I'm waiting to say anything until I've visited some facilities and have an idea of how to approach this conversation.

 

[jaxs]

I've had experience with a few assisted livings in N Tx,some of it very bad. i don't feel up to reliving the emotions for the sake of this forum so I will just give you a referral. After having family, relatives and and friends at The Woodmoore in Bonham,I can say they are my choice and I'm comfortable recommending them. I can also tell you that in our experience,odors have been indication of other factors.

 

[hosspuller]

When I placed my mother in a nursing home an important factor was the location to my life. Being able to visit on the way home from work, visit with the kids after school, Wife to visit during the day was important to her care. The staff knows who comes and when, that factors into attention and care of the resident. Frequent short visits are better than hours spent traveling and long visits once a month or so.

 

[seville009]

Assisted living or nursing home? I've dealt with both. Have to keep an eye on both; visit every day and basically take control of things in a nice way.

One thing to note about Assisted Living facilities is that they do not provide any medical care other than a nurse dispensing medications. If there is the slightest bit of a medical issue, they will immediately send them to the emergency room via ambulance. Many visits to the ER.......

 

[scaredychicken]

We are in the same process of seeking a long term care facility for my 86 yr old Father-In-Law - struggling with dimentia. Endless decisions, 2 community options that are 8 hrs apart... in his hometown, or near us. A lengthy process and second guessing every decision made. Lots of prayer.

 

[ArlyA]

We feel for ya man, my dad is descending into dementia so we need get back there and see him this spring. My three sisters who live nearby take care of him now..... Tough job.