Teenage Son Advice

QueBota · Dec 31, 2014

Not sure if this is the appropriate forum, I'm sure it will be moved to the appropriate venue if necessary.

Knew it was eventually going to happen, my 17yo son, soon to be 18 in three months has been going into his "difficult" period. He is a good kid, very bright, great physical shape, working as an electricians helper and doing very well at that.

He could easily handle the academic load of college (IQ tested as high as 139) but unfortunately is not a classroom type personality, he is an ADHD poster candidate. Has a promosing future as an electrician, I'm proud of him.

I'm sure all you fathers out there have been through this, this a first for me. Not sure how to procede. I was a teenager in the late 70's, had some differences with my father but very mild compared to todays kids.

I want my 13 yo son back who thought Dad was cool. I realize he is in a tough spot, caught between being a kid and trying to forge his own identity as a man, not easy. I'm old but still young enough to remember what that felt like. I disagreed with my father on just about everything but never lost or treated him with a lack of respect, and honestly, considering the time period, was a pretty good kid.

Lately, I feel my son has begun to drift off course, not sure how to guide him back without alienating him. The world today is a much more dangerous place than it was in 1979. His choice of friends is less than ideal, don't understand how he would choose to associate with those guys. We have had the dicussion many times, if you hang out with (insert favorite adjective here) you are going to be pulled down to their level. I see most of his friends coming to a bad end, one has been arrested (theft) and another recently killed in a single vehicle DUI.

I feel I have brought my son up well, taught him how to succeed and be a man, but lately I'm not so sure.

My father, God rest his soul, is gone, and his brother, my favorite uncle, has passed as well, so not advice coming from them. I know it may be just a phase, but I'm worried about him. Mark Twain said he left home at 18 and returned home at 28 and was amazed at how much his father had learned in those ten years (paraphrased). I have some health issues so 10 years isn't guaranteed and I want to do the best possible job to insure that my son makes it through this period.

I realize this is a rather personal topic but would appreciate any advice or anecdotes regarding this subject, I'm sure you TBN guys will provide some positive insight.

A Safe and Happy New Year to all!

Thanks,
Q

newbury · Dec 31, 2014

Well, I'm bored and retired with 4 children, 3 boys 2 girls.
The difficult period does not end.
Here's how it was with me:
First of all my philosophy I learned from my Dad. Raise the child as best as you can with an emphasis on honesty. And give them enough rope to hang themselves as long s you are there to cut them down.

I'll label the S1, S2, S3.
S1 went thru school gaming the teachers, very high IQ, just didn't apply it. Went thru junior college, worked for FEDEX for a few years, joined the Navy in Nuclear, did his three, got out and works in a Nuclear power plant as a manager of maintenance, welding, fab etc. Makes darn good money, had a wife (div) and a child.
S2, another very high IQ, went thru college, worked odd jobs for a while then got a job at the same small Army Lab I spent 37 years at as a scientist. He still works there after about 10 years. Makes good money, has a wife and a child.
S3 followed S1's path but took about 5 years to get an associates degree, worked while in school. Now, at 26 still lives at home IS NOT making good money no wife/child. But he is gainfully employed and seems to be moving up the ladder.

All were treated about the same from birth on, we try to be fair.

S1 showed some rebellion with us in the 14 - 20 age, but came around. I only had to pull him out of sticky situations twice.
S2 was always exceeding at stuff, no problems.
S3 showed rebellion from 14 on, we were perhaps to lenient, and now he is just REALLY figuring out he needs a game change.

It reads like your son needs a challenge in a job to keep him occupied. Try to make sure he doesn't take the easy path out of things, encourage him in his job and life, and try to work in some father son time where your skills are great.

For me I always tried to plan a project that was easy to accomplish in a weekend with numerous trips to the hardware store.
Things like installing a new patio double door, getting and installing a dishwasher, replacing a window, etc. Gives them a sense of accomplishment and new skills.

Hopefully they all grow out of that difficult stage, which is 2 to 32.

/edit - and reflect - how were you at that age?
At age 18 I was off to college, after graduation I hitch hiked from Vermont to California and became a hot tar, flat top roofer for two years.

k0ua · Dec 31, 2014

I am sorry I can't offer much either, our daughter was very troubled at that age, but she is 39 now and just got her RN qualification this year and is working in a large hospital and is doing fine. Kind of like the Mark Twain reference things just smoothed out in the late 20's.

deerefan · Dec 31, 2014

Let me give you the his viewpoint as my kids are both under the age of 3 so I can't really advise you on a problen with a teen. Around that age, (I am 36 now) I thought I knew everything. I had been taking martial arts, several different forms, and kicking butt both in the ring and out and taking names. People I thought were friends weren't, they were just intimidated. I was about 20, in college and working on heavy equipment, when I mouthed off to the wrong guy, a fellow I worked with that also happened to be friends with my dad. After he helped me off the ground from knocking nearly unconcious with one stiff blow, he told me these exact words "Son, your daddy should have done what I did long ago. Hopefully that little jolt will humble you and put you on the right path." Boy, did it ever. My dad is my best friend, really always has been. He raised me with a firm hand, just refrained from knocking the tar out of me for fear of losing whatever relationship we had at the time. If I could go back and change those 3-4 years, I would. Thankfully dad is still around and we do a lot of projects together. So is the man that busted my chops-he reminds me jokingly every now and then of that incident. Your son will turn out fine I believe, he may just need a "jolt" of some sort to keep him on the right path. I feel much better having been humble these last 16 years!!

QueBota · Dec 31, 2014

Thanks guys, hopefully some more folks will chime in with some info/anecdotes.

All of my local friends have daughters or younger boys, so not much help there. As much as I worry about my 17 yo son, the thought of my 14 yo and 12 yo daughters reaching high school/dating age is enough to make what's left of my hair fall out.

Don't think I would want to be a teenager today, the 70's, though turbulent, were somewhat understandable.

Q

nybirdman · Dec 31, 2014

Unfortunately there is little you can do now.I had a tough row with my father at that age but always respected him.It was a little unusual for me because he got me my first good job and I had to work with and for him for about three years.Man that was tough,ride to work and be with him all day.
I learned a lot and ended up with a good paying trade;got married at 20 and a kid by 21.Those early years set me up for a good life.
I retired in fall 2008 my father had a heart attack shortly after,survived a year.I lived with him that last year took him to all his doctors appotintments ect.forgoing my own family to be with him.Difficult yes but looking back I wouldn't have done it any different.
My own son and I had difficult time when he was 15-20 years old;now he is a grown man with a good solid job a wife and two kids and my best friend.
Hopefully things will work out for you and your son.

QueBota · Dec 31, 2014

I have put the fear of God into my son more than once, I feel he is a little too old for that now. I'm about 6' 2", 250, suffer from a bit of dunlap. My son is about 5' 8", 180, solid muscle, he is deceptively strong for his size, benches close to 250, squats close to 500. Before I hurt my shoulder we used to do a lot of wrestling for fun, he was on the high school wrestling team. Let me tell you, he gave me a run for my money, he just couldn't overcome the "old man strength/experience

".

Used to go at it for fun with my father up until he was in his early 70's (Mom would be yelling at us from the front porch "stop it, someones going to get hurt", great memories there), he used to pull my leg all the time, "think you can finally whip the old man?", I was pretty strong and in good shape, couldn't overcome the old man strength/experience. I used to tell him I took it easy on him, I think it was the other way around. I miss my Dad.

Q

deerefan said:
Let me give you the his viewpoint as my kids are both under the age of 3 so I can't really advise you on a problen with a teen. Around that age, (I am 36 now) I thought I knew everything. I had been taking martial arts, several different forms, and kicking butt both in the ring and out and taking names. People I thought were friends weren't, they were just intimidated. I was about 20, in college and working on heavy equipment, when I mouthed off to the wrong guy, a fellow I worked with that also happened to be friends with my dad. After he helped me off the ground from knocking nearly unconcious with one stiff blow, he told me these exact words "Son, your daddy should have done what I did long ago. Hopefully that little jolt will humble you and put you on the right path." Boy, did it ever. My dad is my best friend, really always has been. He raised me with a firm hand, just refrained from knocking the tar out of me for fear of losing whatever relationship we had at the time. If I could go back and change those 3-4 years, I would. Thankfully dad is still around and we do a lot of projects together. So is the man that busted my chops-he reminds me jokingly every now and then of that incident. Your son will turn out fine I believe, he may just need a "jolt" of some sort to keep him on the right path. I feel much better having been humble these last 16 years!!

JSanders10 · Dec 31, 2014

Hey QueBota, been there, done that. And in no way an expert... so I'll offer my advice anyway.

We here might be good to bounce things off, but find a local friend you can have coffee with once a week. I did, and it really helped, as his same age daughter was going through the same period in life. Trust me, you are NOT the only one in your neck of the woods having these thoughts.
Two, pray him through it... if you're married, with your wife. If you are not praying man, become one.
Ours is 27 now. He was off (my course) about 10 years from 14-24... his course was different and he is a great young man now. Still with flaws of course, as we all have.

QueBota · Dec 31, 2014

No stranger to prayer, provides a sense of comfort, wish it would provide more answers. Spoken to quite a few clergy about that mystery, no clear answers, never a burning bush in the yard providing clear direction.

Q

JSanders10 said:
Hey QueBota, been there, done that. And in no way an expert... so I'll offer my advice anyway.

We here might be good to bounce things off, but find a local friend you can have coffee with once a week. I did, and it really helped, as his same age daughter was going through the same period in life. Trust me, you are NOT the only one in your neck of the woods having these thoughts.
Two, pray him through it... if you're married, with your wife. If you are not praying man, become one.
Ours is 27 now. He was off (my course) about 10 years from 14-24... his course was different and he is a great young man now. Still with flaws of course, as we all have.