Teenage Son Advice

[RobertBrown]

It's hard not to but....if I were you, I wouldn't worry about it.
He's going to do what he is going to do and all you can do is let him know that, and be sure he understands that he will be held accountable for his actions one way or the other as life has a way of doing that.
No sense worrying about things you have no control over.
Once you think he fully understands that he is "on his own", then be sure you treat him like the adult you want him to be.
Because he is now an adult who lives in your house......it gets a little complicated, but you should make sure he understands your expectations to that regard.

Now start talking to him about the rest of your life and that just might get him thinking about the rest of his.

 

[paulharvey]

Ok, I'll admit my son is only 8, one daughter is 3, other is 3 months. I'm 32 and I guess I relate to your son. I am the 3rd kid of 4;

oldest sister went to college on full academic scholarship and took 6 years to get 4 year degree in english; was making about $8/hr editing text books before deciding to get masters in ecology, she's nearly finished now at 36.

2nd oldest sister went to school on full academic scholarship as well; got masters degree in physical therapy, but teaches nursing at community college now.

I got an associate in building construction, but used VA benefits to go; got offered a full scholarship to go to a good 4 year school because I worked hard at college. Here's the thing; I turned down a 100% free ride because as a 21 year old I thought $30-35k would be more than enough per year, and I didn't "feel" school. I've bounced around 6 jobs over last 11 years; not getting rich, but I own my home, am married, 3 kids; and I keep them all feed. I did/do probably have more challenges in life cause I didn't do school beyond what I did, but I feel it made me a better person. Along the way, I've done some dumb things, including some stuff that could have locked me up for several years, but haven't we all.

Younger brother, 27 now, got academic scholarship and a 4 year degree in communication; spent a few years doing volunteer work with Americorp and now is trying to find work as a paramedic/EMT; hardly worth going to school for that degree...


Guess I'm saying that some of us just choose a path that is a bit rougher but that doesn't mean we went the wrong way.


Edit: one of those "wrong path" things was knocking up my girlfriend I'd been dating 3 months; we've been married 7 years now; and our little mistake is 8, going on 9. Wouldn't change a thing

 

[Firemanbuck]

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

Mark Twain

 

[Coyote machine]

Not sure if this is the appropriate forum, I'm sure it will be moved to the appropriate venue if necessary.

Knew it was eventually going to happen, my 17yo son, soon to be 18 in three months has been going into his "difficult" period. He is a good kid, very bright, great physical shape, working as an electricians helper and doing very well at that.

He's just venturing into the difficult times at 18. You can support his successes and be supportive of him when he falls. He has to learn from his own mistakes and experiences to become an adult.

He could easily handle the academic load of college (IQ tested as high as 139) but unfortunately is not a classroom type personality, he is an ADHD poster candidate. Has a promosing future as an electrician, I'm proud of him.

The ADHD piece can make getting through to him more difficult as he gets older, and currently, because kids with this type of condition tend to get bored easily, hence the poor classroom performance, etc. He may seek excitement via what you see as inappropriate friends, and some other choices he may make now and in future.

I'm sure all you fathers out there have been through this, this a first for me. Not sure how to procede. I was a teenager in the late 70's, had some differences with my father but very mild compared to todays kids.

I want my 13 yo son back who thought Dad was cool.

Sorry, there is no going back. That time has come and gone.

I realize he is in a tough spot, caught between being a kid and trying to forge his own identity as a man, not easy. I'm old but still young enough to remember what that felt like. I disagreed with my father on just about everything but never lost or treated him with a lack of respect, and honestly, considering the time period, was a pretty good kid.

Lately, I feel my son has begun to drift off course, not sure how to guide him back without alienating him. The world today is a much more dangerous place than it was in 1979. His choice of friends is less than ideal, don't understand how he would choose to associate with those guys. We have had the dicussion many times, if you hang out with (insert favorite adjective here) you are going to be pulled down to their level. I see most of his friends coming to a bad end, one has been arrested (theft) and another recently killed in a single vehicle DUI.

You've done what you can do. He will either learn from his peers, or he won't. The choices are his to make now. Sometimes if one steps back it creates a vacuum, and he may move toward you for help or advice, but it's got to be of his free will, not because you want him to listen to you. He seeks autonomy, to break free. You've got to allow him the space necessary to become his own adult person.

I feel I have brought my son up well, taught him how to succeed and be a man, but lately I'm not so sure.

So, you've done your job to the best of your ability. Second guessing yourself at this point in your life does neither of you any good.
Relax and let go of the tension, and trust in yourself and in his ability to make the right choices most of the time.

My father, God rest his soul, is gone, and his brother, my favorite uncle, has passed as well, so not advice coming from them. I know it may be just a phase, but I'm worried about him. Mark Twain said he left home at 18 and returned home at 28 and was amazed at how much his father had learned in those ten years (paraphrased). I have some health issues so 10 years isn't guaranteed and I want to do the best possible job to insure that my son makes it through this period.

Stand tall, let him know you have concerns about some of the choices he makes regarding his peers, and the reason you bring this to his attention is you want the best for him and don't want to see anything bad happen to him like what happened to his recently dead friend. Let him know you love him, and that he can always come to you with any questions, problem, etc. and you won't judge him.


I realize this is a rather personal topic but would appreciate any advice or anecdotes regarding this subject, I'm sure you TBN guys will provide some positive insight.

A Safe and Happy New Year to all!

Thanks,
Q

The best you can do for both of you is take care of yourself. This frees him to become a young adult and allows him to not be too worried about YOU. This also allows you to show you have faith and trust in his ability to make intelligent decisions about his own life. Control what you have control over - your own life.

Note: I am a retired Marriage and Family Therapist, among other things. The advice given by me is as a TBN member, and is not to be construed as anything else.

 

[vulcancowboy]

My son has always been bullheaded, guess he didn't stand much of a chance, as my Dad says "you can always tell a Clark, you just can't tell them much". As frustrating as it was for his mother and I, we prayed that the bullheadedness could be used by him as a positive trait, rather than a negative one. He is 36 now, married with 2 beautiful daughters and he is an attorney (oh well, you can't have everything!). I would say, as others have already said, pray for him, let him know that you love him, and be patient. These things usually work themselves out.

 

[riptides]

Man, introspection is always a good idea. If you are thinking your communications and worries are not getting through, seek outside professional council.

I have seen the good side and the dark side of how things work out. As a parent, the last thing you want to do is wait, if resources are available. Best of luck in the New Year.

 

[Cat_Driver]

My advise is to let him go. Now let me explain. BECAUSE he is in the rebellion stage he will PURPOSELY do everything the opposite of what you want him to do. Be firm, and let him know there will be consequences to his behavior. ....GOOD or BAD. Yes you can reward him if he listens and acts like a man, but take things away if he doesn't.

1. Your teen is learning 都elf identity? During adolescence your child is trying to discover his unique identity and 菟ersonality brand. In these teen years, your kids are likely to push for more independence and may rebel against what they perceive as overly strict rules. Household rules that they have followed before can now suddenly cause resentment.

2. Your teen may be seeking attention. If parents become too busy, wrapped up in their own work schedules and responsibilities, they may find little time for the family and neglect to recognize what their teen is doing. This lack of attention can be very upsetting. In my experience, teens sometimes act out to gain attention, even if it痴 negative.

3. Your teen may be experiencing peer pressure. Teenagers find it extremely important to belong to a group of friends who appreciate and respect them. More of their time and attention is given to friends than to parents, which is why it is important to know who their friends are and what type of behavior they have. If friends are joining in destructive behavior such as consuming alcohol, participating in drug use or ****** activities, your teen may feel pressured to do the same.

4. Teens are experiencing hormonal changes. Their bodies are undergoing many physical and hormonal changes. These hormonal fluctuations often lead to mood swings, which can be rapid and lead to wild variations in emotional responses.

How can you manage the behavior of your rebellious teen?

1. Practice an honest form of communication with your teen. Teen stress is real. This time in a teenager痴 life can be upsetting for everyone and you may find that you do not have the patience to keep calm. Be honest with your teen and take the time to listen to their concerns. Keeping an open line of communication is imperative for both teen and parent.

2. Develop a set of rules with well understood consequences. Make certain that your teenager knows the boundaries. Explain that as a parent, your first priority is your teen痴 safety and that it is very stressful for you, the parent, if you do not know where they are or why they are late for curfew. If you do modify household rules, I personally think you should include your teen痴 input for both the modification and for the consequence that will be enforced if rules are broken. A rebellious teen might be somewhat more cooperative if she is an owner of the rules and consequences.

3. Encourage individual accomplishments. Never compare yourself with your teen or other siblings with your teen. If your teen is a younger sibling, they may believe they are not as smart or talented as their older siblings. Self-esteem is crucial to foster during these stressful teenage years. Each child is unique; make certain that your teen is aware of their talents, abilities and intellectual capabilities.

4. Show respect. You were once a teenager. Showing respect for your teen痴 individual accomplishments, honesty and self-reliance will help your teen develop into a mature adult who is capable of making realistic and responsible decisions.

As your teens navigate through these stressful years, let them know that you will love them, no matter what happens, and that it is okay to make mistakes. The most important thing for a parent is to have the time to be available when your teen needs to talk, and to be supportive. Cyberbullying, peer pressure, making college decisions, and making new friends can be difficult, but having a supportive parent helps manage the stress and keeps the family members sane.

I had an issue with my daughter at 14 where as she was using foul language when I looked on her phone. I enlarged and printed EVERY F-BOMB, she texted and stapled them to the living room wall. Something like 40 Text messages. Along with all the ENLARGED and I do mean ENLARGED messages I had things posted like ( THIS IS WHAT a FBOMB $150,000.00 BUYS YOU) - referring to the 15K a year in private school along with other "Dad notes"

The posts stayed up for days till one night I heard some rustling while I was sleeping and came out an saw her removing all the posts from the wall.

She lost her phone for 6 months, and various events she was counting on and several other things. I told her if she's going to speak like trailer trash then I'll treat her like trailer trash . My house My rules.

No other incidents since, and I randomly check her e-mails, web posts, and phone. OH SURE I'm not stupid enough to think she's cured, she may just got better at covering her tracks. Either way she knows I mean business and there will be heavy consequences to her behavior.

That was 4 years ago and I must say she has been amazing, getting straight A's in all AP classed, 2,100 on the SAT and already accepted into several schools with tons of scholarship money thrown at her to attend their school.

 

[QueBota]

Thank you all. Appreciate your insight and heartfelt concern. TBN is a rare forum indeed.May God bless and keep you all. I wish I could rewind the clock and start again,, I would be a much better father. Seems like only yesterday we brought him home from the hospital, now he is a few months short of being a legal adult. He is my firstborn and only son, I am truly blessed. 18 years can get behind you in the blink of an eye. My Dad used to tell me about the passage of time, wisdom cast upon a hard head.

Q

 

[square1]

The best advice I can give you is to never have children. If you decide against that advice the next best advice I can give you is leave them at the hospital, sneak out the back door...refuse to take ownership...do whatever it takes to avoid bringing a child / baby home to live with you.

Finally, if failing to heed those two pearls of wisdom, pray lots, be there when he turns to you, then listen a lot. After listening, help him come to a conclusion on what he needs to do, don't tell him what to do or do it for him. He's likely going to be okay and so are you, but it's not going to be without some anxious moments.

 

[blueriver]

Well it's tough .. My dad always said at 18 your bed comes down .. I told mine the same. Yes he ran with the crowd, drank some.. Missed curfews wrecked a truck and drove mom crazy... Never been arrested !!! Just shy of his 18th birthday he though love got him and told us he wasn't living by our rules anymore.. I said I agree you got your own job your own truck your own girl now you need your own place .. As he left I shook his hand and told him to be sure and come
Home for Sunday dinner...
He struggled and battled as the days and weeks went by a few months later
He asked to move back home .. I said nope you made your nest
Well today his wife is expecting their first child
He's one his last three yrs of the USCG
.. A decision he made himself
He has said thank you more times than I can count ..
I too believe values are instilled at a young age .. It'll be fine!!

 

[QueBota]

I forgot to bring home the owners manual, they were selling them in the nursery area, I figured who needs a manual, how hard can it be?

 

[k0ua]

I forgot to bring home the owners manual, they were selling them in the nursery area, I figured who needs a manual, how hard can it be?

There was an owners manual available? I HAVE BEEN CHEATED!:yell:

 

[tcreeley]

Over half the kids around him are drinking too much or smoking too much dope. Your son could probably list 10 kids who do stuff off the top of his head. The only thing I see work, is getting these kids into jobs where they can make some good money, license/cars where they can work to buy things for their vehicles. Sports works too, but often the team mates also drink too much or do the drugs.
You have to trust your kid, but you should talk to him, be his best friend, get a project going together- not where you boss, but where he takes the lead and uses you for help when he needs it. Think twice about those "parties"- drink/drugs/***. You can't scare him, he'll work around you. Get involved- get him involved. He's trying things out- but that's all it is. It is the physical addiction that creeps up on a kid that you want to avoid. Hard to shake that.
Good luck- start a conversation, share a hobby, start a hobby together.

 

[buickanddeere]

Most people have told me not to give up and it appears to have been good advice. My stupid @** head strong kid was into stuff, had no sense of fear and was through the courts a a juvenile several times. I personally charged him once with vehicle theft. He went pure idiot after he started a different school for grade 9 and was easing off some after graduation when not associating with fellow @** orifices. He finally got busted as an adult and I'm glad he did. He may or may not have to do some time however the fear of which has smartened him up some.
He is attending an accredited millwright program at college from 5:00PM to 10:00PM. he works as a Milwright apprentice from 08:00AM to 3;30PM and if off the dope.

 

[Steppenwolfe]

Hang in there, buddy. The father / son dance can be a tough one. I have three sons. First born, 32 hasn't talked to me in two years and won't tell me why. We were once very close and I suffer daily over the loss of his company. My second, 30 is a great kid who works with me in our company. We laugh now over the amount of discipline it took to get him where he is. We had some real difficult times, and at the height of our troubles I told him " You are my son, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for you, EXCEPT I'm not going to hate you. " It was a true turning point. My third son is 27 and we have always been friends, doesn't so much mean buddies, but good friends who can talk to each other. He failed out of college twice despite everything my wife and I could do for him. When I went to pick him up after the last time, he assumed we were going to throw him out on the street to fend for himself. I assured him that wasn't going to happen, although that is what he deserved. I explained life wasn't easy, and I wasn't going to let him throw his away that quickly. So now he works for me, and after three years he has become a pretty good carpenter and a great job superintendent. You are in a tough spot with your son, but try not to smother him. Watch him closely, and let him know your are always there for him. If he is going to fall, he needs to fall at your door. Good luck.

 

[square1]

Steppenwolfe's post reminded me...make sure he knows you love him. You don't need to tell him this every time you talk to him, but he needs to hear it, and you need to know that he heard it (not through verbal response, but by the expression on his face or by his body language) at least once. The frequency of reminders will increase as the relationship between the two of you gets better and quite likely it will go farther south before it turns around.
FWIW, I don't have a son, I am one and am looking back from the end of a similar road.
Best wishes.

 

[joecoin]

The best advice I can give you is to never have children. If you decide against that advice the next best advice I can give you is leave them at the hospital, sneak out the back door...refuse to take ownership...do whatever it takes to avoid bringing a child / baby home to live with you.

Finally, if failing to heed those two pearls of wisdom, pray lots, be there when he turns to you, then listen a lot. After listening, help him come to a conclusion on what he needs to do, don't tell him what to do or do it for him. He's likely going to be okay and so are you, but it's not going to be without some anxious moments.

I made myself a promise many years ago; No one is going to do to me what I did to my parents. That is one promise I kept and I am very happy I did.

 

[dmccarty]

...
By the way. When my daughter was 14 she told me she never wanted to speak to me again. It passed and now at 31 she is happy and enjoying her professional job and married life. ...

She only said that once? :confused3::laughing::laughing::laughing:

Later,
Dan

 

[dmccarty]

Well the "kid" is almost 18 at which point he will be an adult and the stuff he does starts counting. Car insurance companies have told us for years, via their premiums, that young men ain't right in the head until 25. I have heard that scientists studying the brain have come to the same conclusion that the insurance companies have known for decades. :shocked::laughing::laughing::laughing:

Our kids have already run into issues with "friends" so they have heard the speech, more than once, about picking your friends carefully and not letting them get you into trouble. Hopefully, now that the oldest is in high school, we can avoid any serious "friends" related issues. <FingersCrossed> I managed to avoid this problem for the most part. Barely, I now realize.

As others have said, I think if you flat out tell him to avoid certain friends, he will stick with them to spite you and to show he is his own boss. This is where stating that he will be an adult soon and that if he takes the wrong path, it will all be on him and there ain't nothing mommy or daddy can do about it. So called friends will drop you like its hot after leading you down a path you should not go. On the other hand, if he is living at home, Mommy and Daddy still set some rules like curfew, chores, etc. If he don't like it, well, as I was told, "Don't let the door hit you in the a..ss on the way out." :shocked::laughing::laughing::laughing:

Parenting ain't easy that is for sure. I tell my kids that my hair was not white/gray until I had them.

It does amazes me how kids, from the same parents, raised the same way, can be so danged different. :shocked::laughing::laughing::laughing: I see it in other families and it ours. Even if there was a Child Owners Manual, kids are so different that parents have to use different approaches with each kid. What works with one child might not work, or worse, might cause more problems, with another kid. Tain't easy being a Mommy or Daddy.

My parents were here for Christmas and our oldest got into a "discussion" with Grandpa. :laughing::laughing::laughing: I loved it! It was the same back and forth between them that used to happen between my dad and I. :shocked::laughing::laughing::laughing: I just sat back and laughed. Grandpa even used the same words on our oldest as he used to call me at that age! :laughing::laughing::laughing:

Later,
Dan

 

[jerrybob]

Some good advice above......nobody has all the answers unfortunately......just remember......a teenager has all the faults his parents outgrew.......you and your boy will be fine......good luck!:thumbsup: