Teenage Son Advice

[deerefan]

I have put the fear of God into my son more than once, I feel he is a little too old for that now. I'm about 6' 2", 250, suffer from a bit of dunlap. My son is about 5' 8", 180, solid muscle, he is deceptively strong for his size, benches close to 250, squats close to 500. Before I hurt my shoulder we used to do a lot of wrestling for fun, he was on the high school wrestling team. Let me tell you, he gave me a run for my money, he just couldn't overcome the "old man strength/experience ".

Used to go at it for fun with my father up until he was in his early 70's (Mom would be yelling at us from the front porch "stop it, someones going to get hurt", great memories there), he used to pull my leg all the time, "think you can finally whip the old man?", I was pretty strong and in good shape, couldn't overcome the old man strength/experience. I used to tell him I took it easy on him, I think it was the other way around. I miss my Dad.

Q

When I say "jolt", I don't necessarily mean a physical jolt. That was what worked for me. Sometimes things happen in life that give us the jolt to get right. Maybe his friend dying while dui will do it, may take a hit a little closer to home.

 

[s219]

It's inevitable that a young person of that age, especially a boy, will think they know it all and start to develop some independence. To us older, experienced, humbled folks, they will look like dang fools most of the time. I think they need to go through that phase in order to grow out of it. Can be painful to watch and deal with it. But it's the only way they will grow up.

No question it's harder with some kids compared to others. Why that is, goes way beyond my expertise level. I think the best you can do is offer a solid and supportive base, and try to be helpful. In the end, it is what it is.

I don't know a single mature/levelheaded/good man that doesn't look back on some aspect of their youth and realize how dumb, cocky, and foolish they were. On the other hand, I know quite a few idiots/morons who don't have that rearward vision and are still dumb, cocky, and foolish. So really, the question begs, why do some men evolve and others don't? It must be the patience and caring of people around them helping to set them straight, to learn, to gain experience in the right way.

 

[2LaneCruzer]

Not sure if this is the appropriate forum, I'm sure it will be moved to the appropriate venue if necessary.

Knew it was eventually going to happen, my 17yo son, soon to be 18 in three months has been going into his "difficult" period. He is a good kid, very bright, great physical shape, working as an electricians helper and doing very well at that.

He could easily handle the academic load of college (IQ tested as high as 139) but unfortunately is not a classroom type personality, he is an ADHD poster candidate. Has a promosing future as an electrician, I'm proud of him.

I'm sure all you fathers out there have been through this, this a first for me. Not sure how to procede. I was a teenager in the late 70's, had some differences with my father but very mild compared to todays kids.

I want my 13 yo son back who thought Dad was cool. I realize he is in a tough spot, caught between being a kid and trying to forge his own identity as a man, not easy. I'm old but still young enough to remember what that felt like. I disagreed with my father on just about everything but never lost or treated him with a lack of respect, and honestly, considering the time period, was a pretty good kid.

Lately, I feel my son has begun to drift off course, not sure how to guide him back without alienating him. The world today is a much more dangerous place than it was in 1979. His choice of friends is less than ideal, don't understand how he would choose to associate with those guys. We have had the dicussion many times, if you hang out with (insert favorite adjective here) you are going to be pulled down to their level. I see most of his friends coming to a bad end, one has been arrested (theft) and another recently killed in a single vehicle DUI.

I feel I have brought my son up well, taught him how to succeed and be a man, but lately I'm not so sure.

My father, God rest his soul, is gone, and his brother, my favorite uncle, has passed as well, so not advice coming from them. I know it may be just a phase, but I'm worried about him. Mark Twain said he left home at 18 and returned home at 28 and was amazed at how much his father had learned in those ten years (paraphrased). I have some health issues so 10 years isn't guaranteed and I want to do the best possible job to insure that my son makes it through this period.

I realize this is a rather personal topic but would appreciate any advice or anecdotes regarding this subject, I'm sure you TBN guys will provide some positive insight.

A Safe and Happy New Year to all!

Thanks,
Q

Funny you should ask. Found this article in a newsletter I subscribe to. If you find it interesting and informative, you can subscribe (it's free) and get part two, or go to their website.


You can be a better parent (Part 1) - Kim Giles

 

[QueBota]

Agree completely, I would just like to make sure he makes it through this period without causing harm to others, himself or otherwise compromising his future, which is bright, if he maintains focus and stays on track.

I wandered a bit in high school, got accepted to college, wandered a bit there, eventually graduated, wandered a bit after that and finally found a career as a Fed employee (don't hold that against me).

In all my wandering I never did anything to harm anyone or myself nor embarass my parent's. I pray for my sons well being and happiness daily, I wish I new how to interfere without causing him to feel i'm interfering. It's like trying to get an animal back in the pen, the more you press it, the further they move away.

Thanks,
Q

It's inevitable that a young person of that age, especially a boy, will think they know it all and start to develop some independence. To us older, experienced, humbled folks, they will look like dang fools most of the time. I think they need to go through that phase in order to grow out of it. Can be painful to watch and deal with it. But it's the only way they will grow up.

No question it's harder with some kids compared to others. Why that is, goes way beyond my expertise level. I think the best you can do is offer a solid and supportive base, and try to be helpful. In the end, it is what it is.

I don't know a single mature/levelheaded/good man that doesn't look back on some aspect of their youth and realize how dumb, cocky, and foolish they were. On the other hand, I know quite a few idiots/morons who don't have that rearward vision and are still dumb, cocky, and foolish. So really, the question begs, why do some men evolve and others don't? It must be the patience and caring of people around them helping to set them straight, to learn, to gain experience in the right way.

 

[TripleR]

I imagine many if not most of us have heard, "son, someday you'll pay for your raising" or some variation of that. I was one of those teenagers your parents warned you not to hang out with. Through a rather circuitous route I certainly don't recommend, I wound up married, had kids, graduated from college and worked at the same job before retiring after 32 years, still married to my first wife and I'm watching my sons and daughters pull their hair out raising their own kids just like my parents did over me and I did over them; circle of life.

And yeah, I told them the same thing my parents told me, now we all get it, but no one does at the time and I just have to laugh when one of my grand kids wails, "mom, dad, grandmaw, grandpaw, you just don't understand what it's like to...

 

[zzvyb6]

Think of it this way: While raising your son, every piece of YOUR advice, actions and decisions were stored by him in a 'closet'. Think of it as a memory device used for backup. Up to this point, its a one way deal, input only. Now he's on his way to becoming a man. All that's left to communicate to him is that someday, maybe soon. he will get himself into a jamb that he can't get himself out of. And that he can contact you to get help and nothing else will be said. No criticism, no "I told you so"s, no comment. That's your last input to him. Then give him all the space you can. Avoid any direct contact. Let him flounder a bit. This in no different than birds, dogs, lions and elephants, do.

Someday in the future, he will go back into that closet and fetch some of your advice because you are not around that day or ever again. You've done your job, now let Nature run its course. It's not you or your values or your family. Its the way of the whole world.

And tell him that his room is being allocated to your new office. Its not cruel, just fair. People pay good money for this advice. It was worth it for me....

 

[super55]

Biggest thing is the best you can do is guide and not direct him. You can tell him he shouldn't hang out with certain people and what do they do? They will go and do it anyways because lets all face it some of the most fun we all had as kids was doing things we weren't supposed to do. In guidance I mean you just have to reiterate that choices he makes today can directly effect where or what he may be able to do later in life.

Back when I was 17 I got arrested for larceny. That foolish choice I made many years ago still follows me after all these years. Got questioned on it when I joined the army at 18, again later in life when I worked as a firefighter and than again when I had to get a security clearance for a government job. I've never even had a speeding ticket before but one night being young and foolish still follows me.

If he likes doing the electrical work and is good at it tell him to stay with for a few years and then decide if he wants to go to college. I'm guessing he can log his hours right now and continue on to get his journeyman's license. Being licensed in a trade offers him a huge advantage later in life. If he decides in a few years he wants to try something else (which he probably will) he can always fall back on his trade skill if it doesn't work out.

Some good fatherly guidance quotes:
-anything you do or post on the internet will be there forever for future employers to see when they google your name
-Don't drink and drive
-Don't believe that condoms or the pill are 100% effective. When it starts to happen; pull out man pull out.
-You are an adult now and your actions have adult consequences. Not only may they effect your life but the life of friends, family and strangers as well.

We always want to look out and protect our kids and help guide them as much as we can but your son is at that fine age now where he is no longer a boy but a young man.

 

[dave1949]

It's a tough stage of parenting, that's for sure. It is normal to begin feeling some parental failure anxiety because you really care about your kids.

I tend to think basic personality traits are formed at a very early age. Once kids are old enough to have the independence to express those traits in a form we comprehend as adults, we begin to see who they really are--and have been for a long time.

As others have said, those traits are what they are. I think what you can do at this point, as young adults, is try to help them be who they are in a useful way. Hanging out with not the best folks could be seeking adventure, a little walk on the wild side. Maybe ask your son if he thinks he needs more excitement in life, something that challenges or inspires him. I think the key is get him to recognize what he wants and how to go about getting there.

His biggest problem may be that he doesn't know what he wants. That's a burden in itself; the pressure to know what he wants to be when he grows up. If you can help him understand that many people 50 years old are still trying to figure that out, it may be enlightening. I think that's where the "follow your heart" advise for young folks comes from.

Lord knows kids don't get much adventure or risk these days. There they are, immortal , certain they can leap tall buildings in a single bound, and we shove books in their faces and we hurry them into highly regimented, highly predictable lifestyles--maybe to alleviate our own parenting fears. That just isn't very satisfying to someone seeking adventure and they fight it, like a horse fighting a bit. Can't blame them really and most of us did the same.

 

[RoyJackson]

At 17 or 18, parents don't have the influence that his peers have...
If your boy has been raised to respect others, he'll likely be OK. If you have a good solid family situation...maybe even religious, that will help.

If neither of the above apply...well, he's probably going to do what he wants to do, good or bad (I hope it'll be good!)

 

[davesl708]

Think of it this way: While raising your son, every piece of YOUR advice, actions and decisions were stored by him in a 'closet'. Think of it as a memory device used for backup. Up to this point, its a one way deal, input only. Now he's on his way to becoming a man. All that's left to communicate to him is that someday, maybe soon. he will get himself into a jamb that he can't get himself out of. And that he can contact you to get help and nothing else will be said. No criticism, no "I told you so"s, no comment. That's your last input to him. Then give him all the space you can. Avoid any direct contact. Let him flounder a bit. This in no different than birds, dogs, lions and elephants, do.

Someday in the future, he will go back into that closet and fetch some of your advice because you are not around that day or ever again. You've done your job, now let Nature run its course. It's not you or your values or your family. Its the way of the whole world.

And tell him that his room is being allocated to your new office. Its not cruel, just fair. People pay good money for this advice. It was worth it for me....

I concur. I was lucky with my son and daughter. Just don't close the door. He needs to know he can talk any time.
When my two kids were 16 and 13 I took them for a drive to the worst parts of town. I explained to them that their education was a toolbox. The more tools you have the more choices in jobs you have. You can get an education and have choices or you can hang out with people without educations and live in this neighborhood. Seems to have worked.
By the way. When my daughter was 14 she told me she never wanted to speak to me again. It passed and now at 31 she is happy and enjoying her professional job and married life. Son is now a master electrician and loving life.