Growing Old With Dignity

[PILOON]

I've posted before about my next door neighbor who hasn't gotten around without a walker in about 9 years. He's 89 years old and has an unmarried son about 65 who recently moved in with him. But after he fell three or four times in the house and is heavy enough for it to be difficult to get him back up, he's gone again to the rehab facility. He can no longer get around with a walker; only in a wheelchair. Now he still wants to be back in his own house, but when I visited yesterday, he told me they are going to move him from the rehab (private rooms) to a room with a roommate. So I'll be very surprised if he ever comes home. But the doctors have said his heart's strong, so no telling how long he might live, and he's still OK mentally, but I know that he would much rather go ahead and die. In fact he's told me so. And I'm sure, if I were in his condition, I'd feel the same way.

My mom passed at 98 (lived alone 'til 96) and every time I'd visit she'd say 'Why am I still here' or I'm fed up and want to go.

My FIL kept saying "I want to be with mommy, as he'd refer to my MIL', he passed at 89 and she 3 yrs earlier.
When he passed I reminded my wife that he finally got his wish and that somewhat consoled her.

 

[Sigarms]

Bottom line, the only way you can out out with dignity living to an old age without dying in your sleep is to die at your own hands.

My wifes grandfather was a poor (by money standards) preacher pretty much all his life. He died grasping for air for the last week of his life. They tried to fill him up with so much painkillers that he wouldn't feel anything. His wife (my wifes grandmother) did not die "gracefully" at all as well. These were two people who devoted their lives to God.

 

[k0ua]

Don't wait too long to get care insurance. I did. By the time I needed they wouldn't even talk to me

Yep, the best time to buy LTC insurance is when you are healthy in your 20's. But of course what 20 something wants to even think about Long Term Care.

 

[k0ua]

Insurance... legit organized crime authroized by the state.

You get it (insurance) when you don't need it, you pay for it. When you need it years later, you may get it, but not to the point where they (insurance company) loses their tail on it and chances are you'll still probably go into the hole.

Yeah, as an insurance agent, I would be the last one to say that LTC is a panacea and everyone should get it. My MIL paid into LTC for decades and never used it as the end came while she was living with us and we were caring for her in our home. But if it had gotten to the point where we could no longer care for her we were glad to have it as a backup. LTC is a godsend for some as the price of 24 hour care is really exorbitant. Not many can afford the cost of this kind of care.

As for "Things worse than death" I can assure all here that dementia/Alzheimer's is far worse than death. I just hope it doesn't happen to me or anyone here.

 

[Richard]

My MIL went through $500K in 8-years.

Totally agree.

My mom (divorced) was a nurse. When she retired, I took her $300K 401K, moved it to an IRA (that I manged), got it up to $500K.

Her condo: paid for
Car: paid for
$500K in liquid funds
Lived INSIDE of her Social Security income... she simply wasn't a spender.

I actually self congratulated myself saying that I'd done a good job for her (and nobody would ever know)... actually danced around with thoughts of if this keeps up, there might be an interesting inheritance...

Then, alzheimers came knocking at her door.

When she passed away, about 10 years later.....

Condo: gone
Car: gone

There was about $30,000 remaining to inherit. I'm thankful I was able to grow her money as well as I was.... had it stayed at $300K, she would have run out far sooner and we would have had to taken her out of her private room into who knows where.

I was thankful that money was there to take care of her.


My father on the other hand..... turns 90 this year and as best I understand, doesn't take as much as an aspirin.... In good health, wits about him. I guess for him, there's no chance of a "long & drawn out" end stage since he's almost 90..... it will likely be quick and "unexpected" (?)


If you are (there is no specific age).... so, if you are over, say.... 60, then you should have a conversation with your kids/family....you should give someone (not necessarily your spouse) powers of attorney so SOMEONE can take care of you if you become unable to do so.

TRUST ME ON THIS..... there will be someone reading this who needs to do this, your kids talk about it behind your back and are unable to broach the subject with you. I have this conversation with people about once a week.... I don't care HOW good your health is.... don't you even dare say "we'll deal with those things when the time arises".... You need to bring it up to your children and deal with it.... you can consider it an act of selfless love.

I ask you... "when is the best time to buy automobile insurance".... (play jepoardy theme....)

Answer: BEFORE you have your accident!!!

So, if you "wait until you need it" (as I've been told MANY times by people over the years) you by definition, are too late. You need to do it before hand....

I'm not an attorney but have dealt with this kind of stuff for over 30 years. You can leave your children a train wreck or to the best you can, a "nice tidy package" and make things easier on them.

 

[Diggin It]

In more than one case, one spouse has walked into a hospital room where their severely ailing spouse lay near comatose, shot the bedridden one, then turned the gun on themself. In a civilized society, that would not have to happen.

 

[PILOON]

Quote----
"Bottom line, the only way you can out out with dignity living to an old age without dying in your sleep is to die at your own hands."

Had an family member that was an animal breeder and outdoors type that was dying from cancer and in great pain.
Was also a gun owner.

He called his doctor to come urgently to his house, excused himself and went to the 'loo' and shot himself.
His reasoning was that having the Md as a witness to his demise would avert an autopsy and criminal investigation.

We always believed he simply did the same as when he'd put a sick animal out of their misery.

 

[Sigarms]

We always believed he simply did the same as when he'd put a sick animal out of their misery.

Thus the conundrum as to why you can take a beloved pet to the vets and have them put down so they don't have to be in anymore pain, but you can't do the same for the human beings you love.

 

[Garandman]

Bought a GSX-R750....Some texting driver is bound to get me eventually.

 

[dieselcrawler]

I've seen this thread title since it was started, wanting to read it, but hesitant to do so. Recent events include the passing of my father about 3 weeks ago. Having now read the thread from page one just now, I want to share his story.

My dad had dealt with the ups and downs of liver cancer treatment since 2010. 2011 was a tough year, but following years saw him nearly back to normal. About 2 years ago, things started going south again, with doctors recommending this treatment and that treatment, each bringing him home feeling worse than when he went in... in the past year, he had come to terms with his eminent demise, and did his best to help us do the same. He laid out clear plans, detailed his wishes and desired burial plans. We were lucky to have been able to spend the holidays together, and several family dinners with all of his kids and grandkids in attendance, these gatherings brought him much joy. The last time I got to see him was one such occasion, my son's 11th birthday. He passed about a week later, early on a Monday morning, with mom and my sister at his side. He wanted an old fashioned wake, so his body was put on ice, we had a short viewing at his home on Tuesday, and buired him on Wednesday afternoon, dressed in a white linen suit my mother made, wrapped in a white cotten sheet, and buried him on the bank behind his house, in an area he has marked out to become the family graveyard. No casket, no embalming, simply put his body in the dirt on his farm he has called home for the past 40+ years. It was an honor to have dug the hole, carried his body to the grave with the help of our family and friends, and place him in his final resting place.

I find some peace in this, as I have seen the early signs of Alzheimer's in the past years, and would have had a much harder time seeing him in good health and loosing his mind. My heart goes out to thoes who have to watch loved ones decline mentally.

My dad found his way to grow old gracefully. My only hope is to be able to do the same.