?????? GROAN 2

[Xfaxman]

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

 

[Pixguy]

Warning.... Groans ahead!


Several years ago, a young man in Southern California was obsessed with porpoises. He spent hours daily watching them frolic in the bay. An old man who had observed his fascination walked by one day and said, "Did you know that if you feed them freshly hatched seagulls they will live forever?" The young man went out immediately and rented a U-Haul truck and ran up and down the coast gathering all the baby seagulls he could find. As he was rushing back with a load he passed the California State Zoo, where a lion had just escaped. The lion was running across the road as the U-Haul approached. The young man could not avoid hitting it. He was arrested and sentenced to twenty years in prison for transporting young gulls across the state lion for immortal porpoises.

 

[Xfaxman]

Yep,

 

[MoKelly]

My favorite - my wife says I am 10.

If you walk into the bathroom an American and walk out of the bathroom a Canadian, what were you in the bathroom?



European!

 

[jerrybob]

1. A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

 

[Pixguy]

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone
number, I dialed him and got a woman. "Is Robert there?" I
asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man
answered. "This is Robert," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my
wife for the past half- hour."

 

[Frankenkubota]

My favorite - my wife says I am 10.

If you walk into the bathroom an American and walk out of the bathroom a Canadian, what were you in the bathroom?



European!

i heard that when the dead sea was sick

 

[Pixguy]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
... As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
.... As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
... I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
... I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
... So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
... But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
... My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
... I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
... As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
... I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
... I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
... I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
... I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
... I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
... So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
... Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

... At the end of the day:
* the car isn't washed
* the bills aren't paid
* there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
* the flowers don't have enough water,
* there is still only 1 check in my check book,
* I can't find the remote,
* I can't find my glasses,
* and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

... Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

 

[Pixguy]

A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of Motor Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's license and is told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him a card with the letters:

C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy."

 

[scaredychicken]

I guess we need a BAD POST option to flag that junk

then delete the junk