R.I.P crash325

[Sigarms]

As it should be. The real family is the one that raised and loved him.

Not always the case. Every person is different due to their own set of circumstances IMO.

If you were a child, growing up, and then realizing that you had a birth mother and father living in the world, it goes without saying that the child who grows into an adult may have questions.

The reality is some adoptive parents feel like they are going to lose something if the adoptive child ever contacts their birth parents.

For some reason our one son likes his biological brother, stays in contact with him, and the other brother sometimes just "disappears" which our son gets tired of. Other than his brother, he really has no interest in his sister, biological mother and biological father (and we don't push it, as he's an adult now and he knows what he's doing).

Our other son wanted contact with his biological mother as it was a termination of parental rights case. His biological mother gave him all sorts of things (presents equated to love) and seemed to want contact with him. After our adoption was finalized, our son still had some questions for his biological mother, but when he really wanted to contact her, she just disappeared. That was devastating to him.

 

[tradosaurus]

Not always the case. Every person is different due to their own set of circumstances IMO.

If you were a child, growing up, and then realizing that you had a birth mother and father living in the world, it goes without saying that the child who grows into an adult may have questions.

The reality is some adoptive parents feel like they are going to lose something if the adoptive child ever contacts their birth parents.

For some reason our one son likes his biological brother, stays in contact with him, and the other brother sometimes just "disappears" which our son gets tired of. Other than his brother, he really has no interest in his sister, biological mother and biological father (and we don't push it, as he's an adult now and he knows what he's doing).

Our other son wanted contact with his biological mother as it was a termination of parental rights case. His biological mother gave him all sorts of things (presents equated to love) and seemed to want contact with him. After our adoption was finalized, our son still had some questions for his biological mother, but when he really wanted to contact her, she just disappeared. That was devastating to him.

My reference should have qualified "adoption" and not divorce cases.

Having adopted my younger sisters daughter at 1 month old my advice would be to NEVER tell the kid he/she was adopted and NEVER tell them who the parents are. Ask me how I know.

I haven't spoken or seen the daugher we adopted in 1991 since 2008 when she decided that her incubator (my sister) would be a better parent since there were no rules.

 

[WinterDeere]

I can't agree, trad. It's too likely to come out later, in fact it's almost certain that it will, and then the child will be hurt by having been kept in the dark all those years. My wife and sister are both adopted. Both have known since birth.

My sister's birth mother did make an attempt to take my sister back at one point, 50 years ago, but was unsuccessful. They reconnected when my sister was in college, and my sister remains close with her and her new-found birth siblings... but she knows who her real family is.

My wife's parents never wanted anything to do with her. My wife has made attempts to contact them on two occasions, but they've rejected the attempt both times. It makes her a little sad, but hasn't been a defining factor in her life. She was very lucky to have great adoptive parents.

 

[tradosaurus]

I can't agree, trad. It's too likely to come out later, in fact it's almost certain that it will, and then the child will be hurt by having been kept in the dark all those years. My wife and sister are both adopted. Both have known since birth.

My sister's birth mother did make an attempt to take my sister back at one point, 50 years ago, but was unsuccessful. They reconnected when my sister was in college, and my sister remains close with her and her new-found birth siblings... but she knows who her real family is.

My wife's parents never wanted anything to do with her. My wife has made attempts to contact them on two occasions, but they've rejected the attempt both times. It makes her a little sad, but hasn't been a defining factor in her life. She was very lucky to have great adoptive parents.

Did the fact that your wife and her sister knew they were adopted at birth instigage the birth mothers attempt to take your wife's sister back?

Mine was complicated by the fact that my adopter daughters birth mother is my sister. Haven't spoken or seen my sister since 2008 either. Hopefully never will unless she apologizes for the hurt caused by her interference. No love lost there.

 

[WinterDeere]

Hah... just re-read my opening paragraph, and realized it could be interpreted two ways. Let me re-phrase: My sister and my wife were both adopted, not my wife's sister. lol...

But no, in the case of my sister, the birth mother likely had no knowledge of whether my parents had told my sister when she made an attempt to have the adoption reversed. They'd had zero contact since my sister was mere minutes old, so she'd have had no way of knowing, when she filed to have the adoption reversed four years later.

Tough situation, I can actually understand a mother regretting the decision to give up a child. But even worse is pulling that child away from the only family they've ever known, when they're 4 or 5 years old, to go live with a mother they've never even met.

 

[lilranch2001]

A man that goes through a divorce where the wife uses the kids as financial leverage, as well as turning the kids against the father, can create a long lasting hatred of not only the wife but the kids (through no fault of their own). Especially if the man is ruined both emotionally and financially.

Theres always another side to every story. And I wonder what curve balls James Earl Johnson encountered in his life?

I seldom agree with Tradeosauris, but I find I agree with him on this post

 

[Sigarms]

Mine was complicated by the fact that my adopter daughters birth mother is my sister.

Life is a crap shoot and no one is promised anything.

I've seen pretty much every angle on adoptions and how they played out. It's really no different than having your own kids. Do the best you can and pray hard...

I've come to the conclusion that staying pissed off at relatives is a waste of your time. Don't get me wrong, I won't get burned twice, but what's in the past is in the past...

 

[Kyle_in_Tex]

Well, I was shocked to find this when I was searching to find out if my father was living or dead. James Earl Johnson was my father, and he went by the name "Jim Johnson" from at least 1967 to 1996. He largely abandoned me in 1972 when he and my mother separated. I last saw him in 2006, when I stopped by his home in Escondido for one last chance for him to show some interest or care. I gave him all of my contact information, and I never heard from him. I occasionally searched to see if he had passed away over the years since. It took a crazy amount of an internet deep dive to find he was posting on this forum and that he had passed away.

I'm sorry to see that among the survivors, myself and a son he had before the marriage with my mother, were not mentioned. He also abandoned his son, and I only heard of him in 1991 when I got to spend some time with my grandmother.

I don't know what happened to Jim that made him abandon his children. It's not something I can imagine doing to my child. He never got to meet or even know of his amazing grandson because he chose not to be a part of his daughter's life. I saw him about five times before I was 18. Once he came to pick me up when I was 8 or 9. I was in the front yard with a friend, and he wasn't sure which of us was his daughter.

I got in touch with him again when I was an adult, and he didn't have the excuse of my mother being an issue (in truth, she wasn't). Again, it was all up to me to maintain the relationship. He talks about whether or not he's a good person in one of these threads. He was affable. I can't speak directly to what kind of person he was, except that he was the kind of person who was either unaware or didn't care about the hurt he caused one little girl in this world. I loved him and I wanted to have him in my life. I'm sorry for whatever may have happened that prevented him from having that.

You are strong. People can be strange. You do look like him. Thanks for sharing.

You can click on his profile name and see his posts dating way back.

My dad left me when I was 8. We were glad the alcoholic/playboy was gone. Skipped the state and never paid child support. Grew up extremely poor, but loved by my mom. I tell her "Happy Father's Day" on father's day, because she was both mom and dad. Never had a step dad (kind of glad about that). Didn't have to share my mom's love with "another man". Now she's 95 and 10 months, and living with us. My wife is a saint and is taking care of her.

I also wonder about what my dad did all those years. He tried to reconnect when I was 18, but I had little or nothing for him. No respect. Spent very little time with him as I aged. He passed in 1988. I put his ashes in the ground in his hometown.

The thing is, you are a much better parent because you know how a crappy parent acts.

God Bless you.

 

[Crash325Daughter]

A man that goes through a divorce where the wife uses the kids as financial leverage, as well as turning the kids against the father, can create a long lasting hatred of not only the wife but the kids (through no fault of their own). Especially if the man is ruined both emotionally and financially.

Theres always another side to every story. And I wonder what curve balls James Earl Johnson encountered in his life?

A man that goes through a divorce where the wife uses the kids as financial leverage, as well as turning the kids against the father, can create a long lasting hatred of not only the wife but the kids (through no fault of their own). Especially if the man is ruined both emotionally and financially.

Theres always another side to every story. And I wonder what curve balls James Earl Johnson encountered in his life?

A man who prioritizes money over his own children is a pitiful person whose values are out of whack. Fortunately, for me, this isn't the issue. There wasn't a financial dispute between my parents or my father and me. Nor did my mother turn me against my father or use me to "win" a divorce. There wasn't an actual divorce until a decade later. Jim didn't value a relationship with his daughter. He didn't check on me or check in with me. As you can read through the posts in this forum, he acted like he had never had children.

He missed out on being part of my life. Having a person in your life who will walk away from their child is toxic. I'm lucky he walked away. But that is an adult perspective; I didn't know that as a child.

If you have abandoned your children and tell yourself it's their mother's fault, it's likely not true. That situation is quite rare, but it is a common excuse. Parents who abandon their children are the only people responsible because parents fight for their children if they care. It's their responsibility as parents to ensure the safety and security of their children. At least those are the values of my family.

 

[dodge man]

So Crash died about 7 years ago. His long lost daughter comes on recently to introduce herself so to speak and saying she enjoyed reading his old posts as a way to get to know him a little better. She also says he abandoned her years ago and didn’t want to get in touch with her really. All this back and forth about abandoning children isn’t probably helping anything at this point. She has sorted her feelings out and he is still dead. Let him rest in peace and his daughter move on.

 

[drssg]

So Crash died about 7 years ago. His long lost daughter comes on recently to introduce herself so to speak and saying she enjoyed reading his old posts as a way to get to know him a little better. She also says he abandoned her years ago and didn’t want to get in touch with her really. All this back and forth about abandoning children isn’t probably helping anything at this point. She has sorted her feelings out and he is still dead. Let him rest in peace and his daughter move on.

IIRC, the five stages of the grieving process are denial, bargaining, anger, sorrow, and acceptance. Not everyone experiences all stages, but we all have some sort of process that is required to move on in a healthy manner.

I can't judge whether her feelings are now sorted out, but I wouldn't want to discourage her from sharing.

 

[ultrarunner]

Not saying this is what’s happening but only one side is currently presented without opportunity for the other to refute… for what it’s worth.

 

[Sigarms]

Not saying this is what’s happening but only one side is currently presented without opportunity for the other to refute… for what it’s worth.

Not saying it's right or wrong, but the reality is there are some people who for whatever reason do not have "parental instincts" what so ever, and for the most part, most likely should never should have had children to begin with.

Our first son already had his parental rights handed down by the court on his birth parents when he was in foster care. With our second son however, we had no clue how it was going to play out with the courts. We ended up going through the termination of parental rights way through the court system.

Ever sit in family court? It's interesting... You show up when court session opens up and you have no clue when the child in questions case is going to be heard by the court (could be the first case in the morning or the last case in the day, and sometimes, it doesn't happen at all).

"Interesting" is a understatement because if you're unlucky enough to have a case being heard at the end of the day, you’re stuck watching everyone else’s case before yours. Anyone with any common sense IMO would be left scratching their heads when you hear other cases about why kids are in the court system when their families can’t or won’t care for them.

I used to believe that people became the adults they were due to their own decisions in life. After having to spend some time in family court and watch some of these cases, I’ve come to the understanding that some kids can just get so screwed up by their biological parents lack of actions and common sense that they were kind of screwed up from the day of their birth because they have no clue what “normal” is. I’m not making excuses for grown adults who have grown up in “un healthy” families, but saying I now have a better understanding of why.


I don’t know the truth in this instance on Crash’s life story and why he did what he did, but assuming crash’s daughter isn’t making up her own life story, I can only assume for whatever line of reasoning Crash really didn’t want a family at the time, and for whatever reason (right or wrong) didn’t want to have contact with his daughter (there are people like that as I believe some members here have stated so with their own life story or spouses life story).

I might have missed it, but Crash was around 80 years in age. Per the original post announcing Crash’s death, no where is it mentioned that Crash had a wife or Children (if I’m mistaken, my apologies and a bad assumption on my end).

However, assuming Crash’s daughters life story is true as she she’s lived it, I can only assume that for whatever reason, Crash didn’t want either Crash’s daughter or her mother in his life.

Long story short (yes, way past that now LOL) after reading what Crash’s daughter had to say, the way it played out was that she had a wonderful mother who cared and supported her, and it seems like Crash may have actually done her a favor by his own actions. Who knows, it may have been his act of love even though it could have been hard for him? I don’t have the answers, nor is it my job to have the answers, and at this point in time, it wouldn’t be right to assume anything IMO.

 

[Sigarms]

On a personal side note dealing with babies…

Even though I’m 60 right now, I’ve never changed a diaper in my life (both our boys were past that age when they came to live with us originally in foster care). We’re helping a younger couple at our church with some baby sitting, and they have a 2 year old and 6 month year old. Spent around 5 hours with those two little ones last night with my wife by ourselves. I found it funny because I’m a grown man and I’m sincerely getting freaked out because I thought I’d have to change a diaper (I did the manly thing and let my wife handle that job LOL).

Actually, we feel privileged that the mother actually trusts pretty much only my wife when she’s working the nursery at church with her new baby, and they trust us enough with their own children by ourselves. Driving home last night, I told my wife I’m not sure how some parents do it. Having a baby and little one who needs constant care and supervision 24/7 can be exhausting (which we missed with our own boys).

That said, even though my wife has never had children of her own, I find it amazing how she handles babies, as it seems like second nature for her, but for me? well lets just say I don’t feel like I’m that good at it.

Really gave me a better understanding of what my own mother went through with me as a baby. Thing is, some times when my father was overseas, my mother had her own family help her with me.

Some moms don't have that help, and to do it by themselves I find amazing.

 

[MossRoad]

On a personal side note dealing with babies…

Even though I’m 60 right now, I’ve never changed a diaper in my life (both our boys were past that age when they came to live with us originally in foster care). We’re helping a younger couple at our church with some baby sitting, and they have a 2 year old and 6 month year old. Spent around 5 hours with those two little ones last night with my wife by ourselves. I found it funny because I’m a grown man and I’m sincerely getting freaked out because I thought I’d have to change a diaper (I did the manly thing and let my wife handle that job LOL).

Actually, we feel privileged that the mother actually trusts pretty much only my wife when she’s working the nursery at church with her new baby, and they trust us enough with their own children by ourselves. Driving home last night, I told my wife I’m not sure how some parents do it. Having a baby and little one who needs constant care and supervision 24/7 can be exhausting (which we missed with our own boys).

That said, even though my wife has never had children of her own, I find it amazing how she handles babies, as it seems like second nature for her, but for me? well lets just say I don’t feel like I’m that good at it.

Really gave me a better understanding of what my own mother went through with me as a baby. Thing is, some times when my father was overseas, my mother had her own family help her with me.

Some moms don't have that help, and to do it by themselves I find amazing.

On the bright side.... you missed out on the brown mustard-like blowouts up their backside! It's amazing how much stuff can come out of a baby, out of the top of their diaper, up their back to the base of their neck, and all over everything they are wearing, what they're lying on, etc... can actually be shocking the first time you witness it.

 

[MossRoad]

Oh, and the faces they make while they're doing it!

 

[KubotainNH]

On a personal side note dealing with babies…

Even though I’m 60 right now, I’ve never changed a diaper in my life (both our boys were past that age when they came to live with us originally in foster care). We’re helping a younger couple at our church with some baby sitting, and they have a 2 year old and 6 month year old. Spent around 5 hours with those two little ones last night with my wife by ourselves. I found it funny because I’m a grown man and I’m sincerely getting freaked out because I thought I’d have to change a diaper (I did the manly thing and let my wife handle that job LOL).

Actually, we feel privileged that the mother actually trusts pretty much only my wife when she’s working the nursery at church with her new baby, and they trust us enough with their own children by ourselves. Driving home last night, I told my wife I’m not sure how some parents do it. Having a baby and little one who needs constant care and supervision 24/7 can be exhausting (which we missed with our own boys).

That said, even though my wife has never had children of her own, I find it amazing how she handles babies, as it seems like second nature for her, but for me? well lets just say I don’t feel like I’m that good at it.

Really gave me a better understanding of what my own mother went through with me as a baby. Thing is, some times when my father was overseas, my mother had her own family help her with me.

Some moms don't have that help, and to do it by themselves I find amazing.

Having young grandkids now, I really enjoy the time with them but wow do they take you energy. My wife and many ladies I know, are naturals with babies and kids in general. Not so much for the guys it seems, we need learning. Women's intuition seems to be real. With that said, at one point (for a bit we had 3 kids in diapers) I would come home, after working o/t to make ends meet, just for my wife to leave and get some no kid time. She needed it to survive. That time frame is a blur for both of us.

As for Crash, I enjoyed his musings (crazy that it's been that many years already) but you never know what is going on behind the scenes. Something must have kept him away whether it be lack of confidence, not wanting responsibility or just wanting to be a loner. I've seen it happen not just for the guy side but also the mom leaving the family behind. More common of course for the man. Sadly, some people just fail at things and give up or just don't want to deal. Hopefully Crash's daughter can put this aside but from what I see reading her comments, there is still some bad feelings which may never go away.

 

[Sigarms]

Hopefully Crash's daughter can put this aside but from what I see reading her comments, there is still some bad feelings which may never go away.

From my post # 30 per this thread...

"The way I see it, we all have some closure in our lives to deal with someone in our lives that will never seem to actually be closed for whatever reasons, but sooner or later we will no longer be on this earth, and I'd like to think that is when everyone will have their closure they are dealing with."

I don't see her coming here on this forum where her father frequented as having bad feelings, but more along the lines of having some closure. That said, I can not speak for Crash's daughter, but I could see reading up on his posts being a treasure cove of information.

 

[tradosaurus]

[emoji[emoji6][emoji6]][emoji[emoji6][emoji6]][emoji[emoji6][emoji6]]" data-quote="ultrarunner" data-source="post: 0" class="bbCodeBlock bbCodeBlock--expandable bbCodeBlock--quote js-expandWatch">

Not saying this is what’s happening but only one side is currently presented without opportunity for the other to refute… for what it’s worth.

That was my point also.

that's why I would recommend the daughter to get a DNA test. If I found out one of my kids werea product of another man's seed I might do the same.

 

[Kyle_in_Tex]

CrashDaughter, I welcome all your replies. I would do similar if I were in your shoes.