A different way to look at things....

[Mike_Dumond]

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
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I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.
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I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"
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I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing
up really fast.
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Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
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Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
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The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in
value.
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Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
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I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
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Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
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How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
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Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
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Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
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Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't
pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

 

[Mike_Dumond]

Mrs. Daigle goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results. The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Daigle were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Daigle asked.

"Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Daigle.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

 

[Mike_Dumond]

Once upon a time, there was an old man who worked all his life and saved all his money. He was a miser, he lived like a pauper, he hardly had food, but he loved his money more than just about anything
else in the world.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I need my money in the afterlife.

Can you promise me that you'll do that?" His wife was faithful, so she promised him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all his money in the casket.

When the old man died his wife gave him a proper funeral. He was laid out in a beautiful casket and his faithful wife was in the front row at the funeral parlor dressed in black sitting beside her best
friend. When the ceremony ended, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife
rose from her seat and said, "Wait just a minute!" With that, she placed a box inside the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.

The friend grabbed the wife by the arm and said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in the casket with that man, were you?'

The wife said to her friend, "Listen, I am a Christian woman and I can never lie. I promised him that I was going to put the money in his casket when he died.

The friend was horrified and asked, "You mean to tell me that you put all that money in the casket with that man?"

The wife replied, "I sure did...I wrote him a check!"

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE RESOURCEFULNESS OF A GOOD WOMAN!

 

[patrickg]

Mike, All funny stuff. The funeral story reminded me of the Irishman who on his deathbed asked his friend to pour a bottle of good Irish whiskey over his grave. Later another guy asks if he did the "whiskey bit" and was reassured that he had been faithful to his word and poured the whiskey over the grave. He says, O'Rourke was a fine friend to me and would never mind that I ran the whiskey through me kidneys first.

Patrick