?????? GROAN 2

Status
Not open for further replies.

Pixguy

Super Member
Joined
Oct 16, 2010
Messages
5,962
Location
By the lake in NH
Tractor
2011 MF 2410 TLB
504A8483-896B-4E23-8E96-1C815E51EC48.jpeg
 

i7win7

Veteran Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2020
Messages
1,608
Location
Central, IL
Tractor
kubota bx2370, b2650, ford 4000
One dismal rainy night in Sydney a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

'Where to?' he stammered.

'Kings Cross,' answered the woman.

'You got it,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?'

'Well, madam,' he answered, 'I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,

'Does this answer your question?'

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?'
 

Peace

Veteran Member
Joined
Aug 7, 2013
Messages
1,265
Location
On the narrow path...
Tractor
Ferguson TO30

jerrybob

Super Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2010
Messages
8,161
Location
USA
Tractor
yanmar 186D....JD LT180....DR Brush Cutter
A woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Grants Pass , Oregon . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In
her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree tobthe ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the
splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her,

"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
 

i7win7

Veteran Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2020
Messages
1,608
Location
Central, IL
Tractor
kubota bx2370, b2650, ford 4000
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
 

i7win7

Veteran Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2020
Messages
1,608
Location
Central, IL
Tractor
kubota bx2370, b2650, ford 4000
Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror.
"This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."
 

i7win7

Veteran Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2020
Messages
1,608
Location
Central, IL
Tractor
kubota bx2370, b2650, ford 4000
Getting the queen of daytime TV to lose weight is a complicated Oprah ration.
 

jerrybob

Super Member
Joined
Mar 2, 2010
Messages
8,161
Location
USA
Tractor
yanmar 186D....JD LT180....DR Brush Cutter

What’s the male version of a Karen called?​

I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.
 

i7win7

Veteran Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2020
Messages
1,608
Location
Central, IL
Tractor
kubota bx2370, b2650, ford 4000
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."
 

i7win7

Veteran Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2020
Messages
1,608
Location
Central, IL
Tractor
kubota bx2370, b2650, ford 4000
He was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?"
Again he said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said, "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!"
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."
 

i7win7

Veteran Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2020
Messages
1,608
Location
Central, IL
Tractor
kubota bx2370, b2650, ford 4000
Feelin' lucky enough to buy a lotto ticket?
good luck.jpg
 

sea2summit

Elite Member
Joined
Mar 6, 2012
Messages
3,079
Location
Left coast of, GA
Tractor
Kubota 1860->25D, MX5800, M4D
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O'Grady after mass.

He says: "So what's bothering you?"

She replies: "Oh, Father, I've terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Did he have any last requests?"

"Certainly father," she replied. "He said: ""Please Mary, put down that damn gun."
 

RoyJackson

Epic Contributor
Joined
Nov 17, 2001
Messages
24,071
Location
Bethel, Vermont
Tractor
John Deere 4052R Cab,, Deere 855D UTV, Z920A Zero Turn Mower and assorted implements
Old Farmer's Advice:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not yelled.

Meanness don't just happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with something' that ain't bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every morning'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinking' you're a person of some influence, try ordering' somebody else's dog around.

Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and enjoy the ride.

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just shoot you!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
 
Top