How to spend your legacy?

[IndyJay]

I 100% support "right to die". This country murders hundreds of babies per day. But we don't have the right to end our personal misery without commiting suicide?

I agree in principle but then there is the slippery slope where that decision is made for you.

 

[ovrszd]

I agree in principle but then there is the slippery slope where that decision is made for you.

Yep. That needs to be addressed in the legislation. We seem to be able to legislate 3rd trimester abortion.

 

[Hay Dude]

That's it. That's how you do it and I'd do it all over again.

I’d have to think about that. So your mom raises you in diapers, so you have to return the favor?

Well, ok, but didn’t we raise our own children in diapers? So we have to do it twice, but some people only have to do it once?

And what about the spoiled brat siblings of the one (like you or my wife) who don’t/won’t do anything, but get to enjoy the benefits of the will after the parent passes?

How does that get worked out?

Look, my wife and I have cared for my mother and now her mother. We stepped up to the plate and took the hit (twice), but I don’t think it’s a duty or an obligation, especially when others stand idly by waiting for the passing so they can collect $.

 

[Tinhack]

You should deal with that hate with your siblings. Leave your mom out of it.

 

[ovrszd]

You should deal with that hate with your siblings. Leave your mom out of it.

He did exactly that. That's why MIL lives with him.

 

[Hay Dude]

You should deal with that hate with your siblings. Leave your mom out of it.

Not mine, my wife’s.
None of her siblings in over 3 years, have offered to help. Not once and not for ONE minute. And they live nearby. The brother died unexpectedly in 2021. He wanted nothing to do with saying goodbye to his mother. The sister continues to live nearby and offer nothing.

 

[IndyJay]

I hear you my friend, although I will add, adult “soiling” is quite a handfull, especially when she throws it at the caregiver. She also kicked the caregiver several times, and once hurt her ribs.
Usually she still recognizes my wife and is a bit easier on her.

The reason we have her with us is to spare her the abuse that comes with most of the dementia facilities. We remember her in the good times and realize she “died” long ago and whatever creature resides in her is not her.

I absolutely agree that it reaches a point where professional care is needed. Providing "infant care" to an adult is not the same as doing the same for a baby or small child. It comes down to how much you are willing to endure and at which point is the person completely "gone" mentally. My MIL has not yet reached the state that yours is in. She still lives alone with one of her kids coming over daily, but things are progressing to where that may not be an option for much longer. It is a shame since she was still riding her horse at 85, very sharp and still driving at 90, but at 92 she can barely walk on her own and although she just drove her car "three days ago" it has not moved in nearly two years. But for her it is always "three days ago" and often she cannot tell you what she just ate an hour ago.

I have been blessed to have the worlds greatest MIL. She has always kept her opinion to herself unless you specifically asked. If you asked, she told you exactly what she thought, but in a kind and insightful way. Very smart woman. Always treated me as if I was one of her own, and I treat her as if she were my own mother. Especially since mine died in 2001, that makes her my only Mom now.

 

[gsganzer]

We have my mom living with us in an in-law apartment across our driveway with 5hr/day caregivers. She's fine mentally, but being a lifelong diabetic, her physical needs are growing. Last May she fell during the night for the third time that year and gashed her head pretty bad. I decided it was time to move her to a facility that could provide better care. Assisted Care Thread

I kept her in that facility for less than a week, before deciding to move her back with us and find additional caregivers/hours. I must have had an angel watching over me, because I dumb lucked into finding 3 fantastic additional caregivers.

Assisted care facilities can be pretty rough, but they're necessary. I can't imagine dealing with a memory care patient that's combative, soiling themselves etc. I'm so fortunate that my parents saved for their elder years and my mom has the financial means to have home care.

If I ever see myself going downhill like that, I plan to book a lion safari hunt using nothing but a slingshot. Hopefully they take my sorry a$$ out quick.

 

[tradosaurus]

I absolutely agree that it reaches a point where professional care is needed. Providing "infant care" to an adult is not the same as doing the same for a baby or small child. It comes down to how much you are willing to endure and at which point is the person completely "gone" mentally. My MIL has not yet reached the state that yours is in. She still lives alone with one of her kids coming over daily, but things are progressing to where that may not be an option for much longer. It is a shame since she was still riding her horse at 85, very sharp and still driving at 90, but at 92 she can barely walk on her own and although she just drove her car "three days ago" it has not moved in nearly two years. But for her it is always "three days ago".

I have been blessed to have the worlds greatest M IL. She has always kept her opinion to herself unless you specifically asked. If you asked, she told you exactly what she thought, but in a kind and insightful way. Very smart woman. Always treated me as if I was one of her own, and I treat her as if she were my own mother. Especially since mine died in 2001, that makes her my only Mom now.

You definitely struck gold.
Even though my MIL has always been cantankerous, I offered my wife that we could take care of her mother but her and her 2 sisters don't seem to be thrilled to do something like that.
Right now she's in a very nice assisted living facility waiting for her brain bleed to heal to be able to come home. She's 87

 

[Hay Dude]

I absolutely agree that it reaches a point where professional care is needed. Providing "infant care" to an adult is not the same as doing the same for a baby or small child. It comes down to how much you are willing to endure and at which point is the person completely "gone" mentally. My MIL has not yet reached the state that yours is in. She still lives alone with one of her kids coming over daily, but things are progressing to where that may not be an option for much longer. It is a shame since she was still riding her horse at 85, very sharp and still driving at 90, but at 92 she can barely walk on her own and although she just drove her car "three days ago" it has not moved in nearly two years. But for her it is always "three days ago".

I have been blessed to have the worlds greatest MIL. She has always kept her opinion to herself unless you specifically asked. If you asked, she told you exactly what she thought, but in a kind and insightful way. Very smart woman. Always treated me as if I was one of her own, and I treat her as if she were my own mother. Especially since mine died in 2001, that makes her my only Mom now.

My wife also cared for her mom for 2 years before she moved in with us, so grand total has been about 6 years. She was not a good mother. I am not comfortable disparaging her, so I will leave it at that.
I am amazed that my wife will put up with this. My wife actually left her mother and home while a sophomore in college/20 years old and moved in with me because her mother was quite dysfunctional. I still remember going to watch her play women’s college lacrosse while we were engaged. The mom was rarely at the games, even though she was completely normal at the time. Father was rarely present, either. I became my wife’s emotional support system. Must have been tough on her. It did make her very driven. She was inducted into her college’s athletic Hall of Fame about 10 years ago.

Yet my wife cares for her as if she was like your mother in law.

 

[IndyJay]

My wife also cared for her mom for 2 years before she moved in with us, so grand total has been about 6 years. She was not a good mother. I am not comfortable disparaging her, so i will leave it at that.
I am amazed that my wife will put up with this. My wife actually left her mother and home while a sophomore in college/20 years old and moved in with me because her mother was quite dysfunctional.
Yet my wife cares for her as if she was like your mother in law.

Seems like you married a good woman.

 

[ovrszd]

If I ever see myself going downhill like that, I plan to book a lion safari hunt using nothing but a slingshot. Hopefully they take my sorry a$$ out quick.

I call that "right to die". We shouldn't have to feed ourselves to the lions to accomplish it.

I am perfectly healthy. I should have a legal and humane path to death if I choose.

 

[MossRoad]

I suppose one might feel how much they owe their parents is a reciprocal of how much their parents were there for them in the past.

My mom keeled over dead from an aneurism, so I didn't have much I could give her in return other than pulling the plug when she was declared brain dead. My father had a short 6 week bout with cancer and had to be in nursing home and hospital, so all I could do for him was manage his affairs and make sure he was comfortable. Towards the end, I told him if he was my dog I'd have put him down weeks ago. He said not to worry because it wasn't that bad. After 3-4 cardiac events where he kept renouncing his living will, he finally accepted he wasn't gonna make it, and I made sure he was pain free at the end. If it was legal, and he was incapacitated and couldn't make his own decisions, I'd have put him down. He let me off the hook for that. Thanks, pops.

My father in-law had dementia for the last 2 years of his life, but fortunately, he was a happy one, not an angry one. My mother in-law was able to care for him at home. But the last month, he became too week to help her by standing up and walking to the bathroom so she could clean him up, and she was too weak to carry him, or pull him up out of his char. Plus, he kept getting up out of bed and dancing around the bedroom at night yelling about how great and young he felt. So weird. Too weak to stand when awake, yet so strong he could dance for half an hour at 3:00am. She could no longer handle him, and while we were waiting for his COVID test so he could be admitted to Hospice, he passed away.

As for their legacies, mom had everything planned and he and my father had their financial affairs in order and were ready to retire when she died suddenly. She never got to enjoy retirement. My dad started dating a woman after mom passed, and they traveled a bit, and did social things, but he died just 6 years after my mom. His will was short and sweet. One of my siblings and I were co-executors. Everything was split evenly between the five of us. Took about a year to get it all settled. Thank goodness my siblings didn't argue about anything. I think we're all closer now because of that.

My father in-law and mother in-law got to enjoy a long happy life together. He got to enjoy about 28 years of retirement. She still worked another 13 years, but had massive vacation time, so they traveled, took cruises and train rides, went to Europe, etc... and took us to Hawaii for their 50th and our 25th and my sister in-law's 15th wedding anniversaries.

Mom's affairs are in order. We've been discussing her wishes as she gets older and we're going to be the ones taking care of her. Right now, she's fine with living alone. She said if she can't, she'd like to go to a group home instead of a nursing home, but that will depend on her health when it comes to it. For now, we see her at least twice a week. We go there for dinner, she comes here for dinner. She goes to the casino and visits friends and has a social life.

I won't mind taking care of her if I have to, as she did so much for my wife and our kids over the last 43 years. I helped her with her folks as much as I could, and her husband. She's always been thankful. So it's a two-way street, I suppose.

Anyhow, everyone's situation is different. Good luck to all of you in this situation.

 

[MossRoad]

I call that "right to die". We shouldn't have to feed ourselves to the lions to accomplish it.

I am perfectly healthy. I should have a legal and humane path to death if I choose.

Yep. But what if something happens and you can't make the decision for yourself when the time comes? You should have the right to designate a responsible party to carry out your wishes. And that party should be legally able to do that instead of getting charged with murder.

 

[Snobdds]

We have my wifes mother living with us. Bad Dementia. Luckily can’t leave the bed too easily or we’d have even bigger problems. My wife and our visiting nurse deal with diapers, barf, you name it every day. They have my sympathy and I can’t imagine the pain of having to do that.
I had to build a suite for her to live in just to get her away from us, yet not have to put her in a demetia home
Every month that goes by, she becomes more like a combination of a unruly toddler and an untrained house pet. It’s really disturbing sometimes. You DON’T want this under any circumstances.
Hard to believe 10 years ago, this same person was traveling to Europe and living her life independently.
I don’t agree with Euthanasia, but man there’s times when it seems sensible. You look at what these people turn into, and you can’t believe it.

I never believed in Euthanasia either, but I see a need now.

I'm going out like the Indians around here did. I am going to take a bunch of peyote and go on my vision quest. I already have my spot and I will sit there and do what ever peyote does to you. The Indians never died of the peyote, it was always exposure to the elements that got them. Plus then it looks like a hiking accident.

 

[Hay Dude]

Laugh, but I believe that Demenita and other brain related ailments is rooted in the over consumption of sugar or alcohol or both. I have read a few dementia doctors articles on how sugar goest to the brain and hardens the synapses/neurons in the brain begins to “harden” and won‘t work anymore. I have cut my sugar consumption way down. My parents did not have dementia and were skinny and ddint consume sugar.

 

[RSKY]

Even without Dementia it can be difficult. We knew my mother had only weeks or days to live and knew that she wanted to die at home. So for nearly two weeks two of the three of us spent day and night with her. We could do this because all three are retired and have good spouses. She passed in her own bed with me holding her right hand and both my sisters holding her left. Every single one of her five grandkids, nine great grands, and five great great grands visited her during that two week period. Tough, stubborn, and hard working, she was much loved by all and had been a BIG influence in all of their lives. BUT, we had already made arrangements to move her to a hospice center at my insistence because even with the home hospice care people coming in to give her showers etc. I was afraid my 72 and 78 year old sisters were going to hurt themselves caring for her.

There comes a point when the risks of keeping somebody at home outweigh the benefits.

RSKY

 

[ovrszd]

Yep. But what if something happens and you can't make the decision for yourself when the time comes? You should have the right to designate a responsible party to carry out your wishes. And that party should be legally able to do that instead of getting charged with murder.

ABSOLUTELY!!!! That's an intricate part of legal "right to die". It would be no harder to setup than a Will or Trust.

We might be saddened and shocked to see who amongst our Capitalist society would fight it.

 

[IndyJay]

Laugh, but I believe that Demenita and other brain related ailments is rooted in the over consumption of sugar or alcohol or both. I have read a few dementia doctors articles on how sugar goest to the brain and hardens the synapses/neurons in the brain begins to “harden” and won‘t work anymore. I have cut my sugar consumption way down. My parents did not have dementia and were skinny and ddint consume sugar.

Ever heard of Dr. Russell Blaylock? Very smart man.

Dr. Russell L. Blaylock is a respected medical doctor who is unafraid to challenge establishment thinking. He doesn't parrot what the New England Journal of Medicine — which receives heavy subsidies in advertisements — claims. Dr. Blaylock is a nationally recognized, board-certified neurosurgeon, health practitioner, author and lecturer.

 

[ovrszd]

I never believed in Euthanasia either, but I see a need now.

I'm going out like the Indians around here did. I am going to take a bunch of peyote and go on my vision quest. I already have my spot and I will sit there and do what ever peyote does to you. The Indians never died of the peyote, it was always exposure to the elements that got them. Plus then it looks like a hiking accident.

Good plan.

I absolutely DO NOT believe in Euthanasia without prior consent and consideration of the receiving participant.

In futuristic times I think it will be common. Without consent.