Todays Joke

[Scott_in_WVA]

A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change!"

 

[Scott_in_WVA]

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

 

[Scott_in_WVA]

TODAY’S JOKE – Bears in Bars

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The
bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears
in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a
beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't
serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a
beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent,
bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the
woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The
bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

 

[Scott_in_WVA]

23 Strange Hospital Chart Notations

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

 

[cstocks]

When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable.

A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."

 

[Scott_in_WVA]

Penthouse in Heaven

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment.

The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.

Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.

"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important."

"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"

 

[Scott_in_WVA]

Sneaky Wife

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you
get
to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and
'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it
if
you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and
walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to
that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes
time
for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and
says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every
command
and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and
swear
eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even
look
at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, "I
thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered back,
"She made me a much better offer.

 

[Scott_in_WVA]

On Marriage: One-LinersMy wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny YoungmanMy wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney DangerfieldA good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.-- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy GarnerI bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" Shesaid, "In the lake."
-- Henny YoungmanNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.-- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.-- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have
endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for
success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving
woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being PaulNewman.-- Erma Bombeck
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't
you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The
other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge thanto let him keep her.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like tointerrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So Igot two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wifedid.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still thinkthey are beautiful.
**************

 

[Wingnut]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's what they are I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute,
are you trying to call me a horses [censored]?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses [censored]."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

 

[chim]

An Amish neighbor lady was recently stopped by a state policeman while on her way home from the market. She asked the officer what the problem was, and he told her she wasn't using the battery-powered hazard flashers as required by law. Apparently the switch was bad. He let her go with a warning, making her promise to have her husband repair the lights. As he was turning away from the buggy, he noticed one of the reins was wrapped around the horse's "private parts". He was embarrased to say anything except "Have your husband do something about that, too" (pointing at the problem).

When she got back to the farm, Jake asked Sarah how the trip went. She told him about being stopped by the officer, and that the lights needed repair. He asked her if there was anything else, and she said "Well, he did seem to think there was some sort of problem with the emergency brake"...............chim