Turned down at the enlistment center

patrickg · Nov 7, 2001

Don't feel bad man, you are in good company, medal of honor winner from WW I, Alvin York (AKA Sgt York) tried
to enlist for WW II but was turned down for medical reasons. As a consolation prize he was made the head of his local draft board. Now it emulating that great American (or high pitched little martian, depending on your politics) Ross Perot appeals to you, get some friends with some firepower and guts and go do what you think needs to be done.

My draft status is somewhere down the line after women and children having done 4 active and completed my inactive and also having exceeded the 5-0. Still, I would feel better being in this fracas than the one in vogue when I came of age (Viet Nam). Like relatives, we can't always pick our war but this one would be better than most, given the choice. While I would like to see the philosophy according to Rodney King more universally appreciated ("Can't we all just get along?") but failing that if you must take up arms it would be hard to find a more just reason.

Patrick (Did I fail to mention, the humor was a hoot!)

RichZ · Nov 7, 2001

A friend who is over 50 sent me this. Happily, I haven't yet reached the big 5-0.

Even though I served our country in Vietnam more than 30 years ago, I thought that I would try to enlist to help out. I was turned down!
A couple of weeks ago I indicated that if I could I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in NYC and DC. But I'm over 50 now, and the army says I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be over 35 to join the army. They've got the whole thing backwards, you shouldn't be able to join the army until you're 35! Here's why:

Researchers say 18 year olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex every 15 minutes, leaving us much more time to concentrate on the enemy
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy, we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?!"
An 18 year old hasn't had a legal beer yet. To go to war you should be old enough to drink.
An average old guy has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35, and a jaunt in the desert heat would do wonders for a beer belly.
An 18 year old doesn't like to get up before 10 AM. Old guys get up early just to show we can, and to steal the neighbor's newspaper.
If old guys were captured, we couldn't spill the beans, because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank and serial number would be a real brain teaser.
If it wasn't for the age barrier, I'd pretty much get into the army without a hitch. According to the army internet site, I'd need to pass an entrance exam, but the sample questions I saw weren't exactly headache material. For example:
1. A magnet will attract:
a) water
b) a flower
3) a cloth rag
4) a nail
I took a wild stab, and guessed nail, knowing they'd probably stick me in some desk job in army intelligence after boot camp.
2. If 12 workers are needed to run 4 machines, how many workers are needed to run 20 machines?
a) 16
b) 18
c) 3
d) 60
Let's see, 3 workers per machine times 20 machines...errr...hmmm...uhhhh...60??
Finally, they wanted to know if I had a command of the English language in case I had to describe an enemy camp from memory.
3. Small most nearly means:
a) sturdy
b) round
c) cheap
d) little
I knew this cheap, little, round, sturdy guy once, but I wrote down little.
Now you know where the first questions come from for the "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" game show.
Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys, because we're used to getting screamed at, and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.
The army could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been to the desert, and I didn't see a single 20 foot wall with rope hanging over the side.
I can hear the drill sergeant now..."Get down and give me...er...one!"
And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
I'm reminded of the story of the young bull and the old bull standing on a hill looking down on the cows."Lets run down there and make love to one of those cows" says the young bull. "How about we WALK down, and make love to ALL those cows," replies the old bull.
Patience is something most 18 year olds simply do not have. For good reason, too. An 18 year old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning... to shave...to actually carry on a conversation...to wear pants without the top of the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out...to learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles...and that a 200 watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda can rupture an eardrum.
All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life, before sending them off to possible death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us.
The last thing they'd want to see right now, is a couple of million old guys with an attitude!!!

Rich