Upcoming Wedding - advice needed

[Torvy]

Not me, my older daughter, the nurse. Wedding is in late May.

This is the first of our kids to get hitched. We are not really up on the expectations and protocols as the parents. In general, we figure they are adults and can do things however they want. Just tell us our role and we will do our part.

How is the interaction between the sets of in-laws typically handled? (us and the guy's parents). The 'kids' met as adults and his family is about 20 miles north of us (30-45 minutes in traffic).

 

[ultrarunner]

Congratulations...

Smile and go with the flow...

Corona weddings here are simple with immediate family and the close friends

One super accomplished grand daughter who moved in to be with her then 95+ grandfather while graduating at the top of her UC Berkeley...

The big wedding fell victim to COVID and Grandfather wanted her to have the big wedding...

In the end she said all we want is family and it would mean the world to us to marry at your house on the patio...

I think they have a very bright future and it was a lovely wedding... we neighbors put wedding bells on all the mailboxes on the street...

 

[KiotiKowboy]

Congratulations.

I've always found smaller ceremonies - both weddings/funerals - to be preferable. Each of these events can easily be exploited via emotions and see many thousands of dollars wasted. Of course - each to their own.

Above all else ... I hope your daughter has found a GOOD man who will treat her with kindness and respect.

 

[Torvy]

Above all else ... I hope your daughter has found a GOOD man who will treat her with kindness and respect.

Thanks. I am not 100% sold on the guy, but they both know we have access to remote land and power equipment.

As for the size and such, that is up to them. We don't want to be those intrusive parents. Our financial contribution will be a fixed amount of whatever my wife wants to give them (not a big number).

There is a concern because his family is all local. It is just us and our kids in the DFW area. My parents are no longer comfortable traveling. Moat likely each of my 3 siblings will come. One with spouse. Few cousins will come...older ones have little babies, younger ones still in school. His family is expecting to ALL come. Daughter wants her friends there. I just want her to be happy.

 

[Torvy]

Congratulations...

Smile and go with the flow...

Corona weddings here are simple with immediate family and the close friends

One super accomplished grand daughter who moved in to be with her then 95+ grandfather while graduating at the top of her UC Berkeley...

The big wedding fell victim to COVID and Grandfather wanted her to have the big wedding...

In the end she said all we want is family and it would mean the world to us to marry at your house on the patio...

I think they have a very bright future and it was a lovely wedding... we neighbors put wedding bells on all the mailboxes on the street...

This is Texas, so a Corona wedding means you are serving Mexican beer.

Daughter is insisting everyone be vaxxed to attend. Her wedding, her rules. I advised her that she may turn off some friends, but ahe should do her own thing.

The church holds something like 5000 people, so the 100-200 will be able to distance as needed.

 

[ZTMAN]

First, you will not be prepared how you will feel the first time you see you daughter in her wedding dress. You will know what I mean when you see her.

Second, if the women ask you opinion on something for the wedding, they really don't want your opinion, run, its a trap.

Third, enjoy the moment.

Finally, prepare a nice toast and have fun.

As far as the in-laws, when it came down to wedding things, my wife called the mother of the groom or bride and discussed things. I stayed out of the way.
We were lucky. I have two kids that got married and we get along really well with both sets of in-laws and enjoy their company.

 

[marhar]

Not me, my older daughter, the nurse. Wedding is in late May.

This is the first of our kids to get hitched. We are not really up on the expectations and protocols as the parents. In general, we figure they are adults and can do things however they want. Just tell us our role and we will do our part.

How is the interaction between the sets of in-laws typically handled? (us and the guy's parents). The 'kids' met as adults and his family is about 20 miles north of us (30-45 minutes in traffic).

Congratulations! Since they are engaged invite the grooms parents over for a dinner. (tradition here in the south if y'all do not know each other is for the groom's parents to invite you and your wife over. It is no harm if you make the invitation). While it used to be customary for brides parents to pay for the wedding, since they met as adults they should pick up the bill (my wife an I met in our 30's; my in-laws made a contribution but we paid the rest with no expectation of their generosity).

My wife and I discussed our wedding many years later and joked that it would have been easier and cheaper to elope to our honeymoon destination and just had the service there. There is some truth in the joke; it would have been cheaper and easier.

Regardless it is the marriage that matters not the wedding event.

 

[MossRoad]

Not me, my older daughter, the nurse. Wedding is in late May.

This is the first of our kids to get hitched. We are not really up on the expectations and protocols as the parents. In general, we figure they are adults and can do things however they want. Just tell us our role and we will do our part.

How is the interaction between the sets of in-laws typically handled? (us and the guy's parents). The 'kids' met as adults and his family is about 20 miles north of us (30-45 minutes in traffic).

Congrats on your daughter's upcoming wedding. One of ours got married last year. The rehearsal dinner was the first time we met the son in-law's father and his wife in person. We all got along really well and still converse with them on a family group chat several times a week. They love our daughter like their own, as we do their son.

All I can say is our family got a little bigger. We're going to try and visit them next summer.

As for the interaction during the festivities, it was a very small wedding, so we and the in-laws were the oldest ones there. Everyone else were the kids' ages. So we just sat with the in-laws all night, ate, talked, laughed and watched the young ones party. My wife and the groom's dad's wife hit it off really well in pre-wedding chats on line and phone calls, so they kind of coordinated what they were going to wear so that there'd be no awkward moments at the wedding (both wearing the same thing is catastrophic). Our daughter was very good about involving both of the women in the planning and consultations so no one felt left out. Both commented about how pleasant the experience was.

So best advice I could give would be to make sure the kids involve both sets of parents in the planning so that one set of parents does not feel left out or diminished. Make sure both sets of parents know what's expected of them by the kids well before the ceremonies/dinners, etc., so nothing awkward or unexpected happens. Preview the church and venues. Talk with the priest/minister/person performing the marriage to know what's gonna happen well in advance, as well as talking to the people running the venues. But most of all, just be happy for the newlyweds (and keep your credit card and some cash handy in case something unexpected happens. ).

 

[ultrarunner]

It really is different in Texas...

Hasn't been a medium or big or small church wedding here for some time but getting married at a private home has really taken off... so much so some venues wonder if it will ever comeback to where popular ones booked two-three years out...

Dad never met the in-laws for my brother's as the cancer was only weeks away from his passing... he really met the future daughter in laws a few times...make the moments count... because they will be remembered.

When grandkids come that is when the fun starts.. from my experience.

 

[deserteagle71]

First, you will not be prepared how you will feel the first time you see you daughter in her wedding dress. You will know what I mean when you see her.

^^ This.
For many years I was the only "photographer" in a small mining town so I ended up going to a lot of weddings. It was a never-ending source of amazement to see how a rough, tough, gruff, gnarly old miner would dissolve in tears when it came time to give away his baby girl.

 

[Torvy]

Congratulations! Since they are engaged invite the grooms parents over for a dinner. (tradition here in the south if y'all do not know each other is for the groom's parents to invite you and your wife over. It is no harm if you make the invitation).

This. This is the part that is bugging me. I had never heard of this. I am not a social person. I happily have few friends. I don't go out. I have no interest or need to meet his parents before the rehearsal. It is not our rodeo, or theirs. I value my time and any 'decisions' will not require my input. I suggested that maybe my wife and his mom get coffee instead. I also feel like his parents are trying to force the kids into doing things their way using money to do so. They had them change from a Friday night to a Saturday. It was cheaper venues on Friday...said they would pay difference. Wanted an open bar...said they would pay difference. The list goes on....then, after the kids signed contracts they started the back tracking. Turns out they are not paying the difference.

I am not what people would call diplomatic. I say what I mean and mean what I say. Not likely I could have dinner with these people and not light into them. It would be in their home, so that would be rude. Better, to my way of thinking, that I just decline. I am really having a hard time seeing any value here. After the wedding, we are moving 2 hours away to our property. The way I see it, the only times I would ever see these people are for major events and then just in passing. (the rehearsal, the wedding, any future baptisms or, god forbid, funerals.). I can be cordial like I would with a business acquaintance. I would not seek them out because we are the 'old folks'. I am perfectly content to watch the youngsters in silence or to talk to my wife.

Thanks to those who have replied. I 100% know I will be crying. I cried when my own wife walked up the aisle with her friend's dad giving her away. Daughter and I are both pretty emotional, so I hope to keep her from crying (I didn't have to worry about makeup).

On the venue..the wedding will be in our church. I can literally see it from my back yard. The reception is closer to the center of the city. The priest is one they knew from camp. (they met as camp counselors at a church camp).

 

[ultrarunner]

Sometimes it's nice just being on the sidelines with a good vantage point...

One thing I've seen a few times is too much liquor late in the day can cause problems and an open bar can bring that out...

Baptism, birthday parties, graduations, mutual friends, etc... never know where the in-laws will pop up.

How many tractors on his side of the family???

 

[Oz_Kioti]

This. This is the part that is bugging me. I had never heard of this. I am not a social person. I happily have few friends. I don't go out. I have no interest or need to meet his parents before the rehearsal. It is not our rodeo, or theirs. I value my time and any 'decisions' will not require my input. I suggested that maybe my wife and his mom get coffee instead. I also feel like his parents are trying to force the kids into doing things their way using money to do so. They had them change from a Friday night to a Saturday. It was cheaper venues on Friday...said they would pay difference. Wanted an open bar...said they would pay difference. The list goes on....then, after the kids signed contracts they started the back tracking. Turns out they are not paying the difference.

I am not what people would call diplomatic. I say what I mean and mean what I say. Not likely I could have dinner with these people and not light into them. It would be in their home, so that would be rude. Better, to my way of thinking, that I just decline. I am really having a hard time seeing any value here. After the wedding, we are moving 2 hours away to our property. The way I see it, the only times I would ever see these people are for major events and then just in passing. (the rehearsal, the wedding, any future baptisms or, god forbid, funerals.). I can be cordial like I would with a business acquaintance. I would not seek them out because we are the 'old folks'. I am perfectly content to watch the youngsters in silence or to talk to my wife.

Thanks to those who have replied. I 100% know I will be crying. I cried when my own wife walked up the aisle with her friend's dad giving her away. Daughter and I are both pretty emotional, so I hope to keep her from crying (I didn't have to worry about makeup).

On the venue..the wedding will be in our church. I can literally see it from my back yard. The reception is closer to the center of the city. The priest is one they knew from camp. (they met as camp counselors at a church camp).

You sound like my lovely wife of 50+ years. Doesn't go much on people, prefers animals, and reckons you're doing well if you've got 3 or 4 REAL friends in your life!

Hope the wedding goes well for you all, and as others have said, that your daughter has a good man to spend her life with.

 

[ljjhouser]

Thanks. I am not 100% sold on the guy, but they both know we have access to remote land and power equipment.

I had to laugh. Maybe you are not, but apparently she is. Try to talk with her about how she is treated and are there problems that will make marriage difficult. (like owing the IRS money year after year. Or streaming pass due bills. And always remember LOVE - perceived or real trumps anything you say. Best wishes to your family and the happy couplel.

 

[MossRoad]

This. This is the part that is bugging me. I had never heard of this. I am not a social person. I happily have few friends. I don't go out. I have no interest or need to meet his parents before the rehearsal. It is not our rodeo, or theirs. I value my time and any 'decisions' will not require my input. I suggested that maybe my wife and his mom get coffee instead. I also feel like his parents are trying to force the kids into doing things their way using money to do so. They had them change from a Friday night to a Saturday. It was cheaper venues on Friday...said they would pay difference. Wanted an open bar...said they would pay difference. The list goes on....then, after the kids signed contracts they started the back tracking. Turns out they are not paying the difference.

I am not what people would call diplomatic. I say what I mean and mean what I say. Not likely I could have dinner with these people and not light into them. It would be in their home, so that would be rude. Better, to my way of thinking, that I just decline. I am really having a hard time seeing any value here. After the wedding, we are moving 2 hours away to our property. The way I see it, the only times I would ever see these people are for major events and then just in passing. (the rehearsal, the wedding, any future baptisms or, god forbid, funerals.). I can be cordial like I would with a business acquaintance. I would not seek them out because we are the 'old folks'. I am perfectly content to watch the youngsters in silence or to talk to my wife.

Thanks to those who have replied. I 100% know I will be crying. I cried when my own wife walked up the aisle with her friend's dad giving her away. Daughter and I are both pretty emotional, so I hope to keep her from crying (I didn't have to worry about makeup).

On the venue..the wedding will be in our church. I can literally see it from my back yard. The reception is closer to the center of the city. The priest is one they knew from camp. (they met as camp counselors at a church camp).

My wife and I dated for 6 years before we got married. After about a year of dating, my parents came to her high school graduation party and that's when they met my future in-laws. After that, each set of parents would invite the other over to important family functions like graduations, babies, weddings, funerals, birthdays, etc. My parents were more college professor type highly educated people and her parents were/are factory working class people. Didn't seem to matter. Everyone was/is kind and generous. My mom really liked my wife, my dad shows little emotion towards anyone, but told me on many occasions that I picked a good one, and her parents always treated me like one of their own. Her mom's the only one left now. I've known my wife's parents longer than I knew my own parents.

So I'd guess a good piece of advice would be to welcome your child's spouse into your family and treat them like one of your own. Do the same for the new in-laws (if you can) and it'll make the future a whole lot easier and enjoyable.

 

[Root Cause]

Like it or not, she is marrying the family not just the man and visa versa. It is important you support her in ways to make that easier. Suck it up and invite them over for the evening and look for things you have in common. You don't have to become best friends but that makes the next few months a lot easier on her.

Traditionally, it is the bride who makes the major decisions. I would support her in what kind of wedding she wants with input from the groom. Let them figure it out. I would not get too involved but I would also advise her not to let the in-laws dictate it either. Now is the time to set boundaries.

See my sig below for the best advice I can offer.

Finally,
If all the ceremonies wove the Miranda Rights into the vows to the husband, the groom would understand what is happening one day one, not 6 years later like it took most of us to figure it all out. Best of luck and just try to keep her grounded and happy.

 

[marhar]

This. This is the part that is bugging me. I had never heard of this. I am not a social person. I happily have few friends. I don't go out. I have no interest or need to meet his parents before the rehearsal. It is not our rodeo, or theirs. I value my time and any 'decisions' will not require my input. I suggested that maybe my wife and his mom get coffee instead. I also feel like his parents are trying to force the kids into doing things their way using money to do so. They had them change from a Friday night to a Saturday. It was cheaper venues on Friday...said they would pay difference. Wanted an open bar...said they would pay difference. The list goes on....then, after the kids signed contracts they started the back tracking. Turns out they are not paying the difference.

I am not what people would call diplomatic. I say what I mean and mean what I say. Not likely I could have dinner with these people and not light into them. It would be in their home, so that would be rude. Better, to my way of thinking, that I just decline. I am really having a hard time seeing any value here. After the wedding, we are moving 2 hours away to our property. The way I see it, the only times I would ever see these people are for major events and then just in passing. (the rehearsal, the wedding, any future baptisms or, god forbid, funerals.). I can be cordial like I would with a business acquaintance. I would not seek them out because we are the 'old folks'. I am perfectly content to watch the youngsters in silence or to talk to my wife.

Thanks to those who have replied. I 100% know I will be crying. I cried when my own wife walked up the aisle with her friend's dad giving her away. Daughter and I are both pretty emotional, so I hope to keep her from crying (I didn't have to worry about makeup).

On the venue..the wedding will be in our church. I can literally see it from my back yard. The reception is closer to the center of the city. The priest is one they knew from camp. (they met as camp counselors at a church camp).

Hello Torvy,

I feel that most of us that are use to a rural life feel more comfortable working by ourselves or with just one or two others. The idea of the your wife meeting his mother for coffee is good. If anything like my wedding, you are absolutely correct you opinion is not needed; as the groom all I had to do is show up. My mother-in-law and wife were really into the ceremony.

It is unfortunate that they are using money to control the situation. I have seen women that did not have a big wedding want to make up for their wedding by having a large wedding production to make up for what they missed. This behavior is kinda like the dad that did not make the football team and he is pushing his kid to be the next great quarter back.

You said you would be cordial which is great. You do not have to be friends but you do not want to hurt your child. Someone else about an open bar. I agree; weddings bring out a lot of different emotions in people and too many times folks that have been overserved will ruin the event for the couple.

As a side note: My advice is worth what you paid for it.....zero.

Good Luck!

 

[EddieWalker]

I don't have any kids of my own, so I can't really comment on that part of it. My wife has 4 kids and the youngest lives close to us. The others are in other states. When he got married, she called all the shots, but didn't actually do anything. Her parents where part of the decision process, we where not included, or even told about anything until they had made all the decisions. They decided to have the wedding on our land. We where never asked if this was OK, we where informed. They said that they would do everything, they didn't. A week out, I asked when things would start happening, they didn't know. I ended up doing everything outdoors, and my wife took over all the indoor arrangements. Her son was clueless. He just wanted to hang out with is friends and my wife actually had to take him by his elbow, pull him out of earshot, and very strongly, told him to get off his butt!!!!

The day of the wedding, her parents showed up and her Dad became my helper. He was good as long as I was encouraging him to help me. Her mom was worthless. Her friends where worthless.

In the end, it turned out OK. We did what we had to do to make it happen. Neither of us where impressed with any of them. My wife is very honest about having kids. She says that they are over rated. I agree.

For both of us, it was a horrible day, but we pushed through it, and in the end, it was worth it. Neither her son, or his wife thanks us for any of it.

Now that they have a son, the same thing happens for his birthday. We plan it, we make it happen, and they sit on their rears and feed their faces. It's sad, but it is who they are. We do not offer them anything, or do anything to help them. They whine and complain constantly about not having any money, but the refuse to go back to school, or even apply for better paying jobs.

Do what you can to make the day as nice as you can, but remember that it's only one day, and soon, it will be just a memory.

 

[WM75Guy]

It is your money. We sat down with our kids and let them know how much we were willing to spend. We paid the bills they wanted us to pay plus gave them some cash to use as they needed. When growing up the groom's family handled the rehearsal dinner, the bride's family paid for everything else. Not so much today as traditions and costs have changed, many weddings don't have a rehearsal or a dinner.