What to do with disabled friend!

[RSKY]

Took disabled friend/neighbor to vote yesterday. Had him, me, wife, and two grandkids in the car. I finished first and went to the parking lot to get the Highlander. Pulled up close to the door and waited for the others who had maybe 100-200 feet to walk. Friend uses a cane and I saw him start to get faster and stumble but I couldn't get out of the car quick enough and he fell. Three or four big guys larger than I am ran over and helped him up. He wasn't hurt but it scared the crap out of me.

I carry him to the grocery two or three times a week. I sometimes carry him other places. I am seriously considering telling him that I won't carry him anymore unless he uses a walker. Might not do this at Walmart because there will always be other people around to help. But he now weighs over 300 pounds and I cannot get him up by myself. I hate to do this but it concerns me greatly. It will be a blow to his dignity for me to do this but what can I do.

RSKY

 

[Slowpoke Slim]

I think I would go with the walker idea. It doesn't really matter how many people are around to help pick him up. The damage is already done by then, and could be a serious injury if he falls down.

All depends on how you phrase it to him, I guess.

 

[cqaigy2]

You're a good friend RSKY! Like Slowpoke Slim and you said, it sounds like a walker probably needed to prevent a more serious injury.

 

[JPRambo]

Maybe a Jazzy mobility scooter would be a good thing for him to have.

 

[Gee Ray]

First thing, thank you for helping your friend.

Second get him a wheel chair. I am able to walk with a crutch for short distances, 15-25 ft. After that fatigue and pain quickly becomes a problem. The chair will allow for the longer trips without the fatigue and since he is ambulatory the transfer from house to car, etc, will not be a struggle for either of you. When you are able bodied it is easy to forget how hard it is to simply walk.

 

[Ken45101]

It's rough situation and I sympathize with you. I'm currently on the other side of the fence, I had neck surgery in March and at that point couldn't even stand on my own with a walker I have progressed to using a cane most of the time but one of my medical people think I should be using a walker. They may be right but that's too limiting on the farm and I won't progress that way. OTOH, a fall could mean serious problems. I do use one of the motorized carts when shopping where one is available.

My dad used to say "Getting old is h---". Yes, he was right :-(

 

[/pine]

You can really only help those that are willing to help themselves...FWIW...many health insurance policies have riders for assistance like you've been graciously providing...

Not to be callus but...On a dark humor note...did anyone see 'The Ballad of Buster Scruggs' ?

 

[scaredychicken]

Took disabled friend/neighbor to vote yesterday. Had him, me, wife, and two grandkids in the car. I finished first and went to the parking lot to get the Highlander. Pulled up close to the door and waited for the others who had maybe 100-200 feet to walk. Friend uses a cane and I saw him start to get faster and stumble but I couldn't get out of the car quick enough and he fell. Three or four big guys larger than I am ran over and helped him up. He wasn't hurt but it scared the crap out of me.

... But he now weighs over 300 pounds and I cannot get him up by myself. I hate to do this but it concerns me greatly. It will be a blow to his dignity for me to do this but what can I do.

RSKY

Hi RSKY

This describes my daily struggle. I do not weigh that much though, and at 185 lbs, I am still very active and able. I do have a considerable amount of challenges with balance, stabillity, stairs, snow. I've had Cerebral Palsy since birth, and I probably fall / wipe out 4-5x weekly. Normally the only injury is to my pride, apart from a few scrapes ... . I use a cane in town, I use a shovel walking on the property (it's too long for the vehicle, but it is better support). I use shopping carts in stores, and try to avoid the store's mobility carts because I need to keep going and not take the easy way.
I'm almost in tears writing a response to your note.
I have friends that have uncertainty in their reactions when I fall, but usually I need a minute to figure out how to get up. Friends that know me well, just wait a few seconds, and then can help as I figure it out. I'm not too proud to use the offered help. At my average weight even, it is a dead-weight for others assisting me.
Send me a PM if you want more thoughts on how you might be able to best help your friend. I have lots of examples in my daily doings.

 

[dodge man]

There is a line where a person goes from needing help to being a burden. Only you can decide where that point is. It’s a truly awful thing to tell your friend that, but at some point he will need professional help. That often means assisted living. There are also people that will come in your home for a part of a day. With some people that will crush their spirit, but you can only do so much. Both my parents went through this but with them it was cognitive ability they lost.

 

[dodge man]

Scaredychicken, I applaud your attitude. Just today I watched a young man who has worked at a local grocery store for several years gather the carts in the parking lot. I’m not sure if he has Cerebral Palsy or some other disability but he is very mobile and gets around well but is challenged. He has a very good attitude, is very intelligent and nice and plows ahead without asking for special consideration.

 

[scaredychicken]

Thanks dodge man, one of my biggest challenges in parking lots is the width of parking spaces. I try to get a handicapped space, or an end space / reverse in, so that I can open up the door wide enough to get out without dinging doors. I can walk across a parking lot, but if I am sardined into the parking space, that's a problem. I do what I can, and I do know most of my limits - absolutely need a railing when I'm on stairs, (and because I'm a leftie, I am always going down stairs on the wrong side of foot traffic) ... who cares ? I have been in / out of wheelchairs, as I had to learn to walk 4x when I was growing up. My surgeon Dr told me when I was 12 that I'd be expected to be in a wheelchair by the time I was 30 yrs old - I said, nope ... I'm 58 yrs old now. LOL. Trying to avoid a wheelchair for the next 10 yrs, if I'm blessed with that option, so I gotta keep going. My tractor has been a real help in getting things done on the property.

 

[Topzide]

Scaredychicken, get yourself a couple hiking poles. They work well outside and have the height that adjusts to what you want. I use them when outside since I also walk with a cane. Like the fact that you can push tip in for balancing yourself. Find that it lays across the loader arms on tractor for easy access.

 

[JohnDeereJoey]

...I am seriously considering telling him that I won't carry him anymore unless he uses a walker. ...

RSKY

I agree with your concerns and commend you for helping this person.

That said, I'd suggests changing the messaging. At least for a long while, don't mention anything about no longer helping unless he uses a walker. Instead, change the message to "you're really concerned about his health and safety (it sounds like you really are) and believe he would be well served if he used assistive devices (such as the walker you mention). If he resists, be persistent. Increasingly as time passes bye. Consider seeking common friends, family members etc. to help reinforce your message.

 

[jaxs]

I hope it's only a case of your friend overestimating his ability and not vanity. I have a long time friend that suffered several serious injuries as the result of not using his head. I commend you for doing what you do for your friend and I wish you all the best in helping him make good decisions.

 

[RSKY]

Hi RSKY

This describes my daily struggle. I do not weigh that much though, and at 185 lbs, I am still very active and able. I do have a considerable amount of challenges with balance, stabillity, stairs, snow. I've had Cerebral Palsy since birth, and I probably fall / wipe out 4-5x weekly. Normally the only injury is to my pride, apart from a few scrapes ... . I use a cane in town, I use a shovel walking on the property (it's too long for the vehicle, but it is better support). I use shopping carts in stores, and try to avoid the store's mobility carts because I need to keep going and not take the easy way.
I'm almost in tears writing a response to your note.
I have friends that have uncertainty in their reactions when I fall, but usually I need a minute to figure out how to get up. Friends that know me well, just wait a few seconds, and then can help as I figure it out. I'm not too proud to use the offered help. At my average weight even, it is a dead-weight for others assisting me.
Send me a PM if you want more thoughts on how you might be able to best help your friend. I have lots of examples in my daily doings.

My friend passed out at work twenty years ago. He had a brain tumor that caused him to go into a coma. It was removed but from that day he passed out he has had challenges many of us do not face. The tumor had damaged the nerves from his brain to his eyes and while he sees okay straight ahead and to the right he has no peripheral vision to the left. He mowed his yard for years only turning right. Try that sometime and see how it works. He has started dragging his right foot when he walks, uses a cane on the right side. But he has a hard time getting his left foot out of my vehicle. I wonder if he has had a mini-stroke or something. And he has put on a hundred pounds over the past five years. His wife died a few years after the tumor and he had a live in girlfriend for years that passed away last year. So now he is alone.

This guy graduated a year earlier than us from the small high school my wife and I attended. He has been a friend for sixty years. We have many acquaintances/friends in common. While not actually kin to either of us he is in a category close to being kinfolk. We look out for him as much as we can. There are other neighbors that take him places too. I am not the only one. I am just closer, retired, and he has known me and my wife for the longest.

RSKY