My twisted sense of humor-what's yours?

[Fixastuff]

"Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes". It was hard-core for a 3rd grader in a very conservative home.
I am guessing it has been cancelled by now but I have a hard copy.

Not canceled, you can get a digital copy for free on Amazon.

Amazon.com

 

[Alan W.]

A friend of mine, we will call him Bill, his mother does. One fine below zero winter morn he spied where another enterprising individual had placed a frozen still born calf in the standing position outside the local steakhouse.
He stopped and placed it in his trunk. Took it to work and when the opportunity arose he placed it in a coworkers trunk. Bill was giddy with himself. Months came and went with no rise or word from the victim. One early spring day the victim casually asked Bill if he had opened his pool yet. Now Bills pool stays green from fall till spring. Bill rushes home and finds a long pole and proceeds to probe his pool for a rotted carcass. He found out later the guy had found the calf and put it in the dumpster.

 

[2LaneCruzer]

I'm not much on practical jokes either; it's a good way to get someone hurt or make an enemy. Coworker told me of the time when he worked for a trucking company; they had a mechanic who was deathly afraid of snakes. Some one took a dead rattle snake and threw it under a truck he was working on. The guy tore his scalp and head up trying to get out from under the truck; he comes out bleeding; guys were laughing. He takes a Crescent wrench and clears the yard.

I did play a trick on a guy who used to bum cigarettes all the time; we were working at a sand pit, loading cars. There were times we could sit on the edge of the car, and have a cigarette; and of course he never had any. I got tired of it, and so I removed the tobacco from about half of the cigarette, inserted a filter from another cigarette, and filled it back up with the tobacco I had removed.

Sure enough, he asked me for a cigarette, and I gave him the one I had fixed. He lit it up, took a couple of puffs and the cigarette burst into flames...it burned like crazy for about 5 or 6 seconds, and the end dropped off. Every one just looked at the cigarette with big eyes like a baby owl, and then pretty soon the guy said "Damn! That half of the cigarette sure went fast". He never knew what happened and I never told anyone.

 

[Slowpoke Slim]

On snake pranks,

Back when I worked for a utility company in AZ, we had a guy on our crew that caught a live rattlesnake at a job site. He put it in his lunch box and brought it back to the office at the end of the day. He put his lunchbox (with snake) in the crew meeting room and left it there. Next morning, boss tells him he left it in the crew meeting room and handed if back to him in the morning "standup" meeting. Only problem was, the snake was gone.

At some point over night, the snake figured out how to get out of the lunchbox, and he went "walkabout" in the building. Guy had to confess to his crimes at that point and the building got emptied, various people called, emergency plan books consulted, etc. Only they didn't have an emergency plan in the book for a rattlesnake loose in the building. I think they found the snake the next day, AZ Game & Fish came and picked it up, no one got bit.

Guy got written up, but kept his job. Probably the first time HR ever reprimanded an employee for releasing a snake in the building. I think he got a citation from the state for disturbing wildlife, I really don't remember anymore.

 

[JasperFrank]

One place that I worked at had a very segregated work force. The people at Building One were the engineers and the people at Building Two were the line manufacturers. Building One people were very snoothy to all the folk at Building Two. Building One had a sand base, volley ball court, which Building Two people could not use.
I bought a bunch of fake rattle snakes and buried them in the sand on the volley ball court. This was good fun for about three years.

 

[Root Cause]

Pranks were common many years ago at one place I worked.

One girl in the office was easy to fool and she had a good sense of humor.

When bubble wrap became popular, we would tape some to the top of a tire (passenger side) of her car. She would roll two feet before the bam, bam, bam.

When Rain X first appeared, my buddy, Bill, in maintenance, used it on the CEO's windshield (passenger side only) so he had to hear the 'squeaking' of that one wiper when it rained.
Messages on the windshield followed. All in good humor, nothing rude or nasty.

I raised the office girls' chair about 1/2" every weekend for a few weeks. She looked long and hard at the desk thinking that somehow we were cutting off the legs.

When she complained about the deodorizer in the men's room (near her desk) I put a pod in each plant in the office. I had to eventually tell her about that. She could never figure out why that smell was sooo bad every Friday (when she watered the plants).

The CEO came back from vacation only to find the parking lot empty (we all parked out back) and had a "For Lease" sign on the front door. He seemed surprised that his door key still worked.

We worked hard, we played hard. Friends made then, were life-long friendships.

 

[2LaneCruzer]

 

[JethroB]

I made the mistake once of letting a friend at work know I had a spare car key in my desk. So he moves it into the CEO’s reserved space one afternoon. A big no-no to park there.
So I waited a couple of weeks then put his car behind the plant and had it completely surrounded by stacks of pallets. He asked for a truce.

 

[Fuddy1952]

My great uncle told me a funny one that happened 100 years ago. He worked at a manufacturing plant, one fellow the workers messed with his Model T. Ford used an ignition box to supply high voltage and guys would slip a piece of paper into the points so no ignition.
Every day guy's T wouldn't start so he would get the foreman. Guy's would remove paper, foreman would start it right up.
This went on quite some time...guy never did figure it out.

 

[etpm]

My humor was also molded by a book I found in the library when I was in the 3rd grade. Until then, I read a book only because I was told to do so. It was a book of poems that circulated by word of mouth in the 1890's and 1900's ( I learned this just a few years ago). It was titled,
"Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes". It was hard-core for a 3rd grader in a very conservative home.
I am guessing it has been cancelled by now but I have a hard copy.

I can remember a couple of them, not verbatum but you get the jest..

Little Willie threw his sister down the well.
Where she went he would not tell.
Momma went to draw some water, sure is hard to raise a daughter

Little Willie dressed in sashes, fell into the fire and burned to ashes.
Bye and bye, the room grew chilly but no one cared to poke up Willie.

Oh yes, Little Willie.

Little Willie
Pair of skates
Hole in ice
Golden Gates

Willie with a thirst for gore
Nailed his sister to the door
Mother said with humor quaint
Careful Will, don't mar the paint!

Little Willie on the tracks
Heard the engine squeal
Now the engine's coming back
They're scraping Willie off the wheel

Willie fell down the elevator
Wasn't found till six days later
At the funeral the neighbors sniffed gee whiz
What a spoiled child Willie is!

Willie poisoned his father's tea
Father died in agony
Willie's mother said quite vexed
Really Will! What next?

Not Willies, but related to yours:

Cooking toast by the fireside
Nurse fell in the grate and died
What makes matters ten times worse
All the toast was burned with nurse

In the well
Which the plumber built her
Aunt Eliza fell
We must buy a filter

I didn't need to check a book out, this was the type of humor I was exposed to in my home. If you had met my parents and their parents you would never have guessed because they were so outwardly conservative. My education, based on science and the scientific method, was also well rounded.