Divorce Advice :-(

mcd176 · Mar 9, 2012

Hello Everyone,

I am not sure if this is the right forum or not to post this but I am just in some need of some input, My wife of 11 years has decided to divorce me, We just simply cannot go on any longer as a married couple due to our differences, I will always love her, and I hope we can remain great friends as we have been discussing for our 19 year old son and 8 year old daughter.

One of biggest concerns is my little girl, she is only 8 and loves our home and property, I am able to afford to keep the house that we currently live in with the property, we will be sharing custody and I will get to see her pretty much daily, I am just so so worried about how this will all effect her.

If anyone has been thru this mess before if you have any kind words or advice id really appreciate it, I feel like my world is crashing down around me

Thank You

foreman Etexas · Mar 9, 2012

Well if yall can stay friends and not mind being around each other and new partners that will be great. I myself cannot be in the same room as my 10yr old sons mother,I have full custidy of him now she has put me threw the ringer,I have been to court several different times,just one of those people hard to get along with. A friend of mines parents got a divorce awhile back and believe it or not they get together with new partners and all set around just like friends,they said just cause two people cannot be married,doesnt mean they cannot be friends and them having two boys together,its just best if they can all get along. Hope all go's well for ya'll!!!!

Well I thought I was done but seperating with my first at first was a hard thing to swollow but now looking back 9yrs later it was the best thing that could ever happen. I have a great new wife and we have a 3yrs old son together and life is great everyone is happy now. It does hurt when you hear you child call someone else daddy but when x-wife did have a good husband(she divorced again) he really was a great father to my son and was so glad that he had someone that was also treating him as good as me,when I couldnt be there(thats when we had joint custidy). I didnt think that I was ever going to get married but then I met Cassie and thou I thought I had met my soul mate with my first,boy was I wrong,life is so much better for us and my boys. My first wife left me and wouldnt let me see my son,and its took almost 8mnths to finally get my rights,on top of all this I got laid of work and had to move back in with my parents,then 1mnth later ended up in bad car wreck(hit deer,then tree) that almost took my life and had to go threw 6mnths of physical therapy before I could even look for a job.Keep your head up buddy!!!

EddieWalker · Mar 9, 2012

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I can't help with any advice on dealing with kids, but after my divorce, I found therapy to be very helpful. Learning to talk about it and getting on with your life, and then having fun again is all a part of the process. Take it one day at a time and never do anything that you will be ashamed. Ignore what she says and focus on what is important. In time, life will be good again!!!!!

Eddie

sld · Mar 9, 2012

Like it or not, you two will be part of each others life for a long time due to the kids. If you can get to where you still get along it will be far easier. Don't do anything rash or spiteful out of anger. Life goes on and is what you make of it. Good luck and hang in there.

MasseyWV · Mar 9, 2012

Divorce will be hard on the children, whether they show it or not, and they may be confused and uncertain of many things at first but they will eventually adapt. Whatever happens between you and your wife, just don't allow the children to become pawns or tools of manipulation. I've seen it happen and it's heII on the kids.

Robert_in_NY · Mar 9, 2012

I have never been divorced but did go through a custody battle (I have full custody now). I learned in my situation that no matter what you say or she says at this point in time things will change. Be it you don't like the guy she is with or she doesn't like the woman your with or any number of other issues it just leads to strain on the situation.

Under no circumstance can you ever use your child as a pawn to hurt your ex with or to turn against your ex. If your ex tries to do this then sit down with your daughter and calmly explain things to her 100% honest. Don't leave out things or sugar coat things. Just be honest and kind and never bad mouth your ex (her mother) in front of her or around her.

And here is the biggest piece of advice I give everyone going into a custody battle. Get as much as you can immediately while your still getting alone. Go for 50/50 and if your in the same area let your daughter spend a week with you and a week with her and so on so forth. Each parent pays for the child when they have them but share in medical and other items that you would want to help with the costs. This way there is no support/ support court apperances/headaches. Your child has both parents equally and you get equal time with your child. Set it up for right of first refusal (granted your daughter is getting older now so it may not be an issue). First refusal allows you to have your daughter when she would be left with a baby sitter or such (daycare for younger kids). Also stipulate that your child stay in the current school district unless you both agree on a change.

With custody situations you get everything you can immediately. Its so much easier to get custody at the begging but if you give up full custody right away and then try to change it at a later time you will have a huge battle. Its so hard to get the courts to change a custody agreement after the fact so don't make the mistake and be the "nice guy" in this situation. Do whats best for your daughter and you and leave feelings out of it. If you try to be the nice guy and think your ex will be the same way all you will end up with is child support payments and every other weekend.

I was very fortunate in my situation, we agreed verbally to 50/50 with joint placement giving us both equal rights as parents in every aspect. There was no custodial/non-custodial parent garbage. However, when we first agreed to it she was very happy to agree to my terms. However, once I had the agreement wrote up and gave it to her to sign she started changing her tune. After she signed and we went in front of the judge to have the agreement entered as the actual custody agreement she completely turned and said I forced her to sign it and she didn't want to do it. She now wanted full custody. So after spending thousands of dollars and going back and forth for months she agreed to the same exact document she signed (literally, that was our actual custody agreement, the one we both signed). So don't be the nice guy, it doesn't protect your rights or your childs rights.

Western · Mar 10, 2012

Thats a tough one, sure will pull for ya.

Couple of things, I agree with Eddie, check into counseling for your daughter AND you, try to find one that specializes in children. Check your insurance and see what coverage you have, if any. Sad to say, this is very common, so finding a therapist should be easy. I think the main thing should be that the kids KNOW they have no responsibility for the divorce, thus no guilt for it, real or perceived.

2nd, get a good attorney. Take his advice, they've been through this a 1000 times and know generally what to expect. She wants out of one of the biggest contracts a human can make with another, so at this point, I would trust an attorney more than her. Bottom line, protect yourself.

To start moving on with your life, accept any responsibility you have for the problems in the marriage, it will be allot easier "swimming with the current" when your right with yourself.
Wish you luck

ultrarunner · Mar 10, 2012

One thing I have observed is to never rule out anything...

I know 3 couples that divorced and later remarried... two did it on the anniversary of their original wedding day... guess it keeps things simple.

People change and grow apart... they can also change and come together.

On another note... seems often that men are too agreeable starting out... it's a credit to be civil but, no sense in giving away the farm either.

I walked my cousin down the isle when she married... her father and step-father attended the service and they are always civil to each other and good to her... it is that she spent most of her life with her step-dad and is very close to her mom... thankfully, everyone on both sides was OK with my participation... especially my cousin who I am very close with...

TripleR · Mar 10, 2012

Sorry to hear about your situation. My wife and I have been married 43+ years and will be as long as we live, but about everyone else in our family has gone through what you are at least once. You have gotten some really useful advice so far on which I really can't improve. All I can say that there is no universal advice other than oft repeated here and that is don't let the kids become pawns and they should be the most important consideration. We (collectively) brought them into this world and as a parent our first responsibility should always be to them.

Divorce can never be painless, but it is survivable and while I will never divorce, there are times when it is the best of several bad options. My brother and his ex wife remain good friends and friends with each others present mate. They will all be together this weekend to celebrate my mother's 90th birthday and no one will be uncomfortable. The kids are now well adjusted adults with families of their own.

We also have others who can hardly be in the same zip code.

How you, your wife and children weather this emotionally trying time will be entirely up to you and I have no doubt if you both commit to it in the end, things will be fine.

mcd176 · Mar 11, 2012

I sincerely thank each and every one of you who have posted to me in this rough time, I have always depended on this site for all my tractor related advice and never thought of using it for this advice, but I have now found out that this site is like having another family, I will be posting updates as they happen. again thank all of you.

Mike

2manyrocks · Mar 11, 2012

The internet is not some place for intensely personal advice. You don't really know me nor do I know you, your wife or your children to be able to be able to offer suggestions that are specifically appropriate to your situation, but general in nature.

FWIW, I second the advice to use a good attorney. An attorney who does it cheap or doesn't pay attention to your own situation may unintentionally allow you to get in a bind.

Having said that, few attoneys give advice of a personal nature. The majority give legal advice and are not really counselors. I haven't personally seen an attorney help put a marriage back together. Attorneys are sort of like paid technicians if you will whose focus in on the legal side of things and not the personal side. Some attorneys will put you on the divorce track because that's the most efficient method for them to earn their fees.

Whether you should be on that track is a specific personal question.

My perception of your OP is that your wife is initiating this. Reading between the lines, I'm wondering if you'd rather not divorce.

Is there some person, some mentor, anybody who really knows you and your wife and that might be of personal help? Have things gone so far things can't be turned around for the better? Are there some things that can be changed to reduce the conflict and restore your relationship?

There was a point in my marriage where my wife and I were headed that way. We went to a church sponorsed marriage retreat. The turning point came when we each had to get up in front of the group and say something nice about each other. It was a simple thing, and my wife and I are still grateful to the couple that led the retreat that weekend.

Love is poorly defined in our culture. The Bible indicates that spouses are to love each other the same way God loves each of us. God has chosen to love us and loves us in spite of how we act. God loves selflessly-not selfishly. God has made a decision to love us and doesn't go backwards on His decision even when we give Him good reason to. As husbands and wives, maybe we all need to consider God's example to us of being patient, kind, not selfish, thinking of the needs of others first above our own (1 Corinthians chapter 13:4).

As a Father of a daughter, I think the best way for me to teach my daughter about love is how I show love to my wife. When some young man comes along and says he loves my daughter, I want her to be able to discern whether his love is a selfish love or a selfless love modeled on God's love. The only way I know to try to teach this is for me to live it out in practice for her to see.

I hope I have offered something useful or encouraging to you in this difficult time.

enterprisebbc · Mar 11, 2012

Sorry to hear about your situation but as sad as it is you should know and probably do in some small way that things do improve as time goes on and before you know it your normal again only this time a little wiser. Do have a good Attorney and soon youll be sitting down with him sharing Scotch in his office when this thing is over and you have done well. He might say somthing like mine did. How does it feel to be raped and like it?

rekees4300 · Mar 11, 2012

mcd176 said:
advice id really appreciate it

Kids tend to blame divorces on themselves. Sit down with your kids (especially the 8 year old) and let them know in no uncertain terms that the divorce wasn't their fault.

LWG · Mar 11, 2012

The first thing you should do is get a lawyer. When women start thinking that they are going to "lose" they will start making allegations of domestic violence. That is their trump card for which there is no corresponding remedy for you. At risk is your freedom, your right to custody, your possessions, and your sanity. My ex did that four times. After she lost each one of those, she went to the prosecutor's office and had me arrested. I didn't see my kids for months. when my lawyer was finally able to arrange some visitation, she called the police every time I went over.

This all has a happy ending. Some of the domestic violence cases went on for several days of trial. The ex's brother, who is a psychologist, came from hundreds of miles away to testify that his sister was sick and needed help. The divorce trial itself was several days. The judge, who was a woman, did not like all the police involvement. I got the house and custody of both children. She pays me child support every month. Heh.

RobertBrown · Mar 11, 2012

Starting today you need to focus on 3 things: your daughter, your assets, and your future.
I get the feeling your spouse has been doing this for a while.
6 words I hate to use:
Your going to need a lawyer.
Family Law Offices | Divorce Offices | Cordell and Cordell

samandmax · Mar 11, 2012

Dont sell the bike! It is cheaper and more fun than therapy.:thumbsup:

duke7595 · Mar 11, 2012

Sorry about your situation.
There are a few hard questions you need to ask yourself;

1, Is her reason for wanting a divorce, another guy, either one she has been seeing for awhile or not. A man most of the time can tell by the little things a woman does, they are usually very settle but they are there.

2. Do you still love her,and can you live with the thought of her cheating, if that is the case

3. If you really believe you can forgive her then go to her and ask straight out
if she has been cheating and how long. WATCH HER REACTIONS (body language)
you will know. You will then have to make a decision, of course this all depends on her, is she willing to give up this guy and try to make your marriage work.
It will not be easy, but if you do love her fight it's your right.

Good luck.

4shorts · Mar 11, 2012

Oh man I'm so sorry to hear about this. I've been married for 30 years now and think the world of my wife. That being said you have to look after your own well being.
Yes it's tough now but it will get better. I've had friends & family go through this and they've all moved on and led very happy lives. You sir will be in my prayers. Please keep telling yourself life will get better. :thumbsup: Cheers, Paul

Western · Mar 11, 2012

duke7595 said:
Sorry about your situation.
There are a few hard questions you need to ask yourself;

1, Is her reason for wanting a divorce, another guy, either one she has been seeing for awhile or not. A man most of the time can tell by the little things a woman does, they are usually very settle but they are there.

2. Do you still love her,and can you live with the thought of her cheating, if that is the case

3. If you really believe you can forgive her then go to her and ask straight out
if she has been cheating and how long. WATCH HER REACTIONS (body language)
you will know. You will then have to make a decision, of course this all depends on her, is she willing to give up this guy and try to make your marriage work.
It will not be easy, but if you do love her fight it's your right.

Good luck.

With all do respect, I think if that is in the equation, save your self the grief and move on.
A person may "think" they can handle something while in an emotional state, then find out later it's too tough a road to travel. forgiving is one thing, it's the forget part thats hard. Then the kids get drug down another road full of bumps. again.

IMO if that was the case, then separate for several months to a year, then see how you feel, after your mind is ultra clear.

dmccarty · Mar 13, 2012

First of all, this is not the end of the world, it is a end of a life you had and now is time to move on to a new phase.

Tis easier said than done.

It hurts and it will take awhile to move on but eventually this will be in the past.

The hosts and staff of morning radio show I listen too have been through numerous divorces, with and without kids. They joke that three marriages is about right. :laughing: Nor for me!

A constant refrain heard on the show from callers is that after the divorce they found someone MUCH better. That may be hard for you to see and believe at this point but there is a light at the end of the tunnel though right now it might be a wee small almost unseen light. It is there. You just have to slog through all of the mess you are in right now to see the light. Just keep moving foward.

My wifey had divorced parents and an a....ss for a step father. The divorce was ugly and my FIL and MIL were not on speaking terms for years. Eventually they accepted what was and are civil to each other now. This had an effect on the wife.

Whatever issues are between you and the wife, keep the kids out of it as much as possible. Explain they are not part of the problems between mom and dad.

I have noticed with my kids that quite a few of their friends in school are divorced with more happening every day which is sad to say. Some parents have also gotten back together. The kids of today seem more ok with divorce than my generation. Maybe because it is so common?

I think some of the angst kids had with divorced parents was because it was uncommon when I was a kid which made it harder for other kids to understand what was happening. Our kids have come home from school and flat out asked if we were getting divorced!

I think they have asked because they see their friends parent's getting divorced.

Certainly talk the situation over with your kids, and if you think they need to talk to someone else about the divorce, let them.

Get a good lawyer. This does not mean you have to start a wee wee contest with the wife but you need to know YOUR rights.

Do not forget that it will get better. It will take time. There will be tough and rough spots but it will get better.

Later,
Dan