Divorce Advice :-(

[2manyrocks]

The internet is not some place for intensely personal advice. You don't really know me nor do I know you, your wife or your children to be able to be able to offer suggestions that are specifically appropriate to your situation, but general in nature.

FWIW, I second the advice to use a good attorney. An attorney who does it cheap or doesn't pay attention to your own situation may unintentionally allow you to get in a bind.

Having said that, few attoneys give advice of a personal nature. The majority give legal advice and are not really counselors. I haven't personally seen an attorney help put a marriage back together. Attorneys are sort of like paid technicians if you will whose focus in on the legal side of things and not the personal side. Some attorneys will put you on the divorce track because that's the most efficient method for them to earn their fees.

Whether you should be on that track is a specific personal question.

My perception of your OP is that your wife is initiating this. Reading between the lines, I'm wondering if you'd rather not divorce.

Is there some person, some mentor, anybody who really knows you and your wife and that might be of personal help? Have things gone so far things can't be turned around for the better? Are there some things that can be changed to reduce the conflict and restore your relationship?

There was a point in my marriage where my wife and I were headed that way. We went to a church sponorsed marriage retreat. The turning point came when we each had to get up in front of the group and say something nice about each other. It was a simple thing, and my wife and I are still grateful to the couple that led the retreat that weekend.

Love is poorly defined in our culture. The Bible indicates that spouses are to love each other the same way God loves each of us. God has chosen to love us and loves us in spite of how we act. God loves selflessly-not selfishly. God has made a decision to love us and doesn't go backwards on His decision even when we give Him good reason to. As husbands and wives, maybe we all need to consider God's example to us of being patient, kind, not selfish, thinking of the needs of others first above our own (1 Corinthians chapter 13:4).

As a Father of a daughter, I think the best way for me to teach my daughter about love is how I show love to my wife. When some young man comes along and says he loves my daughter, I want her to be able to discern whether his love is a selfish love or a selfless love modeled on God's love. The only way I know to try to teach this is for me to live it out in practice for her to see.

I hope I have offered something useful or encouraging to you in this difficult time.

 

[enterprisebbc]

Sorry to hear about your situation but as sad as it is you should know and probably do in some small way that things do improve as time goes on and before you know it your normal again only this time a little wiser. Do have a good Attorney and soon youll be sitting down with him sharing Scotch in his office when this thing is over and you have done well. He might say somthing like mine did. How does it feel to be raped and like it?

 

[rekees4300]

advice id really appreciate it

Kids tend to blame divorces on themselves. Sit down with your kids (especially the 8 year old) and let them know in no uncertain terms that the divorce wasn't their fault.

 

[LWG]

The first thing you should do is get a lawyer. When women start thinking that they are going to "lose" they will start making allegations of domestic violence. That is their trump card for which there is no corresponding remedy for you. At risk is your freedom, your right to custody, your possessions, and your sanity. My ex did that four times. After she lost each one of those, she went to the prosecutor's office and had me arrested. I didn't see my kids for months. when my lawyer was finally able to arrange some visitation, she called the police every time I went over.

This all has a happy ending. Some of the domestic violence cases went on for several days of trial. The ex's brother, who is a psychologist, came from hundreds of miles away to testify that his sister was sick and needed help. The divorce trial itself was several days. The judge, who was a woman, did not like all the police involvement. I got the house and custody of both children. She pays me child support every month. Heh.

 

[RobertBrown]

Starting today you need to focus on 3 things: your daughter, your assets, and your future.
I get the feeling your spouse has been doing this for a while.
6 words I hate to use:
Your going to need a lawyer.
Family Law Offices | Divorce Offices | Cordell and Cordell

 

[samandmax]

Dont sell the bike! It is cheaper and more fun than therapy.:thumbsup:

 

[duke7595]

Sorry about your situation.
There are a few hard questions you need to ask yourself;

1, Is her reason for wanting a divorce, another guy, either one she has been seeing for awhile or not. A man most of the time can tell by the little things a woman does, they are usually very settle but they are there.

2. Do you still love her,and can you live with the thought of her cheating, if that is the case

3. If you really believe you can forgive her then go to her and ask straight out
if she has been cheating and how long. WATCH HER REACTIONS (body language)
you will know. You will then have to make a decision, of course this all depends on her, is she willing to give up this guy and try to make your marriage work.
It will not be easy, but if you do love her fight it's your right.

Good luck.

 

[4shorts]

Oh man I'm so sorry to hear about this. I've been married for 30 years now and think the world of my wife. That being said you have to look after your own well being.
Yes it's tough now but it will get better. I've had friends & family go through this and they've all moved on and led very happy lives. You sir will be in my prayers. Please keep telling yourself life will get better. :thumbsup: Cheers, Paul

 

[Western]

Sorry about your situation.
There are a few hard questions you need to ask yourself;

1, Is her reason for wanting a divorce, another guy, either one she has been seeing for awhile or not. A man most of the time can tell by the little things a woman does, they are usually very settle but they are there.

2. Do you still love her,and can you live with the thought of her cheating, if that is the case

3. If you really believe you can forgive her then go to her and ask straight out
if she has been cheating and how long. WATCH HER REACTIONS (body language)
you will know. You will then have to make a decision, of course this all depends on her, is she willing to give up this guy and try to make your marriage work.
It will not be easy, but if you do love her fight it's your right.

Good luck.

With all do respect, I think if that is in the equation, save your self the grief and move on.
A person may "think" they can handle something while in an emotional state, then find out later it's too tough a road to travel. forgiving is one thing, it's the forget part thats hard. Then the kids get drug down another road full of bumps. again.

IMO if that was the case, then separate for several months to a year, then see how you feel, after your mind is ultra clear.

 

[dmccarty]

First of all, this is not the end of the world, it is a end of a life you had and now is time to move on to a new phase.

Tis easier said than done.

It hurts and it will take awhile to move on but eventually this will be in the past.

The hosts and staff of morning radio show I listen too have been through numerous divorces, with and without kids. They joke that three marriages is about right. :laughing: Nor for me! A constant refrain heard on the show from callers is that after the divorce they found someone MUCH better. That may be hard for you to see and believe at this point but there is a light at the end of the tunnel though right now it might be a wee small almost unseen light. It is there. You just have to slog through all of the mess you are in right now to see the light. Just keep moving foward.

My wifey had divorced parents and an a....ss for a step father. The divorce was ugly and my FIL and MIL were not on speaking terms for years. Eventually they accepted what was and are civil to each other now. This had an effect on the wife.

Whatever issues are between you and the wife, keep the kids out of it as much as possible. Explain they are not part of the problems between mom and dad.

I have noticed with my kids that quite a few of their friends in school are divorced with more happening every day which is sad to say. Some parents have also gotten back together. The kids of today seem more ok with divorce than my generation. Maybe because it is so common? I think some of the angst kids had with divorced parents was because it was uncommon when I was a kid which made it harder for other kids to understand what was happening. Our kids have come home from school and flat out asked if we were getting divorced! I think they have asked because they see their friends parent's getting divorced.

Certainly talk the situation over with your kids, and if you think they need to talk to someone else about the divorce, let them.

Get a good lawyer. This does not mean you have to start a wee wee contest with the wife but you need to know YOUR rights.

Do not forget that it will get better. It will take time. There will be tough and rough spots but it will get better.

Later,
Dan