At what age should your kids be independent?

[JDgreen227]

Guys...I don't have any kids myself, hence the query. A good friend of mine and his wife that are my age (over 60 and retired) are constantly being asked for help (financial, babysitting, etc) by their 29 year old son, who is unmarried with 2 young kids to support. He works part time and has two years of college and is working on a degree with his third year just beginning now. He does collect support for the kids and I am sure he tries to better his situation and he isn't afraid to work, BUT:

When I was 22 years old I was completely independent and didn't need any help from my parents. and my brother who was two years younger didn't either. My brother has two sons, the eldest is 23 and neither of them ask for financial help from either parent and the younger one works 3 part time jobs to support himself. Maybe I am naive, but I don't really understand why my friend and his wife continue to help support their son, who should be able to do it on his own.

So...I am asking, what is your opinion? For what it may be worth, I do admire my friend and his wife.

 

[bigtiller]

I don't know why it is so hard for an enabler to say no to a user. But to answer your question, I think 25 should be the maximum age for a kid to suckle his mother. That is only because, (I think?) the kid can stay on the parents health insurance until that age. After that he needs to start contributing something to the household.

 

[Dutch445]

wow is this a hot topic. (at least in my world)
like you, at 21 i was married, 2 kids came along shortly. both of us worked,
purchased a 2 family home, then a 6 family home to rent out, all by age 23.
i can't say i never had a hardship, but from an early age it was work to earn money
to pay bills and save if possible.
as my kids grew up, and i divorced, we struggled with the boys. the older one did
get a degree and married, had a baby and their own home. he never moved back after
taking his own place at school.
the younger one is a different story. bounced between school, his mother, and me until
finally last summer got the itch to drive cross country to venture out on his own. he's 26 now
and seems to be doing ok, although still bouncing from job to job.
here at home, my fiance's kids are younger, but, the daughter had a baby, and was engaged,
and lived with us until i sent them packing just over a year ago (23 now) the younger son, (just
turned 21) is back with us, after a couple stays at rehab, and he has no job, no car, no license,
and is starting all over again as of last week.
it seems to me that there seems to be a big change with adult children needing more support
from parents, but who's to blame? i know it's not everybody, and there are success stories,
but more and more kids in their 20's don't seem to be able to support themselves, be it thru
laziness,, or lack of motivation, or maybe the fact that we as parents gave them so much growing
up that they expect it, didn't learn early on the value of earning something for themselves.

if i had all the answers i guess i'd be rich!

 

[2LaneCruzer]

It's one thing to facilitate a 29 year old; it's another to want to make sure that the grand kids being taken care of. It's difficult to know what's going on in your friends' minds, but I suspect they have the welfare of the grand kids at heart. At least the son is trying to better himself by finishing his education; however "constantly asking for help" bespeaks a lack of accountability on his part by his parents. I know from personal experience that it's hard to see the grand kids suffer when you have the ability to help.

 

[MossRoad]

There's a lot of factors there to consider...
There is no set age when someone 'grows up'.
There's the parents, their finances, their parenting methods, the number of siblings in a family, the socioeconomic situation of the family, the region's job market, all kinds of things...
I had four older siblings. Mom and dad gave us all the same deal.... stay at home and go to college locally and you would get free room and board until graduation, then you pay rent or move out. OR, if you didn't go to college you could still stay at home, but you had to pay rent or move out. OR, you could go away to college, but they could only offer a small amount of financial assistance and you were pretty much on your own as to how you were going to afford it.

Anyhow, I think that's a fair deal. If you have kids, you should discuss this stuff with them when they start high school so they know what's coming in 4 years. Kicking a kid out at an arbitrary age won't work as all of them are at different levels of maturity, ability, finances, etc.... and sometimes, the love of their life turns out to be a turd, or dies, or becomes mentally ill, loses a job, physically unable to work, etc.... or any combination of those things. And sometimes the folks step in to help. Just be sure to set guidelines for their recovery back to independent living. Remember, any one of us is just a step away from catastrophe and we all are pretty much willing to help family out as much as possible. But you have to realize if your adult child is trying to take advantage of you vs. resolving their issues and put a stop to it ASAP or your doomed to help them fail.

 

[DeereMann]

My experiences have been that all individuals are different - some need more encouragement & support, some don't. Parents are different too - some enable permanent children, some actually parent & turn out adults.

So one can't really overgeneralize, but I see both of these types of situations with a high degree of correlation. There is also a generational difference based on cycles of the economy that influences people's behavior. Boom times seem to produce entitlement behavior, boon times seem to produce overly zelous behavior.

The challenge is for parents (& to a lesser extent kids), to become cognizant of who they are & why, and attempt to temper the extreme edges to the extent possible. Me, I come from the spoiled boomer generation tail end, where my over-zealous depression era parents would not spend a dime and I was on my own. So I tend to want to make up for that by over spending etc. It is a never ending battle as your development influences stay with you for a lifetime.

:soapbox:

 

[Travelover]

........ Maybe I am naive, but I don't really understand why my friend and his wife continue to help support their son, who should be able to do it on his own..............

In some cases, the enabler likes the dependency because it allows them to continue to exercise some control over the adult kid. It also makes the enabler feel needed and good about themselves.

I was married at 20 just after my second parent died, put myself and wife through college and was financially independent (no longer needed to work) at age 45. I don't like to see this dependency go on, but every family has its own dynamic.

 

[k0ua]

There's a lot of factors there to consider...
There is no set age when someone 'grows up'.
There's the parents, their finances, their parenting methods, the number of siblings in a family, the socioeconomic situation of the family, the region's job market, all kinds of things...
I had four older siblings. Mom and dad gave us all the same deal.... stay at home and go to college locally and you would get free room and board until graduation, then you pay rent or move out. OR, if you didn't go to college you could still stay at home, but you had to pay rent or move out. OR, you could go away to college, but they could only offer a small amount of financial assistance and you were pretty much on your own as to how you were going to afford it.

Anyhow, I think that's a fair deal. If you have kids, you should discuss this stuff with them when they start high school so they know what's coming in 4 years. Kicking a kid out at an arbitrary age won't work as all of them are at different levels of maturity, ability, finances, etc.... and sometimes, the love of their life turns out to be a turd, or dies, or becomes mentally ill, loses a job, physically unable to work, etc.... or any combination of those things. And sometimes the folks step in to help. Just be sure to set guidelines for their recovery back to independent living. Remember, any one of us is just a step away from catastrophe and we all are pretty much willing to help family out as much as possible. But you have to realize if your adult child is trying to take advantage of you vs. resolving their issues and put a stop to it ASAP or your doomed to help them fail.

I would tend to agree with this the most.. I moved out at 21 and never looked back, but our daughter moved in and out, and needed help well into her mid 20's. Some people just have some bad luck or make some bad choices. Of course some children may be of the type to live at home the rest of their life. Several of my classmates moved out of home soon after graduation at age 18. Different people do grow up at different ages. And maybe getting a job and living on your own was easier when we were kids. It sure seems like it.

 

[mikim]

I have seen it vary from kid to kid in my kids and others and have come to the belief that everyone matures to a certain age then stops. Sometimes they're 23 going on 13 - others are 30 at 18....but I don't think they ever get past the age at which they stop maturing. One daughter grew up from the age of 16 - 18 she matured from 14 to 34 --I swear she gained 20 yrs of maturity in those 2 years. Her sister never got past 13 or 14 even after 2 children. I think I stopped at 33 ....and my 64 year old body screams every time it has to cash a check my 33 year old brain wrote. They're yer kids til YOU die ... and can sometimes try your patience all the way to the grave.

 

[randy41]

my 37 year old is completely on her own. my 29 year old is close but needs occasional help. but he hasn't in quite a while so he may be good to go. my 25 year old son still needs financial help her and there. he'll get there. if i can help someone i love, why not?