At what age should your kids be independent?

[ovrszd]

If we were all identical, there would be one answer. But, we're not and there isn't.

Most if not everyone on this forum is mature, independent and successful. Thus it's tempting to think that everyone else can and should be like us.

I don't think that all humans ever have or ever will ALL become mature, independent or successful. Some will, some won't.
I'm 70...let's talk about the old days....my dad's father had 3 boys, 1 girl.

One boy got PhD, worked way thru college, worked all his life, college professor, recognized superior in his field in both Texas and Mexico.

2nd boy got a bachelor's after WWII on GI bill, worked all his life, numerous patents, inventor, never married, assisted family members with his money.

3rd boy got PhD worked a little, almost always lived at home, became schizophrenic, literally crawled into a tree to roost with the chickens once, danger to self, required constant supervision....modern meds for mental illness came along too late for him.

girl flunked out...party girl and never worked a day in her life. Married twice, 1 daughter, degree, worked all her life and took care of her father, mother, grandfather, grandmother and uncle in the final 35+ years of their lives.

My grandfather bounced from job to job, getting fired from many, never held one for long, fundamentally was supported by grandmother who worked as a secretary and ran a boarding house for money.

Now, that's in a family where the IQ was substantially above 100 and native skills/ability abounded and there were NO alcoholics or drug users and NO social barriers such as discrimination, language.

So, it appears that both now and in the old days people find their way or lose their way with regularity.

And then there are the challenges faced by those of average IQ, or less, racial or religious or ethnic minorities, physical or mental disabilities, etc.....

There, but for fortune, go you and I.

Kinda a miracle that any of us end up being "normal," mature, independent, successful, self sufficient..

Very well stated. I'm very Blessed that my Parents, Siblings and my offspring are all mentally prepared and equipped to be self sufficient. So I know little about your situation. I accept and respect that there are those that cannot and never will be able to be self sufficient. I willingly accept and support taking care of those. My blunt references are to the thousands that have nothing wrong mentally or physically and choose to be lazy because it's allowed.

Again, very well stated. Your family offers the entire spectrum of humanity.

 

[nwltruck]

Always was there to help a set of people in my life. I walked into they're house shortly after giving them money to get by and came across the new 54' flat screen that was not there two weeks before. Have not given them anything since. Like I said I'm willing to help anyone, but I will not support you. People fall on hard times no matter of age and I have no problem helping when needed. My wife a I have done well for our selves, but with out the help of our families in the beginning no one knows were we would have ended up.

 

[Fishmansdad]

It is natural to be curious about other people's lives, but it is a really bad idea to interfere with those strange situations. You can't know all of the factors going into the situation.

For my part, my Mom helped me a lot as I got my education and a new bride and children. Later in life, as I helped my own children in tough situations, I viewed it as paying forward the debt I incurred with my Mom. The result has been very positive outcomes for our offspring and their progeny, as well.

 

[kenmac]

I know there are situations where my children may need help .Getting them out of a financial bind isn't 1 of them. I have preached to them at a young age to not get in over their heads. My oldest will never learn, until something happens and he looses things he shouldn't have gone into debt for. I hate it ,but I see the writing on the wall. Too bad he can't

 

[Gunny]

Someone once said that there will always be someone in the family that has trouble coping with life and will need support. I have found that to be true, and no amount of analysis can explain it away.

We've got 2 sons and 2 daughters. The two daughters have always managed to take pretty good care of themselves since they graduated and left the roost. One of the sons graduated from high school, got a decent job and has since been independent and takes good care of his wife and family. The oldest son dropped out of school, couldn't cut the military and got discharged, has been married two times, has five kids by two different women (one that he was never married to) and it still seems that at least once a year he gets fired (though he never did anything wrong by his account) and needs to stay with us for "long enough to get his feet back on the ground". The last time it took him 6 months to find the ground and get his feet down there. Then to add insult to injury, he absolutely will not help out around the house or farm while he's living with us, always has an excuse as for why he isn't able to.

All of these kids were raised exactly the same and all had the same opportunities offered to them, but there is some reason why the oldest boy just hasn't been able to cope

According to him, it's never his fault, but it seems to me that the facts don't support his side of the story. I keep telling my wife that we need to show some "tough love" and force him to straighten out, but it falls on a mothers deaf ears. So I guess we'll keep the guest room ready for the next time.

 

[Redneck in training]

Guys...I don't have any kids myself, hence the query. A good friend of mine and his wife that are my age (over 60 and retired) are constantly being asked for help (financial, babysitting, etc) by their 29 year old son, who is unmarried with 2 young kids to support. He works part time and has two years of college and is working on a degree with his third year just beginning now. He does collect support for the kids and I am sure he tries to better his situation and he isn't afraid to work, BUT:

When I was 22 years old I was completely independent and didn't need any help from my parents. and my brother who was two years younger didn't either. My brother has two sons, the eldest is 23 and neither of them ask for financial help from either parent and the younger one works 3 part time jobs to support himself. Maybe I am naive, but I don't really understand why my friend and his wife continue to help support their son, who should be able to do it on his own.

So...I am asking, what is your opinion? For what it may be worth, I do admire my friend and his wife.

If he is going to college full time while working part time and taking care of his two kids there is no way he could make it without help of parrents.

 

[kenmac]

I keep telling my wife that we need to show some "tough love" and force him to straighten out, but it falls on a mothers deaf ears. So I guess we'll keep the guest room ready for the next time.

I would tell my wife. We've tried it your way and it hasn't worked. Now, we're going to try it my way. If you're doing the same thing over and over & getting the same results .It's time to try something else

 

[JDgreen227]

If he is going to college full time while working part time and taking care of his two kids there is no way he could make it without help of parrents.

Thanks for pointing out something I should have clarified in the beginning...the young man is NOT going to college full time. My error.

While on this subject, while I was growing up I had a brother and sister, and two guy and two girl cousins. My brother and I as well as my guy cousins have always been hard workers and we pretty well made a success of our lives, while my sister and my girl cousins who had the same opportunities and were 1-3 years older than the guy siblings have pretty much done nothing with their lives except coast along and get by. My sister will turn 65 next week and her entire income is from SS, the next older cousin works part time at a grocery store, and the youngest cousin (60 years old) has done little with her life but drift along from job to job. While my brother and I joke about this, we also wonder what the (bleep) is wrong with these women.

 

[HillStreet]

He's 29 and has 2 kids. He put himself in that position, and he is getting "support" for the kids? Support from whom? His priority is to work full time and raise the kids on his own. Full time college may or may not better his circumstances, but as an adult he ought not be asking others to support him while doing so. Sorry, he missed the college boat, and he needs to grow up and face his responsibilities.

I know, sounds harsh, but I'm standing by my words.

 

[zzvyb6]

He's 29 and has 2 kids. He put himself in that position, and he is getting "support" for the kids? Support from whom? His priority is to work full time and raise the kids on his own. Full time college may or may not better his circumstances, but as an adult he ought not be asking others to support him while doing so. Sorry, he missed the college boat, and he needs to grow up and face his responsibilities.

I know, sounds harsh, but I'm standing by my words.

Ding, ding, ding. We have a winner. 'Kids' like this are just sucking the life and happiness out of your old age. Money you are wasting on them should be going into your retirement fund. If they are so used to handouts, benefits, allowances and services, they won't have any idea on how to take care of themselves when you are dead (or worse) and won't be able to help you (out of love OR money) when it's time for them to honor you.

And don't say 'passed' or 'gone' or some other polite word to avoid the subject. You are 'dead' and they will curse you for leaving them miserable and for not weaning them from their welfare state. If you can't kick them out of the house, buy another one with 1 bedroom and bathroom that comes with a huge barn, stalls, and a machinery shed. Then announce moving day.