Parents with dementia, how dealing with that has gone.

[ArlyA]

Power of attorney laws are quite different in each state.

 

[Sigarms]

Power of attorney laws are quite different in each state.

Agreed. That said, since your wife's parents only have two children, I think it's something that we can agree upon that should be known between your wife and her brother.

Sounds like your BIL has his HUHA which would have me concerned if he's the one making decisions for your wife's parents.

 

[WinterDeere]

I'm a little worried. What happens if my wife and her sister disagree on what should happen to my MIL if she is in a hospital and her (my MIL) life is in both my wife's and sisters hands?

I'm in the process of redoing all of this with my mother and the husband she married late in life. There's my sister, my wife, and I on my mother's side, and a son and wife on her husband's side.

We've come to the conclusion that seeking consensus on every medical and small financial decision is a waste of time and everyone's patience, so as the documents are being redrawn now, I believe they will give any one person the ability to make medical decisions and financial decisions up to something like $10k or $15k. No sense in having to call my sister or step-brother for every small thing, it'd be an endless game of phone tag.

But for major decisions, moving large sums from one account to another, there must be consensus of my step brother with at least my sister or I.

Exact wording is TBD, but that's the gist of it. It's in flux at the moment, and there's living rights issues between the two parents, such that one has rights to the assets of the other (they have multiple houses in different states) until deceased.

 

[California]

I and wife recently completed Wills and POA paper work. California has separate Power of Attorney documents for health decisions and financial decisions. I was advised the health one needs to be re-declared from time to time because no health provider will make major decisions based on an outdated version.

Each of us delegated POA to the other, with younger daughter living an hour away as first alternate. Older daughter lives overseas. She is named second alternate because it is not certain that she could be contacted timely. In all cases responsibility rests on only one person, not shared.

For our Wills and Successor Trustee of the Trust we created for estate distribution, the same persons are named, surviving spouse > local daughter > overseas daughter > then husband of local daughter. He deals with contracts in his job representing a major corporation so estate law wouldn't be over his head. The daughter overseas agreed to defer to him unless she is living stateside when the time comes.

The one aspect of end-of-life planning not yet faced is signing up for cremation and a burial plot for the urn with a brass plate, adjacent to those of other family members. Mom and her parents had this all arranged for themselves well in advance. We really need to complete this, we are nearing the decade of life where nearly half of our relatives didn't make it into the subsequent decade.

Dad had survived both Polio and Tuberculosis long ago, in each case returning to normal living after more than a year as an invalid. He had arranged for his body to be donated to UC-San Francisco School of Medicine for research. I got a call from them explaining we wouldn't get back any remains to bury, asking if this was acceptable to the family. No problem, that's what he wanted. I intend to put a brass plate naming him on the headstone of his parents, but haven't gotten around to it.

But the most troublesome problem left for our heirs is what Arley and others are facing now, tons of 'stuff' to dispose of. Maybe a quarter of it worth keeping as spares - bedding, tools, some furniture, etc, but all needing to be sorted piece by piece. I can't get wife to look at any of this. Daughters have helped some, for example going through the boxes that wife saved of their 'refrigerator art' (children's drawings) they created 30~40 years ago. But I catch hell if I make any decisions of this 'precious' stuff. I frequently warn wife we will die buried under sliding piles of worthless stuff if we don't slim down drastically.

 

[MossRoad]

I and wife recently completed Wills and POA paper work. California has separate Power of Attorney documents for health decisions and financial decisions. I was advised the health one needs to be re-declared from time to time because no health provider will make major decisions based on an outdated version.

Each of us delegated POA to the other, with younger daughter living an hour away as first alternate. Older daughter lives overseas. She is named second alternate because it is not certain that she could be contacted timely. In all cases responsibility rests on only one person, not shared.

For our Wills and Successor Trustee of the Trust we created for estate distribution, the same persons are named, surviving spouse > local daughter > overseas daughter > then husband of local daughter. He deals with contracts in his job representing a major corporation so estate law wouldn't be over his head. The daughter overseas agreed to defer to him unless she is living stateside when the time comes.

The one aspect of end-of-life planning not yet faced is signing up for cremation and a burial plot for the urn with a brass plate, adjacent to those of other family members. Mom and her parents had this all arranged for themselves well in advance. We really need to complete this, we are nearing the decade of life where nearly half of our relatives didn't make it into the subsequent decade.

Dad had survived both Polio and Tuberculosis long ago, in each case returning to normal living after more than a year as an invalid. He had arranged for his body to be donated to UC-San Francisco School of Medicine for research. I got a call from them explaining we wouldn't get back any remains to bury, asking if this was acceptable to the family. No problem, that's what he wanted. I intend to put a brass plate naming him on the headstone of his parents, but haven't gotten around to it.

But the most troublesome problem left for our heirs is what Arley and others are facing now, tons of 'stuff' to dispose of. Maybe a quarter of it worth keeping as spares - bedding, tools, some furniture, etc, but all needing to be sorted piece by piece. I can't get wife to look at any of this. Daughters have helped some, for example going through the boxes that wife saved of their 'refrigerator art' (children's drawings) they created 30~40 years ago. But I catch hell if I make any decisions of this 'precious' stuff. I frequently warn wife we will die buried under sliding piles of worthless stuff if we don't slim down drastically.

On the subject of burial plots.... when we buried my father in-law at their plot, I told my wife we should get a plot near them. There were plenty all around.

Well.... couple years go by, we didn't do it, now the 'neighborhood' is filling up! Both sides and behind and in front. Gotta get it settled soon or we'll be 100 yards down the road.

 

[MossRoad]

Another dilemma thought for eternal rest.... I like to sleep on my stomach with my arms crossed under my pillow. Not sure how that would go over at an open casket service.

So I think I'll just get cremated.

 

[California]

sleep on my stomach with my arms crossed under my pillow. Not sure how that would go over at an open casket service.

Depend on how well you are getting along with the survivors!

 

[mulitweed]

Folks. I've been in northern MN for a few weeks to move the spouses parents into assisted living. Her mom developed dementia and her dad has declined ability to care for her over the past year. Spouse had been in Ely for over a month now to help them move and now we're cleaning out the place which is quite the job since they bought the place in the early 1960s. Gee whiz this is a job, and we have a dumpster order. House is going up for sale etc, etc. This is why I've not been posting much.

still working on it , sister was around for awhile wouldnt let me throw anything , goin to get another dumpster i filled up 3 this summer , sucks but you cant save everything, got some items too drop off at good will , someone broke in and stole a bunch of good stuff

 

[Sigarms]

Another dilemma thought for eternal rest.... I like to sleep on my stomach with my arms crossed under my pillow. Not sure how that would go over at an open casket service.

So I think I'll just get cremated.

Given the option of an open casket vs a celebration of life event, I'd go celebration of life event.

 

[WinterDeere]

Given the option of an open casket vs a celebration of life event, I'd go celebration of life event.

I strongly suspect that, when the time comes, I'll have no preference or choice in the matter.

Do whatever makes the kids happy. If that means burying me in swim trunks and sailing gloves... whatever.