Anyone hire a caregiver for elderly parent?

[California]

I can relate to nearly all of the posts above after experiencing 25 years of the next older generation in my family ageing, declining, passing. I was primary person responsible for some and involved with some others.

I can add one comment I haven't seen here: Reverse mortgages are pushed at the elderly. Don't do it.

I investigated this for Mom when at 95 she asked me to take over managing her finances. She had had live-in caregivers, with varying success, for several years at that point but was transitioning from 'sharing her home' with a pre-nursing student for example who got room, board, and a few hundred $ per week, to the greater expense of semi-skilled, and then skilled, caregiver.

At 95 it was clear Mom wouldn't live forever. I found there are standard rates for a Reverse Mortagage, in this case they would subtract $13,000 at signing (added to the amount due at the end) then they charged a high interest rate even though their risk of loss was minimal. As I recall they also paid out a fixed minimum per month so the debt grew quickly, whether you needed it that month or not. Overall it looked to me after I examined it (MBA here, financial analysis was one skill learned) like the reverse mortgage industry in this state was a get rich quick scheme for the lenders and a terrible financial ripoff for the elderly and their heirs.

After asking around looking for alternatives my Credit Union suggested go to Bank of America and take out a Home Improvement Loan secured by Mom's home. This was a couple of years before the 2008 financial crisis and banks were trying to lend money to anyone, I guess they had that bailout already lobbied and guaranteed to them so they couldn't lose. We wheeled in Mom in her wheelchair and she signed the papers shakily, everybody was pleased. We could draw whatever we wanted against that loan at any time and the borrowed amount simply incurred 7% interest, much cheaper than financing anything on a credit card etc. When Mom eventually passed 3 years later we paid back .$40k out of the proceeds of selling her house as agreed in the loan documents, there was never a hassle.

This had allowed Mom to stay in her home until the end as we had promised her we would try to accomplish. The house was her only significant asset. We didn't have a problem spending her equity to provide what she needed to remain there.


Now on the other side - most difficult case I've been close to is BIL who is a disabled veteran, with some brain damage that makes him hard to get along with. His younger brother said that recently seven successive caregivers sent out by an agency never showed up or never returned after their first day.

 

[rox]

As stated earlier my brother moved my mom into a nursing home this week. And not only that he moved her into the memory care section so obviously there is not anyone competent my mom can talk/visit with. I am pushing my brother & 2 sisters to hire a companion for my mom for 4 hours to 6 hours a day. My mom was in a senior citizen apartment that I convinced my parents (when my dad was alive) to move into 6 years ago. I spent two months with them to make that move. Then a few months later I convinced my mother's cousin to move into the same building and I spent again another two months packing her up and moving her.

My mother's cousin came and sat with my mom from 1pm to 3pm every day to give her caregiver some time off, and then her cousin came back in the evening around 8 or 9pm and sat with my mom until she fell asleep. Every.Single.Day! So you can see what terrific care my mother was getting, my mom's cousin is very very very sharp although 4 years older than my mom, her cousin was with her every day also keeping an eye out for the caregiver, the full time caregiver and the supervising caregiver, and my brother moved her away from that. He said we need to move her into a VERY nice place NOW because when her money runs out you want them in a good place who keeps them when their money runs out and the nursing home then accepts medicaid. HOWEVER my mother's money was NOT going to run out for at least 6 more years at which point she would be 96 years old. I'm so sad and unhappy for my mother thinking what my brother took her away from.

See I always go stayed with my parents and then it was just my mom, I would go stay with them for 2 months every year, I know better than the rest of them what my mothers needs are and the care she was getting. My mom just takes a thyroid pill & a water pill * we have to keep an eye on her osteoporosis. She has some gastro/toilet issues but the caregivers had that 100% under control. She's not diabetic, she not on oxygen, her eyes are not bad for her age and she still has excellent hearing. Ok, she has some fleeting moment of dementia but it was by no means full blown. She knows who everyone is and can carry on a conversayion, but once in a while can't come up with the word she wants to say. She wasn't that bad that my brother had to move her NOW!

 

[California]

Another aspect to consider is the toll it takes on caregivers to be a companion. 'The caregiver always dies first' was something I heard from professional caregivers more than once. It was meant to describe not their role but rather how an elderly spouse or other close relative/friend will devote their life 100% to keeping the incapacitated person in as normal life as possible but at huge cost to this other person. Some families can't understand how the elderly person will change their will to give everything to the companion/child/whatever who gave up their own life, moved in with them, and stuck it out until the end. Then other family members think that person got more than their fair share of the estate, and families are torn apart. Those other family members can't comprehend how much that caregiver gave up in order to perform that role. Some things are beyond price.

We avoided that trap using career caregivers but got a little taste of it when settling more than one estate, where the person who had agreed to the elder to act as their as unpaid executor never got the help from others that had been expected. My advice is always take standard executor fees and let someone else have the job if they want it.

 

[Old Red]

Had my dad in a NIIICCCEEE place down in sunny Naples Florida at an assisted living facility. When Irma hit he didn't even know anything really happened. Their generators kicked in and life went on as normal. Very well taken care of. He had been down there for 2 years. My brother is there along with his teenage daughter. Dad came back and visited for 10 days and that was it. He cam home 5 days later. I have arranged 24/7 in home caregiver. Up here in rural Kentucky. He lost his license a few years back. Has a very hard time getting dressed and if he messes up his medicine, hold on because it is going to be a wild ride. I have a 5 year old sone and raising parents is 100 times harder than raising kids. My dad will NOT listen.

 

[2LaneCruzer]

Another aspect to consider is the toll it takes on caregivers to be a companion. 'The caregiver always dies first' was something I heard from professional caregivers more than once. It was meant to describe not their role but rather how an elderly spouse or other close relative/friend will devote their life 100% to keeping the incapacitated person in as normal life as possible but at huge cost to this other person. Some families can't understand how the elderly person will change their will to give everything to the companion/child/whatever who gave up their own life, moved in with them, and stuck it out until the end. Then other family members think that person got more than their fair share of the estate, and families are torn apart. Those other family members can't comprehend how much that caregiver gave up in order to perform that role. Some things are beyond price.

We avoided that trap using career caregivers but got a little taste of it when settling more than one estate, where the person who had agreed to the elder to act as their as unpaid executor never got the help from others that had been expected. My advice is always take standard executor fees and let someone else have the job if they want it.

I have heard that before, and seen it in action.


Long-Term Caregiving May Shorten Life Up to Eight Years | Lewy Body Dementia Association

 

[Complete Turf Care]

Over the past 3 years, we have struggled with decisions for my parents. Mom fell and broke her hip and shoulder about 2.5 years ago and she is no longer able to do everything for herself. She is 86 and dad is 84.

We tried having caregivers in their home, but there were always problems with them. They didn't show up, or they didn't do their job. Some were good. The private sitters cost about $12 per hour and the sitters from the certified agency were about $20 per hour. This was costing them about $11,000 per month and was not working out.

After about 6 months, an apartment became available at an assisted living facility and we moved them there. This was such a relief on me and my siblings. The facility now makes sure they take meds properly, and someone is there all the time in case anything happens. They have a full time nurse on staff. And the best thing is that they have a small fish pond in the front yard, and dad can go fishing every day. This facility cost them about $5000 per month. All meals are included.

Now, we have sold their house, so they no longer have to pay any expenses for the house, such as insurance, utilities, lawn care, etc.

One of the best decisions my dad ever made in his life was to buy long term care insurance. His insurance now pays about $4800 per month. So, they are paying about $200 per month out of pocket compared to about $8000 for 'in home' sitters and home expenses before.

 

[rox]

Over the past 3 years, we have struggled with decisions for my parents. Mom fell and broke her hip and shoulder about 2.5 years ago and she is no longer able to do everything for herself. She is 86 and dad is 84.

We tried having caregivers in their home, but there were always problems with them. They didn't show up, or they didn't do their job. Some were good. The private sitters cost about $12 per hour and the sitters from the certified agency were about $20 per hour. This was costing them about $11,000 per month and was not working out.

After about 6 months, an apartment became available at an assisted living facility and we moved them there. This was such a relief on me and my siblings. The facility now makes sure they take meds properly, and someone is there all the time in case anything happens. They have a full time nurse on staff. And the best thing is that they have a small fish pond in the front yard, and dad can go fishing every day. This facility cost them about $5000 per month. All meals are included.

Now, we have sold their house, so they no longer have to pay any expenses for the house, such as insurance, utilities, lawn care, etc.

One of the best decisions my dad ever made in his life was to buy long term care insurance. His insurance now pays about $4800 per month. So, they are paying about $200 per month out of pocket compared to about $8000 for 'in home' sitters and home expenses before.

Do you know the name of the insurance company your dad bought from? I'm so happy for you that your parents are doing well.

 

[Complete Turf Care]

Do you know the name of the insurance company your dad bought from? I'm so happy for you that your parents are doing well.

John Hancock insurance

 

[MinnesotaEric]

Has anyone directly contracted an individual to act as a caregiver for an elderly parent?

We've been using a local agency for the past few years, but we've had somewhat spotty quality of caregivers and service. We've found someone that comes highly recommended that's been a caregiver for others in the past and we'd like to start using her. Other than the acquaintances that have used her for years and recommended her, I don't know much else. I'm just planning to have her submit an invoice each week and pay her with a check.

Has anyone else been down this path? Send me a PM if you'd rather it not be discussed openly.

I just developed the skillset after following through with a promise that if anybody ever needed to treat my parents like I saw a live-in nurse treating a beloved elderly neighbor, it would be me.

For what it is worth, what i witnessed was a live-in care-giver becomes the old person's "best friend." Gaining confidence, the old person then writes the care-giver in the the will even though the care-giver is making RN money. You see where I'm going with this, right? Be careful.

 

[sixdogs]

Our family has been through this a few times- both with family members and as the trustee. The worst ended with a criminal conviction for theft- we were trustees. It was one of the first cases in our state that was taken on and won where the individual worked themselves onto the bank accounts and took money. Hard to prove the elderly person wasn't able to make decisions for themselves when they signed everything over which is why it was a great victory!
Another lady we hired for a family member fell asleep driving home from her night job and died.
Anyway enough of my drama-
Without the company serving as the umbrella you won't have the insurance and other protections a typical company would provide. If you are paying them directly, you should 1099 them as an independent contractor for tax reasons. If they are injured while caring for your loved one I don't believe your homeowners would cover that-check! This is more common than you think as lifting humans or catching a fall is hard to do and can lead to injury. Are they licensed? Do they understand the medications and the paperwork/family wishes- DNR, living will etc. Do they know basic first aid?
Bottom line is hiring someone who just wants some "under the table" money shifts a lot of liability back on you and the loved one. With that, hopefully the individual has training and insurance.
Obviously the "fit" with you and your loved one is key. If you like them and your loved one likes them I'd say hire them. As you are finding out it's tough to find good help! If you want basic protection from my above concerns have yourself and the individual work through an employment agency. They will provide the needed liability and work comp insurance and cover you and the employee for tax purposes. My wife does this for all of her employees (unrelated business)- it costs her a few bucks extra but avoids so much hassle she has found it to be worth it.

This is the right advice.