Anyone hire a caregiver for elderly parent?

[ultrarunner]

So many things and a few comments... I'm heading down this road with Mom... she does well in her home but I am her only caregiver... memory is her issue and thankfully 48 years in the same home with the same neighbors has been a godsend... plus a few of her church friends that never lose patients with her.

It is taking a toll on me and I am not complaining... only noticing a fact.

My brother is taking her next year to visit her brothers and sisters... she is so looking forward to it but calls me at work asking me to pick up things for her trip and asking the neighbors to take her to the passport office... the trip is next June and her passport and ticket are all in order... so many times she has everything all laid out like she is leaving in the next day...

Several of my friends in similar situations have care givers and they learned one very valuable lesson... if you go private... have several with set schedules... so no one caregiver is there 5 days straight or longer... she now has two... one works Monday-Wednesday and the other Thursday-Saturday... no more burn out for anyone...

Others have lost many valuables... so this is a concern in all cases...

The 102 neighbor lady that lived across the street for 60 years had to get a care giver after she fell... the person was there 5 days a week for 8 hours per day through and agency... the cost was 5k per month... things cost more here... with minimum wage $15 plus employment costs added... $250 per day for companion, light housekeeping, bathing, dressing and preparing meals...

 

[fried1765]

All I can tell you is, Dad and me took care of mom until she passed and then my brother and me took care of dad until he passed!

When I was a baby THEY took care of me so why wouldn't "I" take care of them when they needed PROPER care the most??

I bought my house/property from my parents and always told them they could live here as long as they wanted and that's exactly what happened, NO being put in a home for them!

I don't even understand family not taking care of family!! And yeaaa, it's a lot of work and takes up a lot of your time and yeaaa, I know folks have a thousand excuses why THEY can't do it!!

Key word "excuses"!!

SR

As I read this, I note that I will be 77 in just a very few days.
I can only hope that my 3 children will treat me in such a caring and respectful way.
You and your brother are FIRST CLASS people in a FIRST CLASS family!

 

[mark02tj]

UltraRunner - Hopefully you're not feeling any guilt about things "taking a toll on you". It's hard not to though. Your mom is lucky that she's got a son like you. I know you spend a LOT of time with her and for her... the thread about her stolen car comes to mind. It is tough dealing with parents as their memory goes.

With regards to things like her upcoming trip, I'd suggest not bringing it up any more, if you can do that. I don't tell my folks when my siblings are coming into town until a day or two before it happens. That saves me all of the "when is your sister due in here?" questions for a couple of months. Her packing is also understandable. Sweetie's mom used to pack her suitcase all the time so she could "head to the train station".

If Mom still has jewelry that she likes to wear, but you're afraid might be a tempting target for the caregivers, you might want to consider having a jeweler make some cheap copies and you hold on to the real ones. Mom won't know the difference and if it gets stolen it's not a big deal. Even the "most trustworthy" people in your home can steal from you. The housekeeper for a guy that I know stole many thousands of dollars worth of family heirloom jewelry from his wife. The wife's grandfather was a jeweler back in the 20's-40's. He left her a bunch of nice stuff that she kept stashed away. She didn't even know any of it was missing until she got into her jewelry boxes to give a couple of things to her granddaughters. They were able to recover some of the pieces at pawn shops and the housekeeper is now doing time. Anyway, it does happen so best to remove temptation if possible.

Hang in there. I'd like to say that it gets easier, but unfortunately is doesn't. Hopefully your siblings are there to relieve you from time to time.

 

[ultrarunner]

Yes... I foresaw a problem when my brother invited Mom to go with them because Mom is more in the moment now....

I can tell her I will bring dinner at 5 and she will be thinking about it from the time I mention it.

The children of her best friend from before I was born called and dropped in for a visit... Mom asked them about every other sentence if she could get anything for them... they are in their 50's... I could tell at first it was sweet but I think they cut their visit short.

When I hear of all those where parents become mean and even physical... I count my lucky stars.... Mom just wants to do for others and being on time has always been very important to her... but thinking the concept of next June is too difficult to grasp... but she knows she is going and has told all her neighbors many times...

Not much on the sibling front... they are totally wrapped up with kids and work... I have keys to the farm and welcome anytime... just show up and make yourself at home... no calling, no nothing and always set another plate if around meal time... it is automatic... but it has been years since that grandson and grand daughter and daughter-in-law have stopped by for a visit... not quite the same on the other side but maybe every other month will drop by and sometimes with the girls... so it is very much on me.

I have thought how will it be when they are 20 days together traveling...

 

[mark02tj]

I'm guessing the trip is to Austria since you mentioned passports. I wouldn't be surprised if they cut the trip short if they're not used to dealing with your mom for long periods of time. One of two things will happen when they get back. Either they will realize all that you do and they'll start trying to help you take care of Mom more... or they'll avoid coming around and will help less than they're doing now. I hope it's the first option!

Do you think Mom will be OK on that long plane ride? That's a LONG time to be confined in an unfamiliar area, surrounded by unfamiliar people, being cared for by people who may not used to be caring for her.

I'm not trying to bring you down with what probably sounds negative. But as dementia progresses routine and familiarity becomes more important. 20 days away from her routine and familiar surroundings is a long time.

Again, apologies for what might seem like negativity. I don't know your mom and she might do just great!!

 

[ultrarunner]

Physically she is in very good shape... still makes several 30 minute daily walks around the neighborhood up and down the steep hills and just about everyone knows her... at 75 she was still running marathons... which makes the memory loss so unfair... you are right 50 years in the same neighborhood walking the same paths is very different than the toll of a journey... at least the flight is direct and non-stop... a little under 11 hours.

My concern is 9 months is a long way off and they have not been together without me for more than an hour or two for a long time...

The Holidays are fast approaching... so it will be a good chance for everyone to be together.

Her memories are very vivid of home... but waking up in a strange place with jet lag can be confusing for many and it took about 10 days to get grounded last time.

She loves going to Washington and it is a 12 hour drive... have asked her about it and her reply is she likes getting out and is just along for the ride... so no responsibilities. The last trip she did tell people how much she loved living there... but she has never lived there and Dad passed away several years before I bought the property... but her memories are vivid.

To say I am not concerned would be an understatement...

One of my co-workers just returned from the Philippines... she had not been back in 20 years... but the jet lag really threw her... she went with her sister and her husband stayed home and he said she had a real rough first night home... total confusion and she a very sharp Hospital Scheduler...

 

[cqaigy2]

And the look on that caregivers face, when they find out that you are actually the owner of the property and home and that you moved your parents onto your place to better care for them, just before you fire them. We only ran into that one time, and had three care givers come in for part time. Two of them were wonderful people.

 

[k0ua]

One of the best decisions my dad ever made in his life was to buy long term care insurance.

OH, yeah? Tell that to the people I have tried to sell LTC insurance to. I have never sold an LTC policy. The people all say "It just costs too much". Well by the time most people are thinking about buying an LTC policy, yeah it is pretty expensive. You need to buy your LTC policy in your twenty's. Then the monthly premium is very affordable. But no one in their twenties wants to think about getting old and feeble. But we all will if we live long enough. The fortunate among us just "pop off" while we seem to be in good health. But unfortunately many of us "linger" for a long long time.

We take care of my wife's mom who has dementia. Yes it is has been an ongoing learning process for me. I had no idea how insidious and horrible this disease really is. It is truly a worse fate than death.

 

[cqaigy2]

OH, yeah? Tell that to the people I have tried to sell LTC insurance to. I have never sold an LTC policy. The people all say "It just costs too much". Well by the time most people are thinking about buying an LTC policy, yeah it is pretty expensive. You need to buy your LTC policy in your twenty's. Then the monthly premium is very affordable. But no one in their twenties wants to think about getting old and feeble. But we all will if we live long enough. The fortunate among us just "pop off" while we seem to be in good health. But unfortunately many of us "linger" for a long long time.

We take care of my wife's mom who has dementia. Yes it is has been an ongoing learning process for me. I had no idea how insidious and horrible this disease really is. It is truly a worse fate than death.

My wife and i have LTC policy thru Thrivent, as my parents had it so we saw first hand what it was.

Sorry you are having the experience of dementia. That is a tough row to hoe!