Buried a good friend of mine today:

[Brushhill dave]

My question is how do you decide where you bury the body?? We grew up together and like alot from our generation moved across the country (3300 miles) to make a better life for ourselves. He was married to a great girl in the west but his family is for the most part on the east coast. I faced with this same question myself now that death has found my circle, and am left wondering what to do?? Any suggestions will be welcomed

 

[toy]

My question is how do you decide where you bury the body?? We grew up together and like alot from our generation moved across the country (3300 miles) to make a better life for ourselves. He was married to a great girl in the west but his family is for the most part on the east coast. I faced with this same question myself now that death has found my circle, and am left wondering what to do?? Any suggestions will be welcomed

Sorry to hear of your loss, it does hit hard when it is friends that you grew up with. I lost two friends last week, one was my first cousin and the other one I went to school with and we rode motor cycles together when we were younger, they both were buried in the area where they made their life as an adult and raised their families.

We have a family cemetery near where I live and that is probably where I will be placed. You have to decide if you want to be taken back to where you grew up or do you want to be buried where you lived your life as an adult. After you make that decision then , at least in this area, you would decide if you want to be buried in a public or family cemetery or if you want to be buried in a commercial cemetery. If you intend to be buried in a commercial cemetery then you need to purchase a plot there, and possibly purchase an opening and a closing. My mother has asked me to take her to make a prearranged and prepaid funeral at the funeral home where she wants to be taken, she said she don't want to put a burden on her children when she passes, it is going to be a hard day for me and her also I guess but I appreciate her for planing ahead. In our area a typical funeral can cost about $9 or $10 thousand. To be cremated is cheaper of course but that is not the rout that a lot want to go. A school friend of mine was killed a couple years ago and he didn't have any family, the state cremated him. If you already know which funeral home you want to take care of you then it might be better to go talk to them and they can give you the advise or make suggestions that might help you. I hope this might help you some, take care and God bless.

 

[TripleR]

I sure wish I knew the answer to that and really encourage everyone to give that serious consideration now no matter your age. I almost died a few times with the first at the age of 21.

My family knows my wishes, but I put it in writing with a copy for my wife and kids; no visitation or funeral service with cremation and I don't care what they do with the ashes. I refuse to have thousands of dollars on casket and the other related expenses.

My dad made his wishes known and my 89 year old mother has hers arranged and paid for.

 

[forgeblast]

I am going to be cremated and planted under a tree on our property some where, i have it written out for my family.
My grandmother who was 92, had everything planned out from the obit, to clothes to who gets what. I can honestly say it made a difficult time easier. I want to do the same.

 

[creekbend]

Sincere condolences in regards to the passing away of your Friend. My Father bought cemetery plots for the entire Family when I was young. My Grandparents, Mother, a Brother, Aunts and Uncles are buried there already.

 

[bp fick]

This is very personal and family oriented.

Our kids always liked to stop by the ancestral cemetery every few years. They took some sense of connectedness and identity in their roots by seeing the generations represented there. I don't know.

I only know I wish I could stop by my dad's grave from time to time. Cannot do it since my mother interned his remains down in Florida. That was her choice, but it doesn't do anything for the kids, grandkids or great grandkids, almost all of who have mentioned they wish he was somewhere within the state where they could just go "visit", whatever personal meaning that has to each of them.

It's different for different people and different family traditions. I guess I'm saying it wouldn't about me, cause I'll be done and won't care, but I think the grandkids will care. Need to do something about it, one of these days.

 

[jmurray01]

I'm sorry to hear of your loss Dave.

I don't plan on leaving the area I was brought up in, but if I did, I think I'd still want to be burried "at home".

Everybody is different though.

 

[dmccarty]

It is a tough decision.

One set of my grandparents bought plots in a place in central Florida. The plots are likely worth a lot of money today. My grandmother is still alive but my grandfather died and is in AL. Nobody in the family is in central FLA to visit the plots if they were buried there.

My other grandfather is in IN and it is doubtful I or the grandkids will ever see his grave.

My other grandmother is buried in a family plot in GA. We have stopped by the grave to visit.

The wifey's side of the family has a large family plot. Given that they are living in the same area of NC it is easier to visit the plot.

Buying a plot today does not mean your family will even be in the area when one is buried. Unless it is a family plot and the family stays in the area, in a few generations nobody will be visiting.

One of the neatest/oddist thing I have seen was a family grave yard in the middle of now where. I was on a canoe trip in eastern NC. We had permission to camp on some private land so we stopped for the night. There was a dirt road on the land but the road was supposed to be gated.

It happened to be a night with a full moon which rose early in the evening. A couple went wondering down the road and found a family plot that was off the road. A group of us went back to see the graveyard. Under a full moon. A midnight.

It was obvious that the family once had money. The grave yard was surrounded by a wall and a metal gate. The largest monument was from the oldest couple. They were young adults in the Civil War. As their kids and grandkids died off as the generations passed, the monuments got smaller and cheaper. The last people buried had metal markers that I think were used for paupers.

I would guess that our little group was the most people that had visited that grave yard in decades....

I have seen little family plots in the Appalachian mountains that last had a burial in the 20's, 30's or maybe the 40's. The plots where off the side of roads that are now blocked off. Almost certainly nobody visits anymore.

I do not know the answer because circumstances are so varied and can easily change.

Later,
Dan

 

[TripleR]

It is a tough decision.

One set of my grandparents bought plots in a place in central Florida. The plots are likely worth a lot of money today. My grandmother is still alive but my grandfather died and is in AL. Nobody in the family is in central FLA to visit the plots if they were buried there.

My other grandfather is in IN and it is doubtful I or the grandkids will ever see his grave.

My other grandmother is buried in a family plot in GA. We have stopped by the grave to visit.

The wifey's side of the family has a large family plot. Given that they are living in the same area of NC it is easier to visit the plot.

Buying a plot today does not mean your family will even be in the area when one is buried. Unless it is a family plot and the family stays in the area, in a few generations nobody will be visiting.

One of the neatest/oddist thing I have seen was a family grave yard in the middle of now where. I was on a canoe trip in eastern NC. We had permission to camp on some private land so we stopped for the night. There was a dirt road on the land but the road was supposed to be gated.

It happened to be a night with a full moon which rose early in the evening. A couple went wondering down the road and found a family plot that was off the road. A group of us went back to see the graveyard. Under a full moon. A midnight.

It was obvious that the family once had money. The grave yard was surrounded by a wall and a metal gate. The largest monument was from the oldest couple. They were young adults in the Civil War. As their kids and grandkids died off as the generations passed, the monuments got smaller and cheaper. The last people buried had metal markers that I think were used for paupers.

I would guess that our little group was the most people that had visited that grave yard in decades....

I have seen little family plots in the Appalachian mountains that last had a burial in the 20's, 30's or maybe the 40's. The plots where off the side of roads that are now blocked off. Almost certainly nobody visits anymore.

I do not know the answer because circumstances are so varied and can easily change.

Later,
Dan

Yes it is a difficult decision and I neglected to convey my condolences to Brushhill dave for which I apologize, we just all look at it differently.

We have a farm with an old family cemetery of about twenty or so graves. We don't know the family and no ones visits it. There are several such overgrown cemeteries close to where I live and I have run across many while trail riding. South of me in New Madrid County cemeteries are located in the middle of actively farmed fields with the original owners long forgotten.

 

[whiskywizard]

This is very personal and family oriented.

Our kids always liked to stop by the ancestral cemetery every few years. They took some sense of connectedness and identity in their roots by seeing the generations represented there. I don't know.

I only know I wish I could stop by my dad's grave from time to time. Cannot do it since my mother interned his remains down in Florida. That was her choice, but it doesn't do anything for the kids, grandkids or great grandkids, almost all of who have mentioned they wish he was somewhere within the state where they could just go "visit", whatever personal meaning that has to each of them.

It's different for different people and different family traditions. I guess I'm saying it wouldn't about me, cause I'll be done and won't care, but I think the grandkids will care. Need to do something about it, one of these days.

First, let me extend sympathies to Brushill Dave...

Having your father interred far away raises an important point. Funerals, services, caskets, prayers, headstones, wakes, etc are all for the living, not the dead. These things help bring closure, allowing those still alive to say their goodbyes and move ahead.

Whatever choice the OP makes, it needs to be in the interests of those still living.

 

[DAY]

To each his own custom.

I view my body as merely a temporary container, with "me" inside. Like a house or a car. And when I am finished with it, part me out- there are lots of needy folks on the waiting lists.

If you want to be remembered after you are dead, then do something memorable while you are still alive.

 

[Brushhill dave]

Thanks everybody, his passing is a
Blessing, his body was consumed with cancer. At 35 years of age it is tough to believe that I have to start thinking about this kind of thing! But it is a reality. I want to state that the reason for this post is to pick your brains, not to garner sympathy but all is appreciated

 

[TripleR]

Thanks everybody, his passing is a
Blessing, his body was consumed with cancer. At 35 years of age it is tough to believe that I have to start thinking about this kind of thing! But it is a reality. I want to state that the reason for this post is to pick your brains, not to garner sympathy but all is appreciated

Understood, I lost my older brother to cancer when he was only twenty years old. I really didn't start thinking about this sort of thing too much until I was about thirty-three and nothing I can remember triggered it.

Whatever or however you feel about all this at your age may very well change, but it is certainly worth thinking about, just don't let it get to you too much long term.

I know at my age it is a lot easier to give advice on this and that it may seem pretty darned irrelevant to many.

 

[MossRoad]

If I had a friend to bury, and did not know his wishes, and did not have any of his family to consult with, and did not know his religious needs, I would cremate him and do the same as I would do for myself. If he is truly a friend, he would appreciate the gesture.

I have told my wife and kids to put me in a nice warm sweatshirt, loose fitting jeans and some nice thick socks for the viewing. I won't need my glasses. Then have me cremated and dump my ashes into the creek on our property. That flows to the Kankakee, the Illinois, the Mississippi and the Gulf. Then I get a free world tour in all of the oceans. When it rains, have a nice thought about me and enjoy your life. I already enjoyed mine. The rest is gravy.:thumbsup:

 

[chucko]

I have told my wife I don't care where she plants me at and she should spend as little on it as possible on the other hand she has told me where hows and even how she wants to be dressed no matter how much it cost.

 

[ksshooter]

My condolences on your loss Dave! Yeah, 35 is pretty early to be thinking about this stuff. But the subject is very fitting and got me thinking which is difficult but good.
I grew up and graduated High School in the borough of Queens in New York City. But I have 40 plus years in Eastern Kansas. I believe this is where my life is and where I will be buried or cremated. The last 11 years on my own little 40 acres have been great. But this is not a family farm and there is no family plot so you do have me thinking. I am believing that ashes may be the best way to go. Although if I had my millions I would just pay off the place and start a family plot with funding to care for it. I read some very interesting stories in this thread. I like the way you think MossRoad. Dave, glad you posted the question and again; sorry for your loss.

 

[dmccarty]

If you believe the stories, and I do believe them, people have been dumping ashes of loved ones at Disney World. Of course Disney frowns at this activity. It might be illegal in FLA.

I have lived in quite a few places. None of them are "home" anymore since they are no longer in the family. The family has always been somewhat dispersed and today it is even more so. Houses I have lived in are no longer in the family and I am the only one in the family that has more than a small lot with a house.

I realized from a young age that there was no physical "home." Instead "home" was where you found it.

One of the strange "homes" I have is Disney World. :laughing: My mom and I went there right after it opened and we went back at least once or twice a year until I was in my late teens. Now we take our kids. Wandering around Magic Kingdom, even though some of it has changed, and some of it is about to really change, is like going back home. I can remember being there as a kid doing this and that. I cannot go back to our apartment in Atlanta or the house in FLA, LA or KY but I can go back to ride Space Mountain! :laughing:

I hope I live at least three or four more decades on our place. But I know life changes things and we might not be able to hold onto our land. Even if we do, will the kids keep the place? Life is going to take them here and there. They might not be able to afford to pay the taxes. Their life might take them elsewhere. It is almost certain to happen.

If they cremate me and toss me on the rocks to the south west of the house that is great. But will they be able to visit the rocks when they have kids or grand kids?

I really wish they could drop my ashes at Disney. They WILL visit Disney. Heck, Disney has taken a bunch of my money at least they could take my ashes. :laughing: As much land as Disney has in FLA they really need to have a place for ashes. Think how much money they can make!

Later,
Dan