Death & dealing with her son

[Richard]

No condolences needed to me, as my emotional attachment here isn't as high as it could have been.

My wifes father has had a girlfriend for say... 15 years now. Ever since his wife passed away. She moved in with him about 13 years ago (technically uninvited but I don't think he cared TOO much!!)

Over the 13 years, she has looked out for him, cooked for him and so on. MANY of her belongings have osmosed to his house over the years. She has kept her house in working order, about an hour away.

Last summer she developed clots in her lungs and that was the beginning of her downward spiral.

Several months ago, Walt FINALLY told her he (in his mid 80's and tons of health issues) can't look after her (in her mid 70's and otherwise, in prior great health).

She got antsy about that & moved back to HER house. She's been on oxygen since last summer.

Over the weeks of her moving home, she asked him to bring her, her clothes & belongings. He did take her most of (if not all) her clothes, however, he simply can NOT take her a treadmill she had at his house.

He mentioned the treadmill and perhaps other items to her son who lives in between the two houses.

She didn't want to put her son out to come get these things and she suggested that possibly I be the one to deliver them to her (of course, I don't have any truck or trailer either, just like her son)

Her son never did come out to get anything. He simply ignored the reality and "we" weren't going to go rent a truck or something to deliver said items to her.

To be clear... there are no anamosities here, other than a large disdain to her son who has never lifted a finger to dig in and help out. He's much too busy (at 55 ?) to go to swim competitions in the AARP class so he can beat up on other guys who are 70 years old it seems.

Ok... I know this is long winded but I think some of the history is needed.


She passed last night. her treadmill is STILL at Walt's house. Her son(s) have NEVER made any comment, effort or the like, to retrieve it nor any other of her belongings.

Now that she's gone, I think it's even LESS likely they'll put any effort into it.

One of them (the local son) happens to be an attorney.

The wife, sister in law & Walt have chatted about these things and how they are going to "tell" the son he needs to do such & such...

Realizing he's shown ZERO interest & effort to date, to do ANYTHING our way to help his mother, I'm not so sure words are the way to deal with him.

I've told them they need to move all her things into the garage and that I'd help. List it all and then send him a certified letter, telling him he's got "X" days to get it all or we'll dispose of it however we see fit.

Seeing as he's an attorney and as I recall once, has laughingly said "it's my JOB to piss people off" (or some derivation of that) I don't want to get into a situaton of "he said, she said" with him.

He's a fairly arrogant idiot, shown little regard for his mother (as far as we saw her in OUR world...which, since she LIVED here, was actually quite a bit).

I want to somehow make this clean and give him ONE chance to deal with it and if he fails to deal with it, then his door of recourse, will be closed.

Any suggestions, or is my "move to garage, make list, send certified with receipt letter" sufficient???

Thanks for any thoughts and for reading the small novel.

 

[Bird]

Richard, I think your best bet would be to tell an attorney (not related to, or associated with, her son) what you just told us and get his opinion. Laws may vary in different states.

Now that said, and for a purely uneducated personal opinion, I think it would be a good idea to do exactly as you suggested.

 

[AlanB]

I guess I would just call and ask if he wanted to come get the stuff, or if he would just like us to donate it to goodwill. I doubt he wants too fool with that stuff. Most places goodwill or similar organisations will come by and pick it up.

 

[scott_vt]

Richard, I think your best bet would be to tell an attorney (not related to, or associated with, her son) what you just told us and get his opinion. Laws may vary in different states.

Now that said, and for a purely uneducated personal opinion, I think it would be a good idea to do exactly as you suggested.

Afternoon Richard,
I have to agree with Bird. Speak to an independent attorney in your area familiar with the local laws and go from there ! Armed with that info you will be better prepared to make an educated decision that wont backfire on you !

Good Luck !

 

[EddieWalker]

Is it really allot of stuff? In the light of her passing and you'd just as soon not deal with them anymore, I'd rent or borrow a truck/trailer and just bring it back to her. It will take you half a day and you'd be done wtih it. Forever.

Messing around, moving it from one place to another, sending letters, talking to lawyers and all that is more effort and stress then just getting it done.

Eddie

 

[Richard]

I've got a friend who's an attorney (not estate however)

He said my idea of collect/list/letter would be a good idea.

The idea has further evolved inside my head... the wake is this Saturday and funeral Sunday.

I think I'll suggest father in law or perhaps myself take that as an opportunity to express our sorrows... & let them know we have a couple things. It's not many in quantity however, I don't know if the items would have any sentimental value to the boys. The treadmill is probably the most expensive item and I'd guess it's worth several hundred??? (clueless)

Anyway, what I think I'll suggest we do is grab one/both of them and say we have this stuff and would be happy to hold it for them...and can they perhaps make arraingements to pick it up within 30 days.

After 30 days when they (as I suspect) ignore it, THEN I can send the 'reminder letter' and give them another 30 days. The letter will tell them 30 more days then off to Goodwill it goes (or trash heap, depending on what it is)

This way we can be the 'nice guy' looking out for their best interests, yet keep the wheels turning and hopefully, the fire lit under their feet to deal with this.

 

[IslandTractor]

Is it really allot of stuff? In the light of her passing and you'd just as soon not deal with them anymore, I'd rent or borrow a truck/trailer and just bring it back to her. It will take you half a day and you'd be done wtih it. Forever.

Messing around, moving it from one place to another, sending letters, talking to lawyers and all that is more effort and stress then just getting it done.

Eddie

I want Eddie as my lawyer. Very reasonable advice. Forget the litiginous route and just be a good neighbor. After all, even if her son is a jerk, she was certainly nice to your FIL for many years.

 

[rox]

Richard,

probably others wil disagee but I feel 'funny' reading about your idea to approach the family at the wake/funeral about her belongings. I'm jsut not thinking that it is the "right" setting. it may offer a convenient opportunity for you, but it jsut doesn't seem right to me. You asked for advice so I am not writing this to criticize, not by any means, jsut to give you a different opinion.

 

[Richard]

Rox, I actually appreciate that and think you might be right. I hadn't really thought of that angle as MOST of the family thoughts for the last several months have been how to get them to get this stuff.

Not to sound like a sphincter but since her house is an hour away and I don't have any truck, I'm clearly NOT inclined to go rent something and take care of this. Heck... I can't even LIFT the silly thing to get it to the truck. Regardless of what happens..this will be a couple person job. I don't mind helping them & being that second person but I DO clearly view it as their situation to deal with.

Rox...thank you. I'm taking your thoughts to heart and will not bring it up for at least a time frame after this is all over.

 

[ByronBob]

Rox, I actually appreciate that and think you might be right. I hadn't really thought of that angle as MOST of the family thoughts for the last several months have been how to get them to get this stuff.

Not to sound like a sphincter but since her house is an hour away and I don't have any truck, I'm clearly NOT inclined to go rent something and take care of this. Heck... I can't even LIFT the silly thing to get it to the truck. Regardless of what happens..this will be a couple person job. I don't mind helping them & being that second person but I DO clearly view it as their situation to deal with.

Rox...thank you. I'm taking your thoughts to heart and will not bring it up for at least a time frame after this is all over.

Richard your very clear on your feelings but I've learned a few times in the past that sucking it up and just getting it done sometimes gets things over faster than other methods.

So I'm with Eddie that renting a truck, loading such items and dropping them off a few weeks after the funeral might be less painful than all the other idea's which just drag all of this out for you and everyone else.

But again you've been very clear and such but your story seems to just bring back memories of my situation. I just wished I'd did all the BS earlier vs all the lost sleep, phone calls and such. You might want to think about that rental truck.

 

[George2615]

I say its not your responsibility nor should you incur any expense to yourself to move her property. Your letter approach seems to be the way to go. Give them a set time(say 30 days) by which the items must be removed. Judge Judy on TV usually only gives 5 days for people to pick up belongings at the others house. If they don't come by then to pick things up you should consider the items abandoned property and be free to dispose or sell.

 

[MossRoad]

I guess I would just call and ask if he wanted to come get the stuff, or if he would just like us to donate it to goodwill. I doubt he wants too fool with that stuff. Most places goodwill or similar organisations will come by and pick it up.

That's the best thing. Good suggestion.

 

[rox]

I guess I would just call and ask if he wanted to come get the stuff, or if he would just like us to donate it to goodwill. I doubt he wants too fool with that stuff. Most places goodwill or similar organisations will come by and pick it up.

I'm with AlanB on this one also, exept I would probably wait about 2 weeks then send a sympathy card, with a hand written note inside, "sorry for your loss, I came to know your mtoher well and will miss her etc. etc." then simply say "You probably are not aware that your mom's excercize machine is at my dad's house, it's quite large you will probably need a trailor. If this is not somehting you wish to keep jsut let me know and we will donate it to Goodwill" Don't want to trouble you at all jsut want you to know about the excercize equipment"

Don't put a time line on your request at all. Then after 30 days donate it to Goodwill and get a receipt. If they ever come looking for it you have the receipt, they ahd ther chance and never called. They ahve a lot, lot more improtant things to handle with her passing than this exercize equipment. The family member will read the sympathy card, they will read all fo them, there is no need for a certified receipt. We all know when we had a chance and blew our chances. If after a month after sending the card they will simply think, we blew our chance. If they really want it they will call right away, it's either going to be right away a phone call (don't forget to include your phone number on the card) or they are abondoning it.

 

[jinman]

I agree with AlanB and MossRoad on this one, but I think I'd take it one more step and not provide them with any inventory of the stuff she left there. One son already knows about the treadmill, why should you have to keep reminding him of property he could have by just showing up with a truck? If there was any inventory to be done, I'd just do it to keep up with the stuff I gave to goodwill. They will give you a receipt for the big stuff anyhow.

I would be tempted to wait 30-60 days. If nobody claimed ownership, then I'd donate the stuff and make sure I had a record that it was given away. You want to make sure you don't gain from its disposal.

This, of course, is the advice of a "TBN lawyer." So take it for what it's worth.

 

[Sigarms]

Not to get off the subject, but how did the treadmill end up at your FIL's house in the first place?

As mentioned before, take one day, go out of your way to be sincere and nice, and bite the bullet, move everything out, and be done with it forever.

Then again, you may need to 86 the lawyer son who could be a pain in your butt forever

 

[Richard]

Not to get off the subject, but how did the treadmill end up at your FIL's house in the first place?

As mentioned before, take one day, go out of your way to be sincere and nice, and bite the bullet, move everything out, and be done with it forever.

Then again, you may need to 86 the lawyer son who could be a pain in your butt forever

She was buried yesterday and here's an update. First, to answer Sig's question, they have been living together for about 15 years. During that 15 years she not only kept HER house "running" as they'd stay there on an infrequent basis...but most of her life operation was done out of his house. When she had some health issues a couple years ago, she bought the treadmill and had it at her 'primary' residence (his house) so she'd be able to have easy access to it. Her house is probably a solid hour away and since they mostly hung out in our area, her things simply collected here.

Now, to the funeral. Although I was not part of the conversation, I DID happen to hear a couple snippets between FIL and son.

FIL: "well... I do have some of her things still at my house and in her closet"...blah blah...

Son: blah...blah... I'll get a truck and get there to pick her things up

FIL: blah...blah... There's no rush...after all, it's been there for YEARS (his emphasis)...blah... blah...

Son: (laughing) So a couple more weeks won't hurt anything...


It was at this point that I continued walking past them and didn't hear any more of the talk. I WAS glad to see it was brought up and his comments.

Just to give you an idea of what an idiot I think this son is... we've been out to lunch/dinner SEVERAL times as a group (my FIL/Virginia, my wife, Virginia's son and his wife) They hardly spoke to us at all, directing their conversation to Virginia only. Also... he called FIL's house once and Virginia wasn't there. Seems FIL was napping at 5:30 or sometime around dinner. He was a bit groggy and the son asked if he was sleeping. His answer was yes he was (as if it's anyones business?). The son asked "do you have a clock" FIL a bit groggy... "why....uh... yes??" and the son said "well go LOOK at it" and he then commenced to hang up on FIL. Seems he (son) was rather put out that FIL was taking a nap and ever since that specific day, the son was never welcomed out to FIL's house and FIL never went over to visit with Virginia at her son's house. My FIL took a real dim view to the disrespect and attitude shown.

Perhaps I'll wait a couple weeks and ask FIL how it's going with the guy and if there's been no contact nor pickup...maybe I'll call the son on the side and simply tell him that if he'd like me to take her things and donate them to goodwill/other... let me know and then he won't even need to come out our way. (we live almost an hour from him too... since his mother had moved back to her house several months prior, MOST of her belongings were taken with her, so he might not want to even bother with the residual things)

Over all though... my FIL did deal with this and I honestly did NOT think he would so I was smiling (behind his back) for him.

 

[Sigarms]

Honest opinion, tell your FIL you will help anyway you can, all he has to do is ask, and you will do whatever he needs. It's clear you don't think much of some of these people involved with your FIL, and unless he (FIL) can't handle himself, stay clear of the whole situation and deal with no one and say nothing. Bottom line, everything mentioned is really none of your business.