Grandson update ...

[blueriver]

Broken ribs and glasses! I would make it a point to have the Bully expelled, and have charges of assault filed on the kid. What kind of school administrators tolerates this type of behavior. And we pay School Taxes to support this bulling. By doing nothing the other kids are seeing that you can get away with it and it is promoting this type of behavior. The school is doing an injustice to both kids.

Don ... I hear what your saying ... this is a small community. My neighbor to the West is on the school board and him and I have had some conversations regarding more than this issue ... I believe if I am diplomatic and continue to get more involved in the school I can help.

I'm not saying if it doesn't get better on the schools end that I won't raise heIl and take it a step further even visit these boys and their dads. I'm not promoting violence ... but if this little fellow would just bow up and show some attitude to just one of those boys ... I believe it would be over.

 

[TripleR]

Yes your right ... but I'm worried that we are the only ones in his life. I can understand how he feels about his lifestyle. For the first time he has love and respect ... he is in our hip pocket. In his world there is nothing more than Grandpa and Grandma.

He has duty, responsibility and obligation and like any kid on a scale of 1-10 he's in there at a 6-7 ... yes he forgets some chores. His grades go up and down ... he loves to accomplish things and has more than once told me ... Grandpa there isn't anything that we can't do... we are firm and we do discipline, reward accomplishments.

He just does not interact ... he has a four wheeler, kids in the neighbor hood that he could get together with ... he just doesn't.

Last baseball season he came home and told me "the other boys think I weird" I asked him why ... he said because I change into my uniform in the bathroom ... I said that may be a little weird ... boys are boys and its okay to change in the locker room with all the rest of the boys. I don't know if he changed that or if he still does it his way. I haven't asked.

One of the first things a professor said that really made sense was<If it took a kid thirteen or fourteen years to get this way, don't expect quick changes, look at it in the long term. I am sure you are already seeing improvements.

Gauging "social skills/interactions" is really difficult and treman makes some valid points, history is replete with successful individuals who were socially awkward. My uncle was just like treman. I do have some concern about his preference for younger children; may be significant and maybe not.

His age is a difficult time for many kids no matter how well adjusted they may seem. We watched our kids go through it as well as some grand kids and have one that age now and her mom is pulling her hair out.

As to the bullying, sadly it certainly is nothing new and the ideal situation is for the child to handle it, but I agree, beyond a certain point if a student can't successfully deal with it, something must be done.

One of the TBN members JOHNTHOMAS is a retired counselor and minister who still does counseling and you might want to shoot him a PM, he knows a lot more about this and is a really nice guy. He should be able to point you in the right direction as to resources, reading material and possibly ally some of your concerns.

 

[blueriver]

I do have some concern about his preference for younger children; may be significant and maybe not.

I think its because they are not bigger, don't pick on him.

 

[blueriver]

One of the first things a professor said that really made sense was<If it took a kid thirteen or fourteen years to get this way, don't expect quick changes, look at it in the long term. I am sure you are already seeing improvements.

I tell my wife the same thing everyday ... we just have to understand him and help him. She's not as patient as I am with him.

 

[TripleR]

I think its because they are not bigger, don't pick on him.

That could very well be true and it could also be a bridge on which to safely build on and catch up with his socialization skills.

I tell my wife the same thing everyday ... we just have to understand him and help him. She's not as patient as I am with him.

Love and patience are extremely important; love is the easy part. Advising others to be patients is a lot easier for me than practicing it, but I do believe it is essential.

 

[txdon]

Does your school not have a bullying policy? Broken ribs and a child that can't relate to others because of fear. He may say everything is ok but it is not. Sometimes the parents and the school board need to step up. Is the bully running the school board?

Do not let a small comunity rob you grandson of his dignity.

I know you are trying to do the right thing but broken ribs, there has to be a line someplace between teasing and death and I think this is the point where tolerance should not be accepted.

I would also expect the school board to reimburse you for medical expenses and glasses. It happen while he was in their care, right.

"I believe if I am diplomatic and continue to get more involved in the school I can help."

When bullys break children's bones the time for diplomacy ends and enforcement of the adults start.

I commend you for stepping up and taking care of your grandchild.

 

[JOHNTHOMAS]

Here is a source to buy books and names of books Thriftbooks Used Books - SearchBooks to buy or borrow at the Library that I believe will be very helpful if you have taken on the responsability of raising a Child, any Child.
Bullys have always been around and I guess will always be around. Usually they are very insecure individuals and are in need of some serious (positive) attention themselves. I'm sure every Teacher and School Administrator knows who they are but being teachers and not Counselors don't usually have the time or training to deal with them.
I taught HS for one semester after teaching several years at the College and had to make the choice of being a Counselor to one girl or a Teacher to the class, not enough time to do both. I had to choose Teacher since that was what I had Volunteered to do and it was a tough decision since my heart is as a Counselor. I had to remove her from the class and hoped someone was dealing with her "Dysfunctional Family" issues.
I know it's hard to hear and especially when it's your child that is on the receiving end that the "Offender" is probably living in a horrible family situation and no one can or is doing any thing about it. I hear alot about how the GOVERNMENT is wasting OUR money and often times they are, but........many services provided by your neighbors who are paid by the government provide some very needed and valuable services. Hopefully Social Services or the School Counselor are involved in this issue and if not they should be.

 

[kevincook]

Ok, I'm not a professional so I might be all wrong.

YOU need to be involved with the parents of the children your grandson's age. This will be a little awkward since you are from a different generation but you need to be involved with the parents generation on a regular basis....several times per week. Have them over for pizza night with the kids, cookouts in the back yard, a square dance in the barn, bonfire in the back yard, etc. Get in the loop and the parents will start including you in there get togethers. Most of these events will be informal with a couple of parents just deciding to get together on Friday night, then they'll ask the other parents they normally associate with. You'll have to go out of your way to start doing things the other parents are doing.

Your grandson is "new" and teenagers can be brutal with anyone a little different. You said he plays baseball, try to get him involved in some activity almost continuously year round. My kids liked sports and changed to something different every three months, but they played year round. Maybe your grandson likes sports or drama or computers or riding dirt bikes, whatever it is just get out there and do it....he will meet friends.

The last thing I'll recommend is find out which adult has influence with the kids. Maybe a teacher or the baseball coach or one of the parents. Explain the situation to them and ask them to talk with the other kids. Ask the other kids to be nice and try to be friends for a month, sit with him at lunch, invite him to join their group whenever he is alone. Ask them to do this for just one month.......after that time at least some of them will realize they like hanging out with him....he's just like they are.

There are good parents out there and if they knew what was going on they would make sure it didn't continue. I don't think my son was ever in a fight, it is just not in his personality. He was pretty popular and pretty big so nobody every gave him a hard time, however, I told him several times starting in about 7th grade that if he ever sees another kid being bullied or picked on that he had a responsibility to stop it. If new kids arrived in the school he and his friends needed to actively invite them to join in with their group at lunch, sports, pizza after school, whatever they were doing.

You're doing a great job and I commend you for your efforts, your grandson will appreciate this for the rest of his life. Now go out there, get involved with the younger crowd and have some fun.

Good Luck,
Kevin

 

[Western]

Does your school not have a bullying policy? Broken ribs and a child that can't relate to others because of fear. He may say everything is ok but it is not. Sometimes the parents and the school board need to step up. Is the bully running the school board?

Do not let a small comunity rob you grandson of his dignity.

I know you are trying to do the right thing but broken ribs, there has to be a line someplace between teasing and death and I think this is the point where tolerance should not be accepted.

I would also expect the school board to reimburse you for medical expenses and glasses. It happen while he was in their care, right.

"I believe if I am diplomatic and continue to get more involved in the school I can help."

When bullys break children's bones the time for diplomacy ends and enforcement of the adults start.

I commend you for stepping up and taking care of your grandchild.

I'm with Don all the way on this one. The boy has a "right" to feel safe at school. or at least come back home in the same condition he went in.

A broken rib into the lung would be catastrophic, but broken "anything" has gone to far.

Maybe a martial arts class would help him defend himself and build his confidence.

 

[dmccarty]

Just saw this thread....

The broken ribs and glasses are unacceptable. If this happened to one of my kids law enforcement would be involved. That is a serious assault and should be handled as such. What the school does is secondary. Snitching is not an issue since the kid had broken ribs so YOU take the issue forward.

With today's PC, one has to be careful with how one handles a bully. Both of my kids have had problems but nothing serious like broken ribs. Our oldest has had the worst problem at a school she used to go to. There was a bully who was a couple years older than the other kids. My impression was that he was learning from his father. We made the school and teachers aware of the problem which they already knew about. When I would pick our up our child they would often be outside playing. I noticed behaviors that the teachers were simply missing.

Since there is a limit to what the school can do and they cannot see everything, I taught our child to hit. Hit HARD. I showed her how to make a fist and HIT HARD without hurting herself. I then let her hit my stomach. I have a strong stomach so I let her flail away. :laughing: Did I mention I taught her to HIT HARD.

We also talked that if she did fight back I would have to deal with the school. That was ok because if the bully was hurting her it needed to stop. Since the school had been notified by multiple times by multiple parents, if the problem continued it had to be solved by my kid. She needed to know that there would be more than the physical fight with the bully and not worry about. That was my problem.

One of my kids friends was a smaller boy. They both were having problems with the bully who was much bigger than them. The bully really had issues. He challenged ME one day. He ran at me as fast as he could to see if I would jump out of the way. I did not. He was surprised.

One day after school I arrived just as the kids were going back into the building after being outside playing. My daughter and her friend were almost the last kids going into the building. They were out of breath, running, but laughing. I knew something was up. As they entered the building the bully turned the corner and he was in a world of hurt. :thumbsup::laughing: He was dirty and covered with grass and straw. He was holding his stomach and was in a bit of pain.

On the drive home I found out what happened. Or at least some of it. My daughter as playing with her friend on the monkey bars. The bully went after her friend. Somehow the bully got hit or kicked in the stomach. :laughing:

No more problems.

Course your grandson has to realize this and do something. On the other hand he might not have a problem with one kid but a group of kids. That would not be something he can handle by himself.

Him being a loner can be a problem but then so can being the a popular kid. I grew up mostly with adults. I did have friends but not alot of them since I went to quite a few schools in different states so there simply was not time to have a bunch of friends. I went to three high schools as an example. Two of the high schools were in the same city since I was bussed but you made friends one year and they were gone the next. I got along better with adults and younger kids than kids my own age.

It sounds like he needs confidence building. If he was interested in martial arts and there was a good school nearby that would be a good option.

I really do think you need to dig deep into the bullying. He is very likely NOT telling you everything that is happening. My parents did NOT know how one of my teachers behaved in one grade. They were shocked when I told them over the last year or two. The teachers was a nut job but they had no clue. His ribs getting broken is serious.

Raising kids sure ain't easy.

Later,
Dan