Groan 3; the Sequel

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Yogi05

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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, Frank, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would surely know what he was doing.

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night...
 

Yogi05

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Yogi05

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A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the…” “I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?” Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road….” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie”. Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feeling?”
“Now tell me, what the HECK would you say?”
 

Yogi05

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My car after backing it out of a snow drift that totally engulfed it.
I'm on a secondary road there and got a little snow blinded and not only could I not tell where the road was (I was navigating by
memory) I couldn't tell what was hood-deep snow or a huge drift.
I went into it at 40mph and the inside of the car turned dark.
My two concerns were a blocked tailpipe while being stuck and covered with snow, and a highway plow cresting the hill where I was stuck.
In the end, obviously I backed out carefully, not to get stuck worse, and cleaned it off enough I could carry on to the store.
Looking back, taking a second run to get through the same snow drift and carry on was probably not the best idea but the
alternative was backing about 3 miles through that same hood-deep snow. There was no turning around.
Good times :)
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ning

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I remember reading one of those "understanding the tax code" books that had a ton of examples of how these sorts of rules are used.
In general, they exist to be able to tack on more penalties when someone gets busted, but the converse ends up true as well - I remember reading one example where a druglord was able to deduct / depreciate speedboat etc as cost of doing business.
Obviously, that was to reduce the tax burden his estate had to pay, since he was in jail and accountants were having to figure out how to reduce the humungous tax bill he owed.
 

Pixguy

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An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane and he turned to
him and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."
The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no
Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay." he said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question
first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes
little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why
do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the old cowboy's intelligence, thinks about it and
says, "Hmmm, I have no idea:
To which the cowboy replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven
and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know crap?"
 
  
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2LaneCruzer

2LaneCruzer

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There was this doctor, see? And every afternoon at exactly 2 o’clock, he dashed down to the bar for one—just one—of his favorite drinks. This was an odd-ball concoction—a daiquiri with ground-up almonds in it.

It was approaching 2 o’clock this particular day when the bartender discovered to his dismay that he was out of almonds. He sent the waitress searching for almonds. But all she could find were hickory nuts.

So the doctor came in and the bartender made his drink. The doctor took one sip, puckered in disgust, and demanded, “What kind of drink is this ??!!”

The bartender paled and confessed:

“It’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”
 

i7win7

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Is it just me or does deer season keep getting longer?
blending-in13.jpg
 
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