Helping a parent to deal with losing their driving priveleges

[Daver1963]

We didn't know it at the time, but about 2003 my father started having mini-strokes. Then he had cataract surgery on both eyes about 2011. He shouldn't have been driving before that, but even after the cataract surgery the eye doctor said he didn't need to be driving. Still noticing something wrong, because he shuffled his feet a lot, my sister (who works at a hospital) arranged for tests and he was diagnosed having dementia with Lewy Bodies which is similar, but different from Parkinson's.

At that time he was told again he was not to be driving and we arranged for someone to sit with him a couple of days a week and run him to town for what he needed. About a year later we started getting reports that he was being seen in town at the post office and store. He was actually seen driving the back roads trying to avoid something (the cops I guess), but the only thing about that was that he had to drive past one brother and one sister's house, neighbors, and multiple cousin's. They all knew he wasn't supposed to be driving and told us.

My sisters threatened to take away and sell the van and he said he'd call the cops and tell them they stole it. In the end he promised not to drive anymore and to enforce it one Sunday during family dinner my brother sneaked into the garage and pulled the ignition fuses.

At that point my sister informed the local garage not to accept trouble calls about the van and he never complained to us about it not starting. We then had to get someone there to stay with him all days during the work week.

 

[oosik]

I am the "older person" here and I know full well that my day is coming. Fortunately, my son lives only 25 miles away and will provide any necessary transportation. As my time comes and I begin to drive more erratically - I will just fit in with all the younger folks around here that drive like a bunch of wild monkeys. I'm easy to spot - I'm the one that drives at or a little below the posted speed limit.

 

[ultrarunner]

Just outside Olympia is Boston Harbor road... the speed limit has been lowered and for a short stretch it is very low...

I set the cruise control and just decompress on that patch of highway... folks are always passing and about half the time a trooper is just waiting...

Given the choice between mature drivers and punks... I'll take the mature driver every time!

 

[boggen]

a lot of the hectic stuff can be avoided ( dr appts, etc )

set aside one day of the week for those chores/tests/etc .... let the offices know that mom/dad has transportation on "Wednesdays only" and can they book the appointment for that day ... most can accommodate the requests. ... same for shopping , movies , etc .... make it a day out with them and take time to do the stuff they want to do , places they want to see ...

fewer surprises ... more control over your life ( and theirs)

have had my fair share of medical issues throughout my life. and would say this is best advice.

set a day each week. groceries, medication, shopping and like.

get a couple coolers, not large heaping bulking camping coolers, but something to fit say a couple frozen pizzas, some meat, and then a second cooler beside it. a couple smaller coolers = being able to pick them up and carry them into the house to unload. vs a big bulky cooler. designate back seats yours or theirs or vice vs. which ever is easier for you when you get home to unload. so you can do some grocery shopping while they are doing there thing. granted you may still need to hit grocery store a second time, but only to pickup a couple items for yourself say, ice cream, or like.

it going to be an ugly day shopping, hitting multi stores. from a dollar store, to walmart, to a grocery store, to a medication store, to a hardware store / hobby store.

get them to email, text, or like "not call and tell you, but actually writting down for you and email or texting you" if they need anything from a given store. give them a day advance notice if ya going to XYZ store

and there going to screw with you / mess with you, just to do it.

figure out a routine, of something, say fried chicken from kroger, or mcdondles, or something quick easy and cheap. if one of ya are diabetic are on a given food diet. bring a 3rd cooler. with some water bottles, and some already prepared fruit, something easy and not messy, ya both can have. as a small snack. when folks get hungry they get iffy. ya don't want a full stomach, nor an empty one to keep ya both going.

gatoraid bottles, 20flz oz are favorites in this family, drink the gatoride, and then re-use the bottles, either fill with water and tossed into freezer and let thaw for a couple hours before drinking, to tea, to other mix drinks on the go. to out on the raft on the lake and having a bottle of something without spilling. its more about the wide mouth the gatoraid bottles have vs regular soda bottles and water bottles have. and pending on your ice maker in the freezer, using the banana ice cubes to fit into the bottle. have a couple extra coolie cups for the bottles. to make less of a mess in the car. more so the in drink holders.

have some advil or like over counter med on hand in middle of seats or glove department. ya both bond to get some acks and pains.

remember those 2 or 3 smaller coolers? frozen water bottle or ice pack or like tossed into a cooler. to either cool the food or for one of you that having acks/pains. small dish towel of course on hand.

fast food restruants, hit one every couple weeks, and snag some napkins and store in glove department. though having them i can never remember the name of them "handi wipes" or "santizing wipes" can be useful. come in either a round plastic container and ya pull one out as needed, or comes in a little foil like package. still someting to clean your hands / blow your noze.

garbage bag = a previously used plastic grocery bag or like. bring some extra along with you. your bound to buy each other stuff or pay at as one person vs checking out individually. when ya get back to there home. can be quick grab and bag into the xtra baggies. vs trying to resort things at the car or in there home.

aldi's grocery store, were ya either bring your own bags or boxes. and package your own stuff can be nice, to help pack some extra stuff into the vehicle. vs dealing with regular plastic bags ya get from all the stores. it makes for a nicer and cleaner looking car shoving stuff into it, and then getting it all back out of the vehicle easier. that is if one of you can handle the bigger boxes.

they are going to be back seat drivers. take your time.

again 2 to 3 small coolers, say ya hit a subway or something and having lunch special buy X amount and get extra much cheaper / free. eat what you want, toss rest in the cooler, so you can go about rest of your shopping.

cell phones can be handy, more so grocery shopping or going into larger stores, were ya both go at different paces and different isles. cell phones or NO CELL PHONES, make sure ya disgenate an area you or them will wait if one finishes before the other. ya it is always good to be there and walk through store together. but... it happens. they may want something they don't want you to see and vice vs. if they actually need help that is one thing. but no need to be joined at the hip in the stores. this is more about hot summer days, and cold winters. and staying cool / warm and in easy eye sight without being ran over by other folks exiting the store.

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most of it is about prep work. that can make things go easier for everyone. it is a learning experience for both you and them. assume some frustration from everyone.

 

[jaotguy]

if you separate in a store ... the one who gets to the EXIT first, WAITS there for the other ( designate 1 exit if there is more than one ) . don't go looking thru the whole store for them ...

carry some soft drinks if they are diabetic ... or water bottles if they aren't ....

plan your trips with "public washrooms" all along the way ( to and from ) ... mc D , etc ....

have them write out a list of places to go ( and things they want ) as they remember them ... then organize them so they flow rather than zig zag all over ... ( and you don't get home and find out they forgot something they really need ) ....

if they have mobile friends , have them drop by with your older relative ... even offer a few bucks for gas if they decide to go out somewhere ...

get them hooked on local social events ( bingo, cards, darts , etc ...)

check out the bus / transportation routes ... so they aren't completely dependent on you ....

arrange for a second contact driver if things get too hectic ....

this one is a bit touchy ... have them carry a small "CONTACT" card with your name, address, and phone number in their purse/ wallet , in case they get lost / forget where they are/ get into an accident and can't talk / or worse ....

 

[nickc]

like daver1963 I had a very similar situation, my f.i.l. reported me for stealing his car, the local police chief informed me that in Massachusetts unless he killed someone no one could take his license from him. when I'd disable it ,he'd call aaa & it'd get towed, he'd pay the bill not remembering the same thing just happened a week before. finally I left notes under the hood explaining why it disabled with my phone#. its a very difficult thing to do. I wish I could give advise but all situations are so different. best of luck
-nick

 

[breadtrk]

Grandma gave up her keys at 92, just called mom and said come sell the car. She drove like I do, fast and confident. None of us had any problems with her driving at all.

Uncle Lawrence.... His dodge dually needs a starter, we decided as a family that we wasn't able to find one. 79 and memory loss has set in.

Father in law handed his over at 70, nothing wrong with him, he just decided he was done driving.

Mother in law... Wife told her at 80 it was time to stop driving, she didn't like it one bit but gave up the keys.


It is a tough decision for some, some it is easy, some you just have to put your foot down and be your parents parent.

 

[sixdogs]

Off task a bit here but, on the other side I know a neighbor woman that drove at 102 (!) and was sharp as a tack. She really didn't want to drive but when her 73 her old son failed to show up to take her shopping she just drove herself. Also tended a HUGE garden, canned, baked and put up jams and pickles and whatever. At 100 she was chosen Farm Bureau Woman of the Year and was humble enough to say it was because she had outlived everyone else.


My MIL is 93 and, while she doesn't drive can remember with clarity things from forever ago. When I can't think of a name or place from decades ago I ask her and she knows the answer all the time. If she bakes 58 cookies she knows if there are only 57 or so and if any of them (grin) have vanished. We're looking for a recumbent exercise bicycle for her since she would like a little more exercise.

My FIL passed away a couple years ago but paddled a canoe in a river and went camping--no stopping him--until 88. He stopped driving in his mid-late 80's but would ride his three wheel bicycle many miles a day. He was quite a guy and quit driving just about the time we suggested it. That would be right after he kissed the entire side of his car on the garage door frame. Raised in a farm orphanage, I don't think he ever told a lie or did an evil deed. If there's a Heaven, he's in it.

 

[ultrarunner]

^^^ I know I'm inspired by the elders around me... I'm still the kid on the block at a time when most of those I went to high school with have grandchildren.

 

[jaotguy]

^^^ I know I'm inspired by the elders around me... I'm still the kid on the block at a time when most of those I went to high school with have grandchildren.

hey wait a minute ... most if the Newfies still in high school have grand kids ....:laughing: