Hospice

[RSKY]

My youngest daughter, her husband, and her mother-in-law have just gone thru ten days of complete ****. Her father-in-law had a fast acting cancer that spread all over his body in a very short time.

He wanted nothing more than to die with dignity. BUT, as most people will do when they don't realize how fast the disease can work, they put off the inevitable too long and when needed they could not get him into a Hospice. So he had to go home. The last week was awful, indescribable, and my daughter aged five years in five days. I dread seeing what the week has done to my son in law and his mother.

This man was a quiet, kind, soul who accepted his son's wife into his heart and loved her and his grandchildren greatly. He hung on suffering for days until my daughter recorded the grandchildren's laughing voices saying, "Hi" to him and the five year old talking to him with the not quite two year old saying "Papaw" over and over again. Then he turned slightly and gave it up.

The purpose of this post is to tell you that if you have somebody nearing the end stages of their life to please do all you can to put them in a Hospice Center where they can be taken care of by trained professionals. If you have a condition that is terminal please do not tell your loved ones that you wish to die at home. That puts all the duties of taking care of you in your final days on your family. What his wife, son, and daughter in law had to do this past week was beyond what a grieving family should have to do. My daughter was put in the position of having to tell family members, well-wishers, and 'sight-seers' that they could not come in the house. Sometimes forcefully. Of having to tell people that did come in to leave. Of calling the Hospice nurses and a friend who was one to find out what to do as his body deteriorated.

I am in good health now but I have made it clear to my wife and both my children that if the situation arises I do not want to put them in the position of caretakers in my final days.

No discussion is needed on this topic, please just read and heed.

RSKY

 

[RNeumann]

Hospice has great in home care as well. They can typically do up to a year but that can be extended.

Hospice is one of the best. Not only for the pt but for family and friends too.

 

[Kessler Farms]

My condolences. I would like to add, though, Hospice will do final days in home care. I have dealt with them twice with in home care.

 

[beemerphile]

Some discussion may be in order. There is a place for both residential and home hospice depending on the patient's disease and condition and also on the availability and skill of family members who can assist. Also, just as there are people who wish to die at home, there are sometimes also family members with the same desire. When all of that matches up, then home hospice can be a viable choice.

My wife was a certified hospice RN for many years and has seen both work well in particular cases. Some times the wrong choice is made and the family or patient regrets it or suffers for it. The WORST thing that can happen is if hospice is avoided because it is seen as an admission that the condition is terminal when the family or patient still thinks that recovery is possible. Then the patient suffers as the doctors and home health providers continue to strive unsuccessfully to "get them well". Palliative care is much different than therapeutic care, and is what hospice is able to help provide - the most comfort possible for the patient. Whether it is best provided in a home or residential setting needs to be established individually in each case.

We are doing home care right now for my 92 year old mother. With my wife's skills and two siblings to spread the load, we have ample resources to get it done. My mom and our family would not have it any other way.

 

[RSKY]

Home hospice was there. They did a remarkable job. But they couldn't be there 24/7. The cleaning up and disposing of what his body was putting out was left to the family when the nurses had to leave. And it was constant. They were using two or three packages of gloves a day.

DON'T put your family thru this.

I believe he knew how sick he was but tried to hide it.

I have lost three friends in the past nine days.

RSKY

 

[ovrszd]

I am sorry for your loss.

I don't know of a Hospice Care Center in my area.

My County Health Department Hospice Care givers are a Blessing.

 

[Slowpoke Slim]

I'm just going to do what the Eskimo's do. Take a long walk across the ice.

Sorry for your loss.

 

[NorTracNY]

Sorry to hear of your loss. My family went through similar recently. As mentioned by others, there are options for in-home care. My family used hospice (which would stop by periodically) and other independent nurses with one being in charge of scheduling and communication. I agree that the end can be VERY difficult and it often is best to have those with experience be there. Hospice is a wonderful service, but they are not always able to be there. Around here Hospice will only have people under their care for 6months. There was one person that was in Hospice for 6months, then sent home. The family had to handle the care for the next 6months before Hospice let her in again.

 

[WVBill]

I will strongly second RSKYs message.
We went through this with my father in law last year. Add to the situation some family members in denial and wanting to keep him at home v.s. in care Hospice. It practically tore the family apart. We decided we didn't want the controversy to be among our family's last memories of us.

Think through what BEEMERPHILE wrote in Post #4
Make your end of life care plan NOW. Write it down. Discuss it with your family.

Find out about your nearest Hospice facilities. Most rely on volunteers and donations. Become a supporter.

 

[ultrarunner]

Situations show both the worst and best in people...

Hospice concentrates on making the patient "Comfortable" as possible in the final days... which is often very different than conventional medicine.

My Grandfather had terminal cancer and Mom being an RN was allowed to medicate at home... her in-laws were forever grateful...

Every situation is different...

Losing 3 close to you is always hard... losing them in 9 days is devastating beyond words...

Prayers to you and your family for the strength to endure...

 

[ultrarunner]

Find out about your nearest Hospice facilities. Most rely on volunteers and donations. Become a supporter.

Very true and made a world of difference in time of need... the mother of a friend needed hospice and found options simply not available..

Thing is the mother was a volunteer for many years and proudly had a plaque in the living room saying Volunteer of the years in 2009...

My friend spoke to the hospice director and mentioned this... the director said he would call her back within and hour and he did with a placement... daughter mentioned this during the funeral and said her Mom's eyes lit up when she learned she was going to the place where she had volunteered for years...

 

[dmccarty]

...
... Add to the situation some family members in denial and wanting to keep him at home v.s. in care Hospice. It practically tore the family apart...

Had a family member who just refused to die. He had a heart issue and was put back in the hospital. The heart issues had been going on for a decade or so and he had spent weeks in the hospital 3-4 months prior to his last visit. After a week or so in the hospital, he had another heart attack and they told us he would be dead by noon on a Friday. Long story short, he did die around 11:00am on a Friday. It just happened to be a week later. The man simply did not want to die. He and the family suffered as a result. I would not have let an animal suffer like he did. He was just holding on and would not let go.

Another family member was told they would have to go into a nursing home. Since I was a little kid that family member said I will NEVER go into a home. The doc said they needed to go into a home, which was true, and that family member died a few days later. I know darn well they willed them self to die.

Later,
Dan

 

[dmccarty]

...

I have lost three friends in the past nine days.

RSKY

Take care of YOURSELF RSKY. Losing that many people in that short of time is a big hit on YOU.

Later,
Dan

 

[4570Man]

I'm just going to do what the Eskimo's do. Take a long walk across the ice.

Sorry for your loss.

If only we could have the same treatment our animals get in the end. That’s one thing I don’t understand. Seeking “life saving” treatments to only prolong the misery for a little longer is even worse IMO.

 

[rekees4300]

I'm just going to do what the Eskimo's do. Take a long walk across the ice.

Secobarbital is the modern version of walking across the ice. Availability depends on state and/or doctor.

Should the terminally ill control how they die? - CBS News

 

[RSKY]

One of the Hospice nurses my daughter talked to, one not involved in her FIL's care, said that sometimes people are waiting for something or someone before they die. My daughter made the video of the grandkids playing and laughing and saying, "I love you Papaw". She played it for him once and he took a big breath and within minutes had passed. His wife believes he was waiting to hear them one last time. They couldn't bring the kids in to see him. The shape he was in was simply too horrible.

RSKY

 

[dmccarty]

One of the Hospice nurses my daughter talked to, one not involved in her FIL's care, said that sometimes people are waiting for something or someone before they die. My daughter made the video of the grandkids playing and laughing and saying, "I love you Papaw". She played it for him once and he took a big breath and within minutes had passed. His wife believes he was waiting to hear them one last time. They couldn't bring the kids in to see him. The shape he was in was simply too horrible.

RSKY

I think that is true. The family member who took a week to die was moved from intensive care to a regular room where he was to die. He was moaning so loud we had to turn up the TV to the highest setting to TRY not to disturb other patients. He was heavily sedated so I don't think he was in pain but was trying to talk...

The last time I saw him alive, I whispered in his ear that it was time for him to let go. Not sure I made a difference, and I think other family members said the same thing, but he died the next day.

Long story short, 14 hours after he was supposed to have died, I was staying over night with the sick family member. At 2-3am, he started talking. We were one of the last people to whom he talked to before he went unconcious 26 hours before so when he started talking it was a big surprise. The doctor said when his blood pressure got in the 50's he would die. All night I had watched his pressure drop and figured at his current pressure drop, he would be in the 50's between 2-3 at which point he would die.

Between 2-3 am, with his blood pressure in the 50s, he started talking.... Not to me but to his long dead mother. :shocked: The hair went up on the back of my neck. HE WAS talking to his mother. He would say something. Pause. Wait of an answer I could not hear. This lasted 30-60 seconds and he was as clear as a bell. Then he stopped talking and his blood pressure started to increase and got out of the 50s. :confused3:

His wife demanded that a family member be with him 24 hours a day so I pulled the night shift. The next night I was staying with him and the same thing happened except his words were not clear. It was just mumbling.

I was the last family member to hear him talk. He was apologizing for something he had done, which had badly disappointed his mother, and changed the family's life forever. He was crying when he was talking. Was he talking to his mother or was it a memory?

The reader can decide. :laughing::laughing::laughing:

Later,
Dan

 

[Big Barn]

RSKY My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

To everyone else, make an attempt to support your local Hospice.