Long-estranged sibling just passed away...

[oldpilgrim]

My 90 year old father died a few months ago. He was very forward thinking and over the past 10 or so years, put everything in my brother and my name, house, bank accounts, investments, gave me total power of attorney, health proxy, everything....with my mother's blessing. My brother is just not cut out to handle things like I can, and has health issues, so he was happy to let me 'take the reins', having complete confidence in me. We and especially my mother would have to do very little. Some families can do this, others can't, and shouldn't due to greedy children. We are a very close family.

He had bought a family plot years ago, had his stone in place for 5-6 years, gave me instructions as to what he wanted for a funeral, knowing I'd do it. He wanted a simple pine casket, one evening of family visitation and a simple graveside service. He got what he wanted, even though over 300 people showed up.

Be prepared for sticker shock. This very simple funeral, pine box, not including a plot and stone already in place, still cost over $12k. Not a problem for us financially, but still a lot of cash.

He made it very easy for my mother, brother and I, and I admire him immensely for his foresight.

I am in the process of doing the same thing for my wife and kids. All the paper work is in place and at the lawyers office and a stone is ready to be set in place.

If I last 10 years, I wonder what a simple funeral will be then.

As to the OP question, you have no responsibility. I think this is a matter of 'what cold have been' in your mind and you feel you could have done things differently. What you do or don't do now, will make no difference as the 'could have been' will always be there. The money won't make that go away.

I have a similar situation with a child and it eats at me terribly, daily, although I know I can't do anything to change things. I'm trying not to to let it affect my future actions.

What's done, is done. I can't change it and neither can you.

Best wishes in coming to grips with it, and I'm sorry for your loss. It's never easy.

I miss my father terribly.

 

[Tig]

Perhaps reach out to your niece and nephew and extend your condolences. Meet them, perhaps at the funeral. They may know her in much the same light as you do. Play it by ear.
Under very different circumstances I covered funeral and living expenses to protect a (related) widow from unnecessary hardship. It wasn't planned, but it became obvious to me when I saw how things were. I was paid back, but under the circumstances I would have been fine with letting it go.

 

[turnkey4099]

Instead of just a receipt, we got a pretty detailed insurance contract.

So did I both times, original in the safety deposit box, copy at home, copy at the lawyers office.

 

[MossRoad]

MossRoad - usually the stones have birth date. Laminate and tape a deceased date on it..for, say, early 2017? Should have good effect! Might put a trail camera to capture it

Oh, I'd feel horrible if I put a date on it and something happened. :laughing: Grandma is 75 and grandpa is 88. Still independent, but starting to slow down. I'm mowing his lawn for him now. He had an infection and is on a liquid diet, and kind of weak for a few weeks. But they still went to the casino this week... penny slots!!! :laughing:

 

[MossRoad]

My folks had a pretty straight forward will. Dad dies, mom gets everything. Mom dies, dad gets everything. Both die, 5 kids split it 5 ways. Mom died first. Dad never changed the will and never got remarried, so it was good when he died several years later. A sibling and I were the executors of the will. None of the siblings fought over anything and it still took well over a year to get everything straightened out and two houses sold. A very small hassle for a very good upbringing. It was worth it. :thumbsup:

I'll tell you what's surreal...
Turning the machines off on a parent, watching them pass away in a hospital at 3am and being in a casket show room in the basement of a funeral home at 9:00am the same day. You just look around and think about things...

 

[oldpilgrim]

My folks had a pretty straight forward will. Dad dies, mom gets everything. Mom dies, dad gets everything. Both die, 5 kids split it 5 ways. Mom died first. Dad never changed the will and never got remarried, so it was good when he died several years later. A sibling and I were the executors of the will. None of the siblings fought over anything and it still took well over a year to get everything straightened out and two houses sold. A very small hassle for a very good upbringing. It was worth it. :thumbsup:

I'll tell you what's surreal...
Turning the machines off on a parent, watching them pass away in a hospital at 3am and being in a casket show room in the basement of a funeral home at 9:00am the same day. You just look around and think about things...

You sure do, and do so for many months later. I know they say time heals all wounds. I haven't had enough time yet.

 

[MossRoad]

You sure do, and do so for many months later. I know they say time heals all wounds. I haven't had enough time yet.

For my folks, my mom wasn't unexpected. Aneurysm. She knew she had it, but it was in the base of her brain stem and inoperable. She went 7 years before it blew. She was gone in minutes. I had to turn her off. My dad couldn't do it. I didn't want to make him do it, either. Love of his life. Took me a while to get over it, but nothing but good memories of her these days. My dad was cancer. Quite unexpected. And original 4 year outlook developed a rare condition and he was gone in 5 weeks. And he didn't want to go. His mind was there right up until the end. That was tough to watch. But, again, nothing but good memories now. That was '87 and '95 respectively. Took a couple years to feel right again about both of them. Funerals are for the living.

 

[oldpilgrim]

My dad was a few months ago. He went down hill over the past couple of years. It was expected. Heart failure, deafness and blindness. Death was a relief for him.

I had to give the DNR order.

He and I were exceptionally close, so no matter if it was expected or not, it was, and still, is hard. He was my hero and my best friend. It will get better, I know.

 

[69 SS]

Mama had a will and a rare form of cancer for years. She donated her body to a well known cancer research institute. Me and brother told the hospital to shut off the machine. Really kind of her to think she could help with research of her type cancer. She knew we wouldn't have to do the visitation,funeral home, paperwork,burial service,all the rest of it. Cried for weeks,crying now. What she did for us was the 5 P Principal,Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performance. Been 13 years and I still miss my mom,but feel her presence from time to time. Her memories are forever etched in my mind.Wish she could ride my new tractor. RIP,will be with her in the future. Hope this helps someone else facing a tough decision.

 

[MossRoad]

My dad was a few months ago. He went down hill over the past couple of years. It was expected. Heart failure, deafness and blindness. Death was a relief for him.

I had to give the DNR order.

He and I were exceptionally close, so no matter if it was expected or not, it was, and still, is hard. He was my hero and my best friend. It will get better, I know.

Yeah, my dad had a DNR order, too. The DR. asked him about it and he said no, he wanted to be revived. He had things to do and planned to use the DNR in his 90's; he was only 76. So, he died, the DR revived him and asked him about the DNR again. He said NO again. Few days later, heart stopped again. Dr. asked him again. Nope. Third time (not counting the time they had to shock him to get his rhythm in sync between death 2&3), he looked at me and said he had enough. Dr. said they'd load him up with morphine and he'd never wake up. Sent him back to the nursing home. Late that night, I'm sitting in his room, talking to one of my siblings on the phone, telling her he'd never wake up again. I look over and he's waving at me and says "I'm not dead yet!" and smiled. He was a huge Monty Python fan. :laughing: He talked to my sibling and went to sleep. He never woke up and passed the next morning.

It'll get better oldpilgrim. Just focus on the good thoughts and it'll come around. Don't set a timeline for it. Everyone's different.