It's a good thing the Lord didn't make stupid painful
This card comes in the mail from Noname Energy Company who sell just about every form of energy short of wind for your windmill.
I'm not overly joyed at the prospect of talking to a moron looking at a computer screen and dreaming of finding Prince Charming who will pay off her college loans I figure I'll hit their website and get some prices. I sort of need to fill the propane tank anyhow.
I'll admit the energy sellers have defeated me for the most part, open enrollment now seems to come twice a year, and I get to hear from the meatloaf working for the phone bank that markets for the phone company that's owned by a water company in Vermont far more than I need to. I'm actually able to read the monthly bill, and I know what I pay per killowatt hour for electrons marching to the house.
Spent about half an hour on the very entertaining website for Noname Energy. I learned they sell electrons, natural gas, Propane and fuel oil along with HVAC service. I learned they really want me to call.
OK, I fill my mug with coffee, fasten my seatbelt after returning my desk chair to the upright position, snap my mug into the mugholder I can reach with my right hand, make certain no loose objects might begin flight, doublecheck my can of dip on the computer, bring up a fresh page to make notes on, put NoName's phone number on top of the page and dial.
Whoopie, 2 ringy dingies and I get the automatic computerized answering system.
“You have reached Noname Energy, In order to direct your call properly, please press 1 for English, 2 for Spanish, 3 for other languages.
NOPE, I don't think so, lets press 0 and see if a human comes on line.
“I'm sorry I don't recognize that number please press 1 for English, 2 for Spanish, 3 for other languages, press 4 to hear the options repeated.
DON'T think so. Lets try 0 0.
“I'm sorry I don't recognize that number please press 1 for English, 2 for Spanish, 3 for other languages, press 4 to hear the options repeated.
OK, lets assume Mr Important at NoName Energy has an ego. Lets try 123
Bob Yunger, what's up?
Hi Bob, I'm having a heck of a time getting somebody to answer your phone, maybe there is somethng wrong with your autoanswer machine that replaced the receptionist. Can you help me?
I'm the depot manager, not the person who normally handles that. Want me to see if I can switch your call to sales?
Honestly Bob, since I called the main number 14 times and hit 1 every time, and just got you, it would
probably be best if you give me the number for the direct line to sales.
I got no idea if they have a direct number, but their extension is 779 or 801.
Thanks Bob, I appreciate that.
No problem, let me see if I can send your call to sales. If it doesn't work my extension is 123, call me back and we'll get you helped.
This is Sally, how may I help you?
Well shoot, I got nothing better to do, how about I lay some Cajun on you Sally. Evidently Sally don't do the Cajun one bit, so she transfers my call to Eileen who must be the language expert at NoName Energy. Guess what, Eileen don't speak the Cajun either. I finally get all frustrated and hang up.
Little while later I get myself all situated with another cup of coffee, and call NoName again.
“You have reached Noname Energy, In order to direct your call properly, please press 1 for English, 2 for Spanish, 3 for other languages.
779- ringy dingey
Hi, this is Sally, how can I help you.
Hi Sally, I need a price on about 300 gallons of propane in my tank for residential use.
Are you a NoName customer already?
No, I'm a person seeking toget a price on 300 gallons of propane delivered into the tank at my house.
Who are you buying propane from now?
Whoever gives me the best price.
Do you own the tank?
Yes I do.
Is the tank empty?
No
OK, who did you last buy propane from?
The vendor who had the best price last year.
Do you recall who that was?
Well, let me think, it was the company with a white truck with a big tank on the back of it and it had blue letters on the side of the tank, but I can't recall what they said.
OK, it's not that important.
Then why did you ask?
Because my screen had that question.
How about you ask your screen how much a gallon propane going to cost me?
I can't ask that yet. First I need to fill out your profile.
Oddly I'm getting a feeling I'm being jerked around here, so maybe its time I did some jerking back.
What do you heat your house with?
Fire
No, I mean what fuel do you use to heat with, like oil or gas or propane or electricity
That ain't what you asked.
Well I still need to know what fuel you heat the house with.
Wood.
You burn wood to heat the house?
No, I burn wood cause I got a big pile of wood in the yard and I need to get rid of it. If I didn't have wood I'd be cutting up car tires and burning them, but I don't cause people give me firewood to keep me from burning car tires.
You can't burn tires to heat a house, they'd make a lot of smoke & stink.
Now you kniw why people give me firewood.
OK, do you have natural gas?
Sometimes, like when I eat beans, but I live alone so nobody complains.
No, I meant Natural Gas that comes from a pipe.
Just one little second darlin, if you recall, I am trying to get you to give me a price on 300 gallons of propane. Do you think if I had natural gas coming to the house I'd be buying that much propane?
Oh, that's right, the screen had the question though so I had to ask.
Seems like your screen runs your life.
Not exactly, but I do have to put an answer in the box to get to the next question.
How many more questions you got before you can tell me how much a gallon you want for propane?
Probably not many.
That's good cause I'm an old man and I might need to go pee real soon. I'd sure like to know how much you want for a gallon of propane before I need to pee.
Well I'll go as fast as I can.
Appreciate that, my coffee mug is about empty too.
Let me ask you a question, did you have to go to college for that job you got there at NoName Energy.
I had a degree before I applied here.
What's your degree in, selling propane?
No, my degree is in fashion design.
Probably not a lot of them jobs in the help wanted are there?
No, there really arent.
Who do you buy electricity from?
The electric company, where you get yours form, might be you know something I don't.
Did you knowNoName sells electricity too?
Nope, but I sure hope you know the proce of electricity better than you know the price of propane.
Actually a lot of NoName's prices are linked, like if you buy Propane and electricity both, we give you a lower price on both.
No Kidding, how about if I buy natural gas and propane from you?
Why would you buy propane if you had natural gas?
Danged if I know but it sure seems like you asked me who I buy natural gas from a few minutes back when I was trying to get a price on propane.
If the question comes up on my screen I have to ask.
I suppose that makes sense. Do you sell orange juice, I got a hankering for some orange juice.
No, not from this office, but our convenience store division has it in the stores.
Do they sell propane by the gallon in them stores?
No, they sell the little tanks that you use on a grill, but not by the gallon.
OK, well maybe then I'll go get a bunch of them little tanks cause it sure don't seem like you want to sell me 300 gallons of propane.
I want to sell you propane.
Then why won't you give me a price?
I can't get a price till I complete the process.
Then complete the dang process.
OK, what do you use the propane for?
Fishing. I put propane in them plastic soda bottles with a handful of gravel, cap it up and toss it into the pond.
You can't do that with propane!
Sure can, I been doing it for at least 50 years.
Do you heat hot water with propane?
Nope, got no need to heat water that's already hot.
What fuel does your water heater use?
Propane
SIGH
Do you cook with propane?
Yup, both the stove and the grill out on the back porch use propane.
You want to hang on while I go pee, or do you want me to call you back?
I'll wait
Figured I'd mess with her mind so I just set the phone down and picked it back up 15 seconds later.
OK. I'm back, what's the next question?
My computer says you should have a 100 gallon tank.
I already got a 500 gallon tank, why would I want a 100 gallon tank too?
Do you own that 500 gallon tank?
Sure do.
Do you know what year the tank was made?
No. Why would I care? It ain't going for no ride on a truck so it don't matter.
It's on my screen, I have to ask.
Do you have a regulator between the tank and your house.
Do you have any dang idea what you're talking about girl? Of course there's a regulator, and even if there isn't it don't have a dam thing to do with you giving me a price.
There is no need to get that way with me, I'm doing my job.
If you were doing your dang job I would have known how much a gallon you want for propane fifteen minutes ago.
My computer just locked up, I'll have to call you back.
Well now just you bet I'll be sitting here waiting for our call.
I still got no idea how much a gallon they want for propane over there to NoName Energy, but you can just bet I likely won't be buying any from them.
