R.I.P crash325

[Sigarms]

As it should be. The real family is the one that raised and loved him.

Not always the case. Every person is different due to their own set of circumstances IMO.

If you were a child, growing up, and then realizing that you had a birth mother and father living in the world, it goes without saying that the child who grows into an adult may have questions.

The reality is some adoptive parents feel like they are going to lose something if the adoptive child ever contacts their birth parents.

For some reason our one son likes his biological brother, stays in contact with him, and the other brother sometimes just "disappears" which our son gets tired of. Other than his brother, he really has no interest in his sister, biological mother and biological father (and we don't push it, as he's an adult now and he knows what he's doing).

Our other son wanted contact with his biological mother as it was a termination of parental rights case. His biological mother gave him all sorts of things (presents equated to love) and seemed to want contact with him. After our adoption was finalized, our son still had some questions for his biological mother, but when he really wanted to contact her, she just disappeared. That was devastating to him.

 

[tradosaurus]

Not always the case. Every person is different due to their own set of circumstances IMO.

If you were a child, growing up, and then realizing that you had a birth mother and father living in the world, it goes without saying that the child who grows into an adult may have questions.

The reality is some adoptive parents feel like they are going to lose something if the adoptive child ever contacts their birth parents.

For some reason our one son likes his biological brother, stays in contact with him, and the other brother sometimes just "disappears" which our son gets tired of. Other than his brother, he really has no interest in his sister, biological mother and biological father (and we don't push it, as he's an adult now and he knows what he's doing).

Our other son wanted contact with his biological mother as it was a termination of parental rights case. His biological mother gave him all sorts of things (presents equated to love) and seemed to want contact with him. After our adoption was finalized, our son still had some questions for his biological mother, but when he really wanted to contact her, she just disappeared. That was devastating to him.

My reference should have qualified "adoption" and not divorce cases.

Having adopted my younger sisters daughter at 1 month old my advice would be to NEVER tell the kid he/she was adopted and NEVER tell them who the parents are. Ask me how I know.

I haven't spoken or seen the daugher we adopted in 1991 since 2008 when she decided that her incubator (my sister) would be a better parent since there were no rules.

 

[WinterDeere]

I can't agree, trad. It's too likely to come out later, in fact it's almost certain that it will, and then the child will be hurt by having been kept in the dark all those years. My wife and sister are both adopted. Both have known since birth.

My sister's birth mother did make an attempt to take my sister back at one point, 50 years ago, but was unsuccessful. They reconnected when my sister was in college, and my sister remains close with her and her new-found birth siblings... but she knows who her real family is.

My wife's parents never wanted anything to do with her. My wife has made attempts to contact them on two occasions, but they've rejected the attempt both times. It makes her a little sad, but hasn't been a defining factor in her life. She was very lucky to have great adoptive parents.

 

[tradosaurus]

I can't agree, trad. It's too likely to come out later, in fact it's almost certain that it will, and then the child will be hurt by having been kept in the dark all those years. My wife and sister are both adopted. Both have known since birth.

My sister's birth mother did make an attempt to take my sister back at one point, 50 years ago, but was unsuccessful. They reconnected when my sister was in college, and my sister remains close with her and her new-found birth siblings... but she knows who her real family is.

My wife's parents never wanted anything to do with her. My wife has made attempts to contact them on two occasions, but they've rejected the attempt both times. It makes her a little sad, but hasn't been a defining factor in her life. She was very lucky to have great adoptive parents.

Did the fact that your wife and her sister knew they were adopted at birth instigage the birth mothers attempt to take your wife's sister back?

Mine was complicated by the fact that my adopter daughters birth mother is my sister. Haven't spoken or seen my sister since 2008 either. Hopefully never will unless she apologizes for the hurt caused by her interference. No love lost there.

 

[WinterDeere]

Hah... just re-read my opening paragraph, and realized it could be interpreted two ways. Let me re-phrase: My sister and my wife were both adopted, not my wife's sister. lol...

But no, in the case of my sister, the birth mother likely had no knowledge of whether my parents had told my sister when she made an attempt to have the adoption reversed. They'd had zero contact since my sister was mere minutes old, so she'd have had no way of knowing, when she filed to have the adoption reversed four years later.

Tough situation, I can actually understand a mother regretting the decision to give up a child. But even worse is pulling that child away from the only family they've ever known, when they're 4 or 5 years old, to go live with a mother they've never even met.

 

[lilranch2001]

A man that goes through a divorce where the wife uses the kids as financial leverage, as well as turning the kids against the father, can create a long lasting hatred of not only the wife but the kids (through no fault of their own). Especially if the man is ruined both emotionally and financially.

Theres always another side to every story. And I wonder what curve balls James Earl Johnson encountered in his life?

I seldom agree with Tradeosauris, but I find I agree with him on this post

 

[Sigarms]

Mine was complicated by the fact that my adopter daughters birth mother is my sister.

Life is a crap shoot and no one is promised anything.

I've seen pretty much every angle on adoptions and how they played out. It's really no different than having your own kids. Do the best you can and pray hard...

I've come to the conclusion that staying pissed off at relatives is a waste of your time. Don't get me wrong, I won't get burned twice, but what's in the past is in the past...

 

[Kyle_in_Tex]

Well, I was shocked to find this when I was searching to find out if my father was living or dead. James Earl Johnson was my father, and he went by the name "Jim Johnson" from at least 1967 to 1996. He largely abandoned me in 1972 when he and my mother separated. I last saw him in 2006, when I stopped by his home in Escondido for one last chance for him to show some interest or care. I gave him all of my contact information, and I never heard from him. I occasionally searched to see if he had passed away over the years since. It took a crazy amount of an internet deep dive to find he was posting on this forum and that he had passed away.

I'm sorry to see that among the survivors, myself and a son he had before the marriage with my mother, were not mentioned. He also abandoned his son, and I only heard of him in 1991 when I got to spend some time with my grandmother.

I don't know what happened to Jim that made him abandon his children. It's not something I can imagine doing to my child. He never got to meet or even know of his amazing grandson because he chose not to be a part of his daughter's life. I saw him about five times before I was 18. Once he came to pick me up when I was 8 or 9. I was in the front yard with a friend, and he wasn't sure which of us was his daughter.

I got in touch with him again when I was an adult, and he didn't have the excuse of my mother being an issue (in truth, she wasn't). Again, it was all up to me to maintain the relationship. He talks about whether or not he's a good person in one of these threads. He was affable. I can't speak directly to what kind of person he was, except that he was the kind of person who was either unaware or didn't care about the hurt he caused one little girl in this world. I loved him and I wanted to have him in my life. I'm sorry for whatever may have happened that prevented him from having that.

You are strong. People can be strange. You do look like him. Thanks for sharing.

You can click on his profile name and see his posts dating way back.

My dad left me when I was 8. We were glad the alcoholic/playboy was gone. Skipped the state and never paid child support. Grew up extremely poor, but loved by my mom. I tell her "Happy Father's Day" on father's day, because she was both mom and dad. Never had a step dad (kind of glad about that). Didn't have to share my mom's love with "another man". Now she's 95 and 10 months, and living with us. My wife is a saint and is taking care of her.

I also wonder about what my dad did all those years. He tried to reconnect when I was 18, but I had little or nothing for him. No respect. Spent very little time with him as I aged. He passed in 1988. I put his ashes in the ground in his hometown.

The thing is, you are a much better parent because you know how a crappy parent acts.

God Bless you.

 

[Crash325Daughter]

A man that goes through a divorce where the wife uses the kids as financial leverage, as well as turning the kids against the father, can create a long lasting hatred of not only the wife but the kids (through no fault of their own). Especially if the man is ruined both emotionally and financially.

Theres always another side to every story. And I wonder what curve balls James Earl Johnson encountered in his life?

A man that goes through a divorce where the wife uses the kids as financial leverage, as well as turning the kids against the father, can create a long lasting hatred of not only the wife but the kids (through no fault of their own). Especially if the man is ruined both emotionally and financially.

Theres always another side to every story. And I wonder what curve balls James Earl Johnson encountered in his life?

A man who prioritizes money over his own children is a pitiful person whose values are out of whack. Fortunately, for me, this isn't the issue. There wasn't a financial dispute between my parents or my father and me. Nor did my mother turn me against my father or use me to "win" a divorce. There wasn't an actual divorce until a decade later. Jim didn't value a relationship with his daughter. He didn't check on me or check in with me. As you can read through the posts in this forum, he acted like he had never had children.

He missed out on being part of my life. Having a person in your life who will walk away from their child is toxic. I'm lucky he walked away. But that is an adult perspective; I didn't know that as a child.

If you have abandoned your children and tell yourself it's their mother's fault, it's likely not true. That situation is quite rare, but it is a common excuse. Parents who abandon their children are the only people responsible because parents fight for their children if they care. It's their responsibility as parents to ensure the safety and security of their children. At least those are the values of my family.

 

[dodge man]

So Crash died about 7 years ago. His long lost daughter comes on recently to introduce herself so to speak and saying she enjoyed reading his old posts as a way to get to know him a little better. She also says he abandoned her years ago and didn’t want to get in touch with her really. All this back and forth about abandoning children isn’t probably helping anything at this point. She has sorted her feelings out and he is still dead. Let him rest in peace and his daughter move on.