Todays Joke

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   / Todays Joke #41  
I have a cousin in WV. He and his wife were coming to Missouri to visit a couple of summers ago and I expected them to arrive one Saturday evening.

Well they didn't show and I was getting worried that they might have broke down on the road. Told my wife I would go look for then if they didn't show up by Sunday morning.

Sunday morning they came driving in just as I was about to go looking for them. I asked if they had trouble on the road and cuz said no. So I asked why it took so long?

He said as soon as they crossed the state line into Missouri they saw a sign that said "Clean Restroom Ahead'. "Heck, there must have been 10 restrooms between here and there. Thought we would never get them all clean."
 
   / Todays Joke
  • Thread Starter
#42  
Ozark(cuz),
I kinda of left my self wide open on that...../w3tcompact/icons/laugh.gifand I knew it.....but you seized the opportunity..............
I was down through the Ozarks years ago.....I thought they were very pretty...reminded me of back home here in WVa(cuz)
In all seriousness what is the highest point in the Ozark Mountains? I don't know right off hand,can you tell me?
 
   / Todays Joke #43  
Not sure about elevations but if I understand my geology correctly, the Ozarks Mountains aren't really mountains at all. It just seems like it when you are walking up and down them carrying a deer on your back. It is not like the mountains you have in WV.

The Ozarks was formed by Glaciers and erosion so it's really the Ozarks Gouges. There is evidence that this area was a sea bed at some point in history. They have recently found shark fossils not far from Branson.
 
   / Todays Joke #44  
Bill goes to church on Sunday, and after the sermon, the minister meets the attendees at the door, shaking hands. When Bill's turn comes, the minister says "Hi Bill, you know, we need to enlist you in the army of the Lord". Bill replies that he's already enlisted. The minister says "Then why is it that we only see you on Christmas and at Easter?" to which Bill replies "I'm in the secret service".
Bob
 
   / Todays Joke
  • Thread Starter
#45  
GOD'S VIEW ON LAWNS

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature, what in the world
is going on down there in the U.S.? What in the world happened to
the dandelions, violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago?
I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any
type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The
nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey
bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of
color by now. All I see are patches of green.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are
called the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds"
and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it is so boring, it's not colorful. It doesn't
attract butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's
temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want
grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it
and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing it and
poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and the warm weather probably makes the grass
grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites very happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little,
they cut it -- sometimes two times a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in
bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now let me get this straight: They fertilize it to make it grow
and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut
back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth
and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass
stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to
water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a
sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves
in the spring to provide beauty and shade in summer. In the autumn
they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the
moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they
rot, the leaves become compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural
circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves
fall, the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have
them hauled away.

GOD: No way!! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots
in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing the leaves away they go out and buy
something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in
place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch.

GOD: Enough!! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint
Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you
scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a real stupid movie
about...

GOD: Never mind -- I think I just heard the whole story from Saint
Francis!
 
   / Todays Joke
  • Thread Starter
#46  
Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living.
> >> > When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a
single
> >> > light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many
drivers
> >> > would
> >> > just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away.
> >> >
> >> > But, I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as
> >>their
> >> >
> >> > only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I
> >> > always
> >> > went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my
> >>assistance,
> >> > I reasoned to myself.
> >> >
> >> > So I walked to the door and knocked. "Just a minute", answered a
frail,
> >> > elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.
> >> >
> >> > After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood
> >>before
> >> > me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil
pinned
> >>on
> >> > it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie.
> >> >
> >> > By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no
> >>one
> >> > had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.
> >>There
> >> >
> >> > were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the
> >>counters.
> >> > In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.
> >> >
> >> > "Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said. I took the
suitcase
> >>to
> >> > the cab, then returned to assist the woman.
> >> >
> >> > She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept
thanking
> >>me
> >> > for my kindness.
> >> >
> >> > "It's nothing", I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the
way
> >>I
> >> > would want my mother treated".
> >> >
> >> > "Oh, you're such a good boy", she said.
> >> >
> >> > When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked,
> >> > "Could you drive through downtown?"
> >> >
> >> > "It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly.
> >> >
> >> > "Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a
> >> > hospice".
> >> >
> >> > I looked in the rearview mirror. Her eyes were glistening.
> >> >
> >> > "I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I
don't
> >> > have very long."
> >> >
> >> > I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would you
> >>like
> >> > me to take?" I asked.
> >> >
> >> > For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the
> >> > building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove
> >> > through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when
they
> >>were
> >> > newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that
> >>had
> >> > once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.
> >> >
> >> > Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or
> >>corner
> >> > and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
> >> >
> >> > As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said,
> >>"I'm
> >> > tired. Let's go now."
> >> >
> >> > We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low
> >>building,
> >> >
> >> > like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a
> >> > portico.
> >> >
> >> > Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were
> >> > solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been
> >> > expecting her.
> >> >
> >> > I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman
> >>was
> >> > already seated in a wheelchair.
> >> >
> >> > "How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse.
> >> > "Nothing," I said.
> >> >
> >> > "You have to make a living," she answered.
> >> >
> >> > "There are other passengers," I responded.
> >> > Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me
> >> > tightly.
> >> >
> >> > "You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said. "Thank
you."
> >> >
> >> > I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind
me,
> >>a
> >> > door shut.
> >> > It was the sound of the closing of a life.
> >> >
> >> > I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly,
> >>lost in
> >> >
> >> > thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.
> >> >
> >> > What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was
impatient
> >>to
> >> > end his shift?
> >> > What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then
driven
> >> > away?
> >> >
> >> > On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more
> >>important
> >> > in
> >> > my life.
> >> > We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great
moments.
> >> > But great moments often catch us unaware--beautifully wrapped in what
> >> > others
> >> > may consider a small one.
> >> >
> >> > PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID,
> >> > ~BUT ~
> >> > THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL




Subject: The Lord's baseball game

Freddy and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord's team
was playing Satan's team.

The Lord's team was at bat, the score was tied zero to zero, and it was
the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs. They continued to watch as a
batter stepped up to the plate whose name was Love.

Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because Love never fails.
The next batter was named Faith, who also got a single because Faith works
with Love.

The next batter up was named Godly Wisdom. Satan wound up and threw
the first pitch. Godly Wisdom looked it over and let it pass: Ball one.

Three more pitches and Godly Wisdom walked, because Godly Wisdom never
swings at what Satan throws.

The bases were now loaded. The Lord then turned to Freddy and told him
He was now going to bring in His star player. Up to the plate stepped Grace.
Freddy said, "He sure doesn't look like much!"

Satan's whole team relaxed when they saw Grace. Thinking he had won the
game, Satan wound up and fired his first pitch. To the shock of everyone,
Grace hit he ball harder than anyone had ever seen.

But Satan was not worried; his center fielder let very few get by. He
went up for the ball, but it went right through his glove, hit him on the head
and sent him crashing on the ground; then it continued over the fence for a
home run!

The Lord's team won! The Lord then asked Freddy if he knew why Love,
Faith, and Godly Wisdom could get on base but could not win the game. Freddy
answered that he did not know why.

The Lord explained, "If your love, faith, and wisdom had won the game
you would think you had done it by yourself. Love, Faith and Wisdom will get you
on base but only My Grace can get you Home.





Red marbles During the waning years of the depression in a small southeastern Idaho community,
I used to stop by Mr. Miller's roadside stand for farm-fresh produce as the
season made it available. Food and money were still extremely scarce and bartering
was used, extensively. One particular day Mr. Miller was bagging some early
potatoes for me. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but
clean, hungrily appraising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my
potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover
for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help
overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller and the ragged boy next to me. "Hello Barry, how are you today?"
"H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas ... sure look good."
"They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?" "Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time."
"Good. Anything I can help you with?" "No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."
"Would you like to take some home?" "No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."
"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"
"Is that right? Let me see it." "Here 'tis. She's a dandy."
"I can see that. Hmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do
you have a red one like this at home?" "Not 'zackley ......but, almost."
"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me
look at that red marble." "Sure will. Thanks, Mr. Miller." Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile
she said: "There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very
poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes
or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he
decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce
for a green marble or an orange one, perhaps." I left the stand, smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I
moved to Colorado but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys and their
bartering. Several years went by each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and
while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his viewing
that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon our arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the
deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.
Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the
other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts ... very professional
looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing smiling and composed, by her
husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek,
spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped
briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each
left the mortuary, awkwardly, wiping his eyes. Our turn came to meet Mrs.
Miller. I told her who I was and mentioned the story she had told me about the
marbles. Eyes glistening she took my hand and led me to the casket.
"Those three young men, who just left, were the boys I told you about.
They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them.
Now, at last, when he couldn't change his mind about color or size..they came to
pay their debt. "We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she
said, "but, right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho." With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband.
Resting underneath were three, magnificently shiny, red marbles. Moral: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds.
Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our
breath. P.S. God Loves You. [Pass it on] People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said, but they will always
remember how you made them feel.




Subject: Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven


The day finally arrives; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is
at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are
closed
and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St.Peter says, "Well, Forrest,
it's
certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform
you
that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an
entrance
examination for everyone. The tests are short but you have to pass them
before you can get into Heaven."
Forest responds, "It sure is good to be here St. Peter, Sir.
But
nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't
too
hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only
three
questions.
First: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T?'
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next
day
and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a
chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one-how many days in the week
begin
with the letter 'T?' Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and
Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims,"Forrest, that's
not what
I was thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't
specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in
a
year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk
about
that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in
Heaven's
name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says "Shucks,there gotta be twelve: January 2nd,
February
2nd, March 2nd..."
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going
with
this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in
mind, but
I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the
next
and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure" Forrest replied, it's Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated, frustrated St. Peter. "Ok,
I can
understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,
but
just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the
first
name of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I
learned it from the song: 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY
TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN......'
St. Peter opened the gate and said: "Run, Forrest, Run!"





Subject: How It All Started: The Real Story
> >
> >
> >
> > After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So,
> > how is everything going?" inquired God.
> >
> > "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied, "the sunrises and sunsets
> > are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I
> > have just this one problem.
> >
> > It is these three breasts that you have given me. The middle one pushes
> > the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,
> catching
> > them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they are a real pain."
reported
> > Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
> > came
> > in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., that she felt that having
> > only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced", as
> she
> > put it.
> >
> > "That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this,
> > you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
> only
> > half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right
> away."
> >
> > And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the
> > bushes.
> >
> > Three weeks passed, and God once again visits Eve in the garden. "Well,
> >
> > Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
> >
> > "Just fantastic," she replied, "But, I feel so alone. You see, all the
> > animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull, all
> > the animals have a mate except me. "
> >
> > God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right, you do
> > need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now
> > let's see...where did I put that useless boob?"
> >
> > Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that business about the rib?






Subject: Why go to church?




A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a
newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go
to church every Sunday. "I've gone for 30 years now,"
he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something
like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me, I can't
remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting
my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving
sermons at all."

This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the
Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It
went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:
I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my
wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But for the life of
me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one
of those meals. But I do know this: They all
nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do
my work. If my
wife had not given me these meals, I would be
physically dead today.

Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment,
I would be spiritually dead today!" When you are DOWN
to nothing.... God is UP to something! Faith sees the
invisible, believes the incredible and receives the
impossible! Thank God for our physical AND our
spiritual nourishment!




All right ... now that you're done reading ... send it
on!!! I think everyone should read this!! "When Satan
is knocking at your door, simply say, "Jesus, could
you get that for me? "!!!!"
 
   / Todays Joke #47  
Ok I think we are going to need a ruling on this from the Moderators or the Forum master, as to whether or not this has been the longest post to date or not.

Any Bets?
 
   / Todays Joke #49  
Great tip, Brad! I hate having to take the >>>'s out manually!

Thanks!
 
   / Todays Joke
  • Thread Starter
#50  
Thanks Brad./w3tcompact/icons/smile.gif
 
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