What would you do?

[N80]

I respect the advice I get here on TBN on a wide variety of topics. This is way out in left field but let's say this is a hypothetical situation, a friend in need of advice, etc.

Here's the set up: Eighteen year old boy goes off to college about 2 hours from his parents. Its a small liberal arts school. He is a freshman; he's been there less than one month. He has generally been a good kid but all summer prior to leaving for school the kid stayed in his room a lot, spending most of the time on the internet. Pretty withdrawn but continued with his summer job and got into no real trouble.

Two days ago he texts his parents that over Thanksgiving break he intends to drive two thousand miles to meet a girl who he met on the internet and that he says that he loves. They've never met face to face. When his parents asked to talk to her parents, he says that she does not get along with her parents. She is 20 years old and a senior in college.

Here is the question: He is 18 so he's an adult. But he is still totally supported by his parents. He's been very sheltered and has never traveled on his own. Would you let your 18 year son old drive two thousand miles to meet someone he met on the internet?

 

[jinman]

NO! ...for every obvious reason you can imagine.

 

[Steve C]

I respect the advice I get here on TBN on a wide variety of topics. This is way out in left field but let's say this is a hypothetical situation, a friend in need of advice, etc.

Here's the set up: Eighteen year old boy goes off to college about 2 hours from his parents. Its a small liberal arts school. He is a freshman; he's been there less than one month. He has generally been a good kid but all summer prior to leaving for school the kid stayed in his room a lot, spending most of the time on the internet. Pretty withdrawn but continued with his summer job and got into no real trouble.

Two days ago he texts his parents that over Thanksgiving break he intends to drive two thousand miles to meet a girl who he met on the internet and that he says that he loves. They've never met face to face. When his parents asked to talk to her parents, he says that she does not get along with her parents. She is 20 years old and a senior in college.

Here is the question: He is 18 so he's an adult. But he is still totally supported by his parents. He's been very sheltered and has never traveled on his own. Would you let your 18 year son old drive two thousand miles to meet someone he met on the internet?

No but are not going stop him from doing what he wants to do. Instead offer to fly the girl to your place for the thanksgiving holiday, she doesn't get along with her parents, possibly for a good reason so she might as well spend the Holiday at your place. You will get a chance to meet her and determine what is going on. If you don't have a spare room, rent her a hotel room and let your son drive her back and forth.

 

[Charlesaf3]

How about this - kind of like the above, I think it would be a bad idea to stop him - he'd probably just do it and not tell you. College freshmen, even if supported by parents, think they are adults, and know everything.

Rather than trying to stop him, try to control the situation subtly - like people said, bring her to your place.

Though fundamentally, at 18 he really should be able to go 2000 miles on his own... I bet many of us did before that. Maybe let him go, and just try to make sure he does so safely? Buy him plane tickets? At a certain point he's got to stop being sheltered, or he'll move back into his parent's basement when he graduates and never leave...

For whatever that's worth..

 

[MossRoad]

I respect the advice I get here on TBN on a wide variety of topics. This is way out in left field but let's say this is a hypothetical situation, a friend in need of advice, etc.

Here's the set up: Eighteen year old boy goes off to college about 2 hours from his parents. Its a small liberal arts school. He is a freshman; he's been there less than one month. He has generally been a good kid but all summer prior to leaving for school the kid stayed in his room a lot, spending most of the time on the internet. Pretty withdrawn but continued with his summer job and got into no real trouble.

Two days ago he texts his parents that over Thanksgiving break he intends to drive two thousand miles to meet a girl who he met on the internet and that he says that he loves. They've never met face to face. When his parents asked to talk to her parents, he says that she does not get along with her parents. She is 20 years old and a senior in college.

Here is the question: He is 18 so he's an adult. But he is still totally supported by his parents. He's been very sheltered and has never traveled on his own. Would you let your 18 year son old drive two thousand miles to meet someone he met on the internet?

Ouch! Hard one to answer. 18-21 is such a gray area. You are old enough to kill for your country but not old enough to choose to drink a beer! My folks told us we had to abide by house rules while we lived there. And as long as they were paying the bills, that seemed pretty fair to me.

For this particular case, 2000 miles is an awfully long way to go to meet someone. Its 4000 miles round trip (if he ever comes back at all). I'd be extremely worried that he would get there, decide to stay, then break up. What is he going to do then? My advice as a parent would be that he should continue the long distance relationship until next summer, then go visit her(if he has the funds) and get to know her. Plan on staying a few weeks. If things work out, return to school for another year while planning to change schools near her location. Heck, my wife and I dated for 6 years before we got married, so I know it is possible to wait.

 

[MarkV]

That is a tough one George. Things have change from the time I was 18 but way back then if the folks were paying the bills then they still had the say, on most things. The girl is in college, he is told, which is a good thing. Do they plan on Thanksgiving at her folks place or in a motel? Does the kid have much common sense? Aware of internet scams, STD's and such? Tough one for sure.

I do like Steve's idea of bringing her to them. Does dad have a good enough relationship with the kid to say look, your mother isn't going to sleep the whole holiday we need to work something else out. You know how women are.

If you can get some base information there are services to check someone out. The internet is a good start. Most college kids give a great deal of information on Facebook and other such sites.

Glad my kids are grown these days.

MarkV

 

[studor]

I tend to think that I would just let him go -- cell phone, number to call etc. I think the novelty will wear off quick -- I would not worry until it doesn't. On the positive side I can not think of a better way to learn maturity -- remmeber you are only young once but you can be immature forever JMHO

 

[woodchuckcanuck]

It sounds like your friend has not yet met the girlfriend. So why not set up a video conference on the Internet. Use Skype, its free. That way you get to put a face to the name, see how she interacts with you and the boy. If the boy is on Facebook, surely she will be as well. Then you can see who his and her friends are as well. Its a cheap alternative to get more info.

 

[woodchuckie]

Make a road trip out of it with you or grandparents or whoever. Could be a late graduation gift.

 

[hr3]

Steve nailed it,, Offer to fly her there...that way if it's a scam she will back out,,,and the boy should be able to see this,,well maybe,,men in general follow... well you know...

 

[alchemysa]

Generally a road trip is a great experience but in this case No Way! Does the kid have any idea how far 2000 or 4000 miles really is? He could get tired, emotional, impatient etc. Put him or her on a plane.

 

[N80]

Thanks for the advice guys. Lots of good thoughts. The parents involved also feel that if they pay the bills then they still have some say in matters. The boy, of course, wants it both ways. He wants the money, the car the tuition and all the freedom.

I think that Moss Road has hit on the big concern. He gets there, he likes what he sees, skips out on college and then, because it was an internet relationship, things go south and there he is.

Anyway, it is my understanding that his parents have offered to communicate with her parents, pay for her to fly to him/them, pay for her hotel, guarantee her safety and allow them a to get to know each other.

It was my advice to the parents that there is no way they should let the boy go out there on his own under those circumstances. I just needed to see if you guys generally agreed.

I agree that he could still do it without their blessing but that they would have to decide how much that was going to cost him in terms of tuition, car, car insurance, cell phone, etc, all of which they provide for him. (He's been pampered). If he was paying his own way, or had a job, or was in the military, etc, it would be totally different.

 

[Dutch445]

Yes it is scary,

a couple red flags,
the girl doesn't get along with her parents
the boy has been somewhat sheltered, and is a little withdrawn

it sounds like the parents are trying to carefully
work with the first one, and offer to communicate with
her and her parents, which is a good thing.

if the young man has been somewhat sheltered from
these situations to this point, it could be his first real
crush, and in his eyes love. if he's never dated before,
then it could be a very sketchy situation with this girl
2000 miles away.

if this was a friend of mine and his son, i'd recomment they try
their best to get the girl's parents involved, and even do a little
investigating of her "story". verify high school, college, work history,
just to make sure she really is who she says. I would think his parents
could communicate with her, openly, and get a better idea of how the
girl comes across. maybe in the end, it is still best to have the girl travel, bus or plane trip, on a school break.
it does sound like it has been ongoing, and now that he is in school, maybe he doesn't care for it as much as he thought, especially with his thoughts off
in the distance with her.

good luck to the familes of both

 

[EddieWalker]

Even though 18 is legally an adult, I've found that most people are not mature until about 25. Some take longer and some sooner, but it takes about five years on your own to really get a clue about reality.

I met my wife on the internet and we chated online for months before actually meeting face to face. It wasn't because she lived that far away, but that we were getting to know each other online without any sort of pressure. In my opinion, I really liked gettting to know her better this way then any other method that I've experienced.

There are way too many variables and unknowns to judge or make a call one way or another on the two people involved. Besides their age and my prejudice towards all young people not having a clue, I'm against this because long term relationships have a very high probability of failure.

If it was me, I'd tell him that I couldn't afford to give him the money for the visit. If he wants to go, he's going to have to pay for it himself. If he has a credit card for expenses at school, I'd be sure to restrict his usage of it and tell him thathe is not allowed to use it for travel or vacations. Then tell him that you're all for it and to have a great time!!!

Eddie

 

[hitekcountry]

My thoughts run somewhat parallel with Eddie Walker

Id say OK great you want to stand up and be a man and make a huge decision such as this on your own, fine. Of course a real man capable of making this kind of decision doesn't need his parents to provide him a car or insurance or any of his travel expenses and or support him any more. You're 18 you're now an adult and now you want to take on full responsibility for yourself. That's your choice

If you drop out of college, and stay with this girl then you're going to support yourself and your new girlfriend. If this is what you really want then you should have what you want.

The thing is I would not be kidding. I never bluff on a thing like this. Bluffing won't work.

He wants to be independent, make his own decisions, let him. He thinks he is qualified to make his own life changing decisions, then he must feel he is capable of taking care of himself and living with the consequences.

He needs to understand that Independence and responsibility go together He wants one, he MUST take the other. He is free to choose.

He needs to face reality. He needs to be presented with reality.

He wants to act like a man then treat him like a man and not a child.

 

[tallyho8]

I was going to express my view but hitekcountry said it exactly the way I feel.

 

[Soundguy]

that's probably a good 30-35 highway hours of driveing!

soundguy

 

[RedRocker]

My daughter was grown but still pretty young when she decided to work
at a place I didn't approve of. I simply told her that I would cut all financial
ties if she took the job, but she was free to do as she wished. She passed
on the job. I'd offer your son the same deal.

 

[Sigarms]

Interesting, my wife had me take some classes on child rearing, which honestly I didn't think I needed, but I found it both interesting and amazing.

Id say OK great you want to stand up and be a man and make a huge decision such as this on your own, fine. Of course a real man capable of making this kind of decision doesn't need his parents to provide him a car or insurance or any of his travel expenses and or support him any more. You're 18 you're now an adult and now you want to take on full responsibility for yourself. That's your choice

If you drop out of college, and stay with this girl then you're going to support yourself and your new girlfriend. If this is what you really want then you should have what you want.

The thing is I would not be kidding. I never bluff on a thing like this. Bluffing won't work.

He wants to be independent, make his own decisions, let him. He thinks he is qualified to make his own life changing decisions, then he must feel he is capable of taking care of himself and living with the consequences.

He needs to understand that Independence and responsibility go together He wants one, he MUST take the other. He is free to choose.

He needs to face reality. He needs to be presented with reality.

The problem I see with your course of action is for better or worse, this is not how the parents raised the child, and the child, who has now become an adult is now "trained" on how his parents will react. Bottom line, the teen is spoiled, and in more cases than not, the teen has never had to account for his actions if there were negative results to either the teen or family. At this point in time, the teen makes a choice, and that choice is disasterous, and the parents aren't there as they always have been, I'm guessing there will be horrible results for both the teen and the parents (which will be guilt ridden).

When I first took these classes developed by some child shrinks, my first thought was it would be a very "liberal" view on what not to do to children. I was surprised to find out that children need to be held accountable for their actions and the belt (or it's my way or the highway) for negative stimulous is not always the best course of action, and it actually makes some sense.