You Know You Are Old When

[WinterDeere]

I lift the bed sheet to see if I have a tag on my big toe.

"The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated." -- Sam Clemens (aka Mark Twain)

 

[newbury]

I work with many nurses but they keep getting younger.

Almost all are in long-term relationship or married... don't think there is one not married or engaged.

The University of Vermont has a Medical College attached to it so there were always a lot of "pre-docs" (which made my major, Biology, difficult) and also a lot of nurses working at the medical college. And maybe being the '70's and wind down from 'Nam many of them were footloose and fancy free.
Good times.

 

[bigtiller]

Wife #1 went to collage to be an RN. She showed me what she learned that week during a quickie.
With her thumb and finger, she gave me a thump and that was the end of the quickie.

At work, she carried a heavy teaspoon in her pocket to do the thumping for those moments when guys were thinking knotty thoughts.

 

[Alan W.]

Do you put carbon filters in your undies?

I "dated" several hot nurses after college. They would do things like that advertently, hoping to get a rise from the patient.
But that was the early '70's.

My wife wishes I would

 

[Fuddyduddy1952]

These work except it smells like poop in the woods.

 

[Alan W.]

These work except it smells like poop in the woods.View attachment 879253

I assume the tapered end goes in first.

 

[MossRoad]

I no longer receive the newspaper to check the obituary to see if I should continue with my day
so now before getting out of bed I lift the bed sheet to see if I have a tag on my big toe.
NO tag and I get out of bed knowing its going to be a good day.

I think if I found a toe tag I'd get out of bed and start causing a panic.

 

[masseyrider]

Reading all this I decided to write my obituary.
What do ya'll think?

The Grim Reaper took Kevin Smith by the hand kicking and screaming Saturday evening after a lifetime of medical maladys that baffled physicians and his wife Edith of 40 agonizing years.
Kevin suffered from extreme flatulence and recently retired from DuPont working in the hydrogen sulfide division.
Kevin met Edith while visiting Barnum & Bailey since she had hypertrichosis, no sense of smell and was deaf. Understandable that Edith was Kevin's first relationship.
He leaves to mourn "Plasti Swat" his bearded lizard, his collection of electric shavers and a worn out La-Z-Boy recliner since he had Kleine-Levin Syndrome as well as Cotard delusion which explains why Edith waited so long before calling for assistance as well as being deaf and not remembering the number for 911.
Kevin was proud to tell about the day he cleared out Yankee Stadium with his trimethylaminuria, even proudest since he could pronounce it.
In a large crowd Kevin would grab women blaming it on Alien Hand Syndrome so the doctors suggested he take up painting where he developed symptoms of Stendahl's Syndrome.
He decided to vacation once in Papua New Guinea and back home couldn't stop laughing. He was finally diagnosed with Kuru after revealing having brains & eggs for breakfast.
Kevin led an interesting albeit boring life and thankfully Earth will be a more fragrant place from his demise.
Family will receive guests at the deceased home...please wear a mask you'll thank Edith later. Kevin will be cremated and guests will be served Edith's smoked salmon hors d'oeuvres.

Re=write
The Grim Reaper wants nothing to do with Kevin Smith.
He has a bad Mojo and as such has been subject to endless accidents, injuries and embarrassments.
Nothing Beelzebub can do for him in HELL that he hasn't already done to himself.
His continued punishment will be to stay alive.
Heaven doesn't want him either.
They just got everything perfect and he threatens to disrupt that.

 

[WinterDeere]

You guys talking about the director of Clerks and Jay and Silent Bob fame? Always thought his movies were pretty funny, esp. Clerks really hit home for any of us who worked in a convenience store in high school.

 

[seville009]