there's about several thousand dollars worth of 2 cents in this thread so here's $1,000.02. any woman that you give a gift to should be grateful to receive it no matter what the original source is. its the thought that's supposed to count not the material goody itself.
Female advice needed
- Thread starter daugen
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tractorshopper
Veteran Member
Daugen, I'm very sorry for your loss. I almost lost my wife unexpectedly 2 years ago next month at the age of 38. I don't know what I would have done or how I would have coped, but her stuff would have gone to our daughters and her sisters I'd presume is how I would have handled it.
We have had some of those morbid talks since that event, although probably still not enough. I know it cannot be easy to discuss for you, but some of us may benefit from the very questions you're asking and thoughts you're expressing as you move forward. I know for me this thread has once again made me realize how I shouldn't take mine for granted. I'll be praying for you.
We have had some of those morbid talks since that event, although probably still not enough. I know it cannot be easy to discuss for you, but some of us may benefit from the very questions you're asking and thoughts you're expressing as you move forward. I know for me this thread has once again made me realize how I shouldn't take mine for granted. I'll be praying for you.
dmccarty
Super Star Member
I can certainly see if the dead spouse was put on a pedestal that this would not bode well for a new relationship but the surviving spouse would be at fault for doing so when in a new relationship. If a person said they would not date a widow/widower, well that is a good filter, one should realize they dodged a bullet and lots of drama and move on. Men die before women on average, so for a man, there are more women available than men. For a change, the man gets to be a bit picky after a certain age. :laughing::laughing::laughing:
My neighbor certainly did not have problem getting a date with different women after his wife died. He waited until he was ready to date and he had a nice social life for awhile. Frankly, at his age, getting divorced would be a bigger warning sign to be than having a spouse die.
Later,
Dan
OP
daugen
Epic Contributor
Randy, That certainly is logical and sensible. However, since the female mind is not logical and sensible all the time, a minor understatement for many...
then it gets interesting. My problem is an overactive conscience and a faith mandate to be truthful, so I was concerned about appropriate disclosure. Got that figured out, don't think I'll give that nice emerald bracelet away and then chat about when I gave it to my last wife...
:fiery: Gosh, it looks better on you honey. unch:this is for sure. sorry for your loss and best of luck to you.Randy, That certainly is logical and sensible. However, since the female mind is not logical and sensible all the time, a minor understatement for many...
4shorts
Elite Member
Daugen on behalf of my wife and I please accept our sincerest condolences. So sorry to hear about your loss. You'll be in our prayers.
As for the jewelry. It reminds me of my days when I was a service manager with a GM dealership. The techs would come into my office and ask "Do you think these brakes need to be replaced?" I would answer " if you need to ask you must feel they do need to be replaced".
It's kind of the same here or at least it's the way I see it. If you need to ask you know it's not right. I'd get rid of the jewelry. Why risk putting tension on a new relationship some time having it around. I asked my wife what she thought and she said she would NEVER want anything to do with it in any case.
Hope you find peace and comfort sir.
All the best to you.
Paul
As for the jewelry. It reminds me of my days when I was a service manager with a GM dealership. The techs would come into my office and ask "Do you think these brakes need to be replaced?" I would answer " if you need to ask you must feel they do need to be replaced".
It's kind of the same here or at least it's the way I see it. If you need to ask you know it's not right. I'd get rid of the jewelry. Why risk putting tension on a new relationship some time having it around. I asked my wife what she thought and she said she would NEVER want anything to do with it in any case.
Hope you find peace and comfort sir.
All the best to you.
Paul
Egon
Epic Contributor
Hmmm; female advice?
varmint
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This thread makes me think about a good friend whose wife passed away after battling cancer for 5 + years, leaving my friend devastated, but surrounded by people who had known and loved them both. As he cleaned up their house, giving away much of what they had collected in their many travels together, he didn't find some beautiful, valuable indian silver and turquiose necklaces he had given her over the years (he would go to Central America for a couple weeks most winters for intensive Spanish language study, and had found a silver master who's work he admired in the city where the language school was, and would get a necklace as a gift for each trip she allowed him- not needed, but appreciated.) His wife had loved them. Not too long after her memorial service, (which had over 500 folks travel to attend, telling you a lot about his wife) in a small midwest town, he ran into a local woman they had both known- someone without much money, who was wearing one of the necklaces. His wife, in the months before she died, had had this woman, and several others, admire her necklaces while she was wearing them. If she felt those women would truely appreciate them, she would simply take them off, and put them on the other woman's neck and tell them it was a gift, to be enjoyed. He encountered several of these necklaces in the ensuing months. They all felt as if they needed to explain why they had them, and treasured the memory of the woman who had given them away. My friend was fine with that.
My advice would be to store them away, and perhaps you will be lucky and find someone else wonderful. Maybe, or maybe not, they would appreciate what you have saved. Just play it by ear, whenever the time is right. And, sorry for your loss.
My advice would be to store them away, and perhaps you will be lucky and find someone else wonderful. Maybe, or maybe not, they would appreciate what you have saved. Just play it by ear, whenever the time is right. And, sorry for your loss.
OP
daugen
Epic Contributor
I continue to appreciate all the good thoughts. It's been a week since my wife died and I'm still in a fog but each day is better. This is not something that is easy to write about on a public forum, but you know, all of us have to go through this, well most of us, and I'm hoping some good will come of it.
After seven years, a dozen operations, three radiations, five chemo treatments, thirty hospital stays, most a week or more, I am just plain exhausted. And we all know that good decisions usually don't come when we are tired...so I'm not trying to rush things. It's my wife's sister who is still in town from the funeral who seems to think it's perfectly ok for her to go through every drawer in our house looking for mementos of her sister. She has no idea how invasive that feels. If I find something family oriented, it will go back to family. I guess she is just grasping for some continued connection, and I feel for her. I sure know what that's like.
so I'm going faster than I want, but this too will pass. Yesterday the sister and SIL packed clothes for three hours, and then I let them have their pick of handbags and costume jewelry. But when they started to discuss who should get the Coach handbag, and almost began arguing, I lost it and barked at the sister that I was not going to listen to them argue over my wife's stuff. Maybe this is just normal and I'm not used to this. My wife's new sewing machine is going to one lady and her serger to the other. Luckily the SIL is an accomplished seamstress who can really use the machinery. So I feel good about that.
Varmint, nice story about your friend, thanks.
After seven years, a dozen operations, three radiations, five chemo treatments, thirty hospital stays, most a week or more, I am just plain exhausted. And we all know that good decisions usually don't come when we are tired...so I'm not trying to rush things. It's my wife's sister who is still in town from the funeral who seems to think it's perfectly ok for her to go through every drawer in our house looking for mementos of her sister. She has no idea how invasive that feels. If I find something family oriented, it will go back to family. I guess she is just grasping for some continued connection, and I feel for her. I sure know what that's like.
so I'm going faster than I want, but this too will pass. Yesterday the sister and SIL packed clothes for three hours, and then I let them have their pick of handbags and costume jewelry. But when they started to discuss who should get the Coach handbag, and almost began arguing, I lost it and barked at the sister that I was not going to listen to them argue over my wife's stuff. Maybe this is just normal and I'm not used to this. My wife's new sewing machine is going to one lady and her serger to the other. Luckily the SIL is an accomplished seamstress who can really use the machinery. So I feel good about that.
Varmint, nice story about your friend, thanks.
Coyote machine
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Grief comes in different ways for different people, but the general concept is that one goes through 5 stages; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Here is the reference from which the above originated:Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
A week is just scratching the surface of your eventual pain. Take it easy, really, and don't let sister's or SIL's push you where you aren't ready to go. You ritefully so expressed some anger and frustration about the handbag rift, good for you. Let them know how you feel about what's going on and that you can't stand by and watch them fight over material stuff. If need be enact drawing straws to keep the claws from coming out.:confused3:
A faith based truth telling streak is fine, yet try to temper your desire to be truthful with the effect it may have on others. There is no requirement to hurt others by being truthful, so temper the two, to have the desired outcome without causing any participants pain. Slow and steady.
Here is the reference from which the above originated:Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
A week is just scratching the surface of your eventual pain. Take it easy, really, and don't let sister's or SIL's push you where you aren't ready to go. You ritefully so expressed some anger and frustration about the handbag rift, good for you. Let them know how you feel about what's going on and that you can't stand by and watch them fight over material stuff. If need be enact drawing straws to keep the claws from coming out.:confused3:
A faith based truth telling streak is fine, yet try to temper your desire to be truthful with the effect it may have on others. There is no requirement to hurt others by being truthful, so temper the two, to have the desired outcome without causing any participants pain. Slow and steady.