Parents with dementia, how dealing with that has gone.

[ultrarunner]

Nothing quite prepares one but with a little grace inner strengths can be tapped.

Dementia is when the filters fade…

It’s been a year and the process continues… I may never clear everything but now it’s on my timeline.

I have seen families store things for decades only to be tossed…

Living in times where less is more it can be a challenge and I admire those able to focus on the task.

Keeping you in my prayers and thoughts…

 

[ultrarunner]

What my brother and I did after both parents passed: first he and I and my sons took what we wanted, second we had an auction company come to the house and prepare an estate sale. Then what remained, we took to charity thrift stores or the dumpster. I was surprised at all of the things people actually bought at the estate sale. Things that I would have thrown in the dumpster.

Estate Sales use to be a thing but rare now here.

I think some of my co workers will never forgive relatives leaving behind a household of belongings…

Sad because unless you accept the task of executor no one says you have to do anything…

Brother is a Real Estate broker and every year a distant executor will sight unseen list a property and task the Realtor to dispose of everything and get the property sold… so I know it happens.

In another example entire estates are left to charity or the church…

 

[jyoutz]

Estate Sales use to be a thing but rare now here.

I think some of my co workers will never forgive relatives leaving behind a household of belongings…

Sad because unless you accept the task of executor no one says you have to do anything…

Brother is a Real Estate broker and every year a distant executor will sight unseen list a property and task the Realtor to dispose of everything and get the property sold… so I know it happens.

In another example entire estates are left to charity or the church…

Our estate sale last September was quite successful. And the sale managers did all of the work. We were pleased with the outcome.

 

[ultrarunner]

I’m thinking location and or community makes a big difference…

Saw my high school friend when he came back to clear out the family home after dad passed.

He reached out to estate sale firms and several flat out said they exclude Oakland.

Another asked for pictures and wanted a guaranteed minimum of several thousand.

Short answer is he asked neighbors to help themselves and donated a lot to St Vincent Society and the rest for the Realtor to deal with.

Brothers in-laws had a small family farm estate sale in Illinois and couldn’t believe how well it went… someone even bought a pile of old boards from the barn, 1930 signs, Maytag gas washer, plows, shaker cabinet… everyone was happy…

 

[jyoutz]

I’m thinking location and or community makes a big difference…

Saw my high school friend when he came back to clear out the family home after dad passed.

He reached out to estate sale firms and several flat out said they exclude Oakland.

Another asked for pictures and wanted a guaranteed minimum of several thousand.

Short answer is he asked neighbors to help themselves and donated a lot to St Vincent Society and the rest for the Realtor to deal with.

Brothers in-laws had a small family farm estate sale in Illinois and couldn’t believe how well it went… someone even bought a pile of old boards from the barn, 1930 signs, Maytag gas washer, plows, shaker cabinet… everyone was happy…

My parents estate sale was in a small mountain town in northern Arizona.

 

[ultrarunner]

My parents estate sale was in a small mountain town in northern Arizona.

Makes sense... urban ares with barred windows guessing not as lucrative...

 

[Thomas]

Thoughts prayers to family.

 

[HawkinsHollow]

So sad to hear this Arly, way to be there to support your wife in these hard times.

That is a pretty cool recumbent bike in the garage, a good handful of gems in there.

Luckily my parents just moved from Illinois to Tennessee to live closer to my brother and I. My mom had LOTS of stuff. My dad had 75 years worth of stuff in his garage. Luckily I took all the good stuff, but there was lots of other stuff that got left. They had to pare down considerably to make this move, and I appreciate them for that. For moving closer and the effort it took to get here. My mom is beside herself with joy to be here though and that is what is most important, that she is happy.

On the flipside. And maybe this is an idea for another thread as not to hijack Arly's thread. I have LOTS of stuff too. I am only 49 so I have plenty of time to use this stuff. But how can we live more mindfully as we age to not leave our offspring in this same situtation? I know you guys have shops full of stuff too.

 

[FPGT72]

Sorry you're going through this. Around here, folks used to have auctions to sell off the personal property and the real estate, but sometimes you're in a situation where you have to just deal with it yourself.

Auctions are a bit odd it seems today. When my mother died I had a 3500sq foot house FULL of "old lady" stuff.....and two gray hounds. I got lucky with the dogs as the officer they sent out wanted them, great they are yours. The cop called some family member and inside of an hour they are gone. Not bad dogs, just not trained at all past house training.

The Auctions, I bet I called about a dozen companies to see if they wanted to come out and do something with all this artsy fartsy crap she had. What I think happened is they took one look at the address, older and poorer, as well as border line rougher part of town and said they are not interested. Then I send the last company a few pics of this crap, oh yea they are interested, and the funny thing is 3 of the companies that had told me no called me back saying they would love to do the auction for me. I asked them if the letters FO mean anything to them. I was not in the best frame of mind, and I had not talked to my mother in years, she did try to kidnap my child, but that is a story for a different thread.

What ended up happening is a guy that got cleaned out in a divorce wanted to buy the house and everything that was in it, down to the last spoon and fork. Well that is a winner. You can have it all but these few things and he was cool with that.

Hopefully the family is cool, you learn a great deal about people once someone dies, it is usually (never) good.

 

[RjCorazza]

We dealt with clearing out my parents home in 2019. Siblings all discussed and removed sentimental items, which was time consuming, but worth it. Remaining items were managed and sold at the estate sale, with a lot going to charity or the dump.

What I learned was that at the end of the day it's all just "stuff".
Sorry you are going through this, and I wish you the best.

 

[Runner]

Arly, I was in your situation a few years ago. Hang in there. My process lasted a number years, from my Mom going into assisted living and eventually to skilled nursing unit. Had to clean out the house with 60 years of possessions. This was the house I grew up in that my parents literally built with their bare hands.

A couple of things that surprised me:

First, banks and other institutions seem to balk at power of attorney documents that are old. My Mom assigned me as power of attorney in 1992 and had a signed, notarized document so stating, but banks said it was "too old". I thought the whole idea of power of attorney was to make the arrangement early so it would be ready when/if needed. I finally wound up having to get and attorney to draw up a new one for us to stop the hassles. And, by the way, our lawyer had a good idea, he specifically listed items in the POA he knew would be problematic, like trusts, annuities, bank accounts, etc. This helped immensely.

Second, I was surprised at how much stuff (furniture, appliances) would disappear just by setting it out in the front yard with a "free" sign on it. Not talking about nice stuff, but old 1970's chairs, used old washers/dryers, old beds/mattresses. People were literally fighting over them in the driveway.

For me, getting rid of the "stuff" was the hardest physical work, but dealing with all the legal stuff was most difficult and time-consuming.

I wish you the best in this endeavor.

 

[sixdogs]

Folks. I've been in northern MN for a few weeks to move the spouses parents into assisted living. Her mom developed dementia and her dad has declined ability to care for her over the past year. Spouse had been in Ely for over a month now to help them move and now we're cleaning out the place which is quite the job since they bought the place in the early 1960s. Gee whiz this is a job, and we have a dumpster order. House is going up for sale etc, etc. This is why I've not been posting much.

It's good that you're there for them and willing to step up to the plate. They would have done it for you and it's a kind gesture on your part. I think that somehow, they know.

 

[ArlyA]

We dealt with clearing out my parents home in 2019. Siblings all discussed and removed sentimental items, which was time consuming, but worth it. Remaining items were managed and sold at the estate sale, with a lot going to charity or the dump.

What I learned was that at the end of the day it's all just "stuff".
Sorry you are going through this, and I wish you the best.

Man you got that right but we need to get rid of "stuff" before a certain age or "i might need that" takes over all rational. The siblings are taking items of emotional value. Some items went to Good Will, just a few will go to fb marketplace. The rest in in the dumpter. The brother-in-law has already told me "that can be sold, someone would want that!" And my response is "I agree, you a free to do that," and the suggestion ends there. My spouse has done 90% of the work her. Here brother didn't even think to bring a trailer. Yes, we suggested he do so.

 

[MossRoad]

Interesting finds. Old cameras and your how to do blasting book. He spent his entire life in the iron mines. View of the garage but lots of stuff already out.View attachment 871373View attachment 871375View attachment 871376

Blasters handbook... keep that for sentimental reasons. I have my dads Army demolitions manual from WWII sitting in the curio cabinet.

 

[MossRoad]

Man you got that right but we need to get rid of "stuff" before a certain age or "i might need that" takes over all rational. The siblings are taking items of emotional value. Some items went to Good Will, just a few will go to fb marketplace. The rest in in the dumpter. The brother-in-law has already told me "that can be sold, someone would want that!" And my response is "I agree, you a free to do that," and the suggestion ends there. My spouse has done 90% of the work her. Here brother didn't even think to bring a trailer. Yes, we suggested he do so.

When my father died, my siblings and I split up the things we wanted, filled a cube van for St. Vincent DePaul, a cube van for Goodwill, and three 20 yd dumpsters. We thought about doing a sale, but the donations to SVD and GW felt pretty good and more likely what the folks would have wanted.

Good luck.

 

[ArlyA]

Blasters handbook... keep that for sentimental reasons. I have my dads Army demolitions manual from WWII sitting in the curio cabinet.

This one was written by Dupont corp for mine operations. One of the photos or a print in it are Dupont and Thomas Jefferson conferring on building location.

 

[caver]

I keep reminding my mom, to get rid of it or it's likely to end up in a dumpster. Lots of nick knack clutter. She still has old clothes that are like new from my older brothers estate. She grew up poor so hates to throw stuff away. She looks at charities as some sort of money laundering scheme. I'm leery of most charities but thankfully we now have another thrift store in town besides $$Goodwill.

 

[ArlyA]

Got back last night and my dearest is heading back to work for 3 days. (I just retired in March) She assumes its a piled up mess in her department. In her home town, they had a brand new powered of attorney drawn up but 1/2 her time was spent going to another bank to sign more papers, getting the assisted living unit to do this and that, and getting drugs who her folks were running out of found that had been send to the wrong pharmacy. Between making calls, seeing here folks, going back to signing yet more papers, very little time was spend organizing there belongings. We are heading back over the weekend.

 

[ultrarunner]

Got back last night and my dearest is heading back to work for 3 days. (I just retired in March) She assumes its a piled up mess in her department. In her home town, they had a brand new powered of attorney drawn up but 1/2 her time was spent going to another bank to sign more papers, getting the assisted living unit to do this and that, and getting drugs who her folks were running out of found that had been send to the wrong pharmacy. Between making calls, seeing here folks, going back to signing yet more papers, very little time was spend organizing there belongings. We are heading back over the weekend.

Without at least 1 advocate the outlook for anyone needing help is hit or miss at best

 

[FPGT72]

I keep reminding my mom, to get rid of it or it's likely to end up in a dumpster. Lots of nick knack clutter. She still has old clothes that are like new from my older brothers estate. She grew up poor so hates to throw stuff away. She looks at charities as some sort of money laundering scheme. I'm leery of most charities but thankfully we now have another thrift store in town besides $$Goodwill.

My inlaws are "down sizing", and me and the kid are getting all their junk. They have really gone off the deep end IMHO, the wife tried to give them this little tool that makes opening jars far more easy. We don't need that we are downsizing, we need to thin things out. I got a DVD player I gave them about 10 years ago back, along with a quart of used motor oil the father in law had just changed the oil in the mower. Well thanks I guess.

My mother was just the reverse, she had file cabinets full of stuff, cancelled checks from 1972, why would you keep that. The reciept from the car your father bought you in 1954, why do you have that. Even stuff for things she never got, the paperwork on my uncles car from 1960 that again my grandfather bought for him. Why do you have this stuff. I had a nice big fire.