Some beaver humor for the day, taken from my archives of funnies:
The following is a genuine hoot. This was an
actual letter sent to Ryan De Vries from The Michigan
Department of Environmental Quality, State of
Michigan. Wait till you read this guy's response -
but read the entire letter before you get to the
response. Mr. Ryan De Vries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339
Dear Mr. De Vries:
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W,
Sec. 20; Montcalm County
It has come to the attention of the Department of
environmental Quality that there has been recent
unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the
legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity: Construction and
maintenance of
two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of
Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the
start of
this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no
permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this
activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes
and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental
Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the
Michigan Compiled Laws,annotated. The Department has
been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event,
causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations. We find that
dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and
cannot be
permitted. The Department therefore orders
you to cease and desist all activities at this
location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow
condition by
removing all wood and brush forming the dams from
the stream channel. All restoration work shall be
completed no later than January 31, 1998.
Please notify this office when the restoration has
been completed so that a follow-up site inspection
may be
scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with
this request or any further unauthorized activity
on the site
may result in this case being referred for
elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and
would appreciate
your full cooperation
in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if
you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RESPONSE
Dear Mr. Price:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec.
20; Montcalm County
Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been
handed to me to respond to. First of all, Mr. Ryan
De Vries is
not the
legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget,
Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a
couple of
beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams
across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While
I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam
project, I think they would be highly offended
that you call their skillful use of natural
building materials
"debris."
I would like to challenge your department to
attempt to emulate their dam project any time
and/or any place
you choose. I believe I can safely state there is
no way you could ever match their dam skills,
their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam
persistence, their dam determination and/or their
dam work ethic. My first
dam question to you is:
1) Are you trying to discriminate against my
Spring Pond Beavers or
(2)do you require all beavers throughout this
State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these
particular beavers, through the Freedom of
Information Act I
request completed copies of all those issued.
Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam
violation of Part
301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451
of the
Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan
Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is -
aren't the beavers entitled to legal
representation? The Spring
Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are
unable to pay for said representation - so the
State will have to
provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's
dam concern that either one or both of the dams
failed
during a recent rain event causing flooding is
proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the
Department is
required to protect.
In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond
Beavers alone rather than harassing them and
calling their
dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a
dam free-flow condition - please contact the
beavers - but
if you are going to arrest them (they obviously
did not pay any attention to your dam letter being
unable to
read English) --be sure they are read the Miranda
rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more
flooding or dam debris jams
by interfering with these dam builders. If you
want to hurt these dam beavers - be aware I am
sending a copy
of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If
your dam department seriously finds all dams of
this nature
inherently hazardous and truly will not permit
their existence in this State, I seriously hope
you are not
selectively enforcing this dam policy or once
again both the Spring Pond Beavers and I will scream
prejudice! In my humble opinion,
the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is
blue, the grass is
green and water flows downstream. They have more
dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If
the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it
should protect
the natural resources (Beavers) and the
environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the
beavers and I are
concerned, this dam case can be referred for more
elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait
until
1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the
dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your
dam staff to contact/harass them then. In
conclusion, I would like to bring to your
attention a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the
area. It is the bears. Bears are actually
defecating in our
woods. I definitely believe you should be
persecuting the defecating bears and leave the
beavers alone. If you
are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch
your step! (The
bears are not careful where they dump!) Being
unable to comply with your dam request, and being
unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am
sending this response to your day office via another
government organization - the dam USPS. Maybe,
someday, it will get there.
Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten