givers and takers,how do i say NO

[scott_vt]

Mornin Alan,
Boy you do get yourself in some jams /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

I think honesty works best in most cases! Tell them that your very busy with your own projects,. that yes, you have done some feebies in the past but the thrill has worn off. And no, your not letting someone borrow a piece of equipment that is worth alot of money! If they dont like it oh well! If you do want to do the job and they are willing to pay, offer to do it reasonably, end of story! Easier for me to say than you /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

scotty

 

[rox]

Alan,
Yup time t say No but I know you will do it in a gentle way. Only one item I can add to the suggestions so far, is to get the name and phone number of a good contractor. Have it in a handy spot and when the question comes, bow out but say something like, "I am sorry I can't help more, but I honestly have my own projects lined up, but here, let me give you the number of a good contractor I have heard good thing about..." Then let them take the name and number. Key is to give them an alternative at the same time you are saying No Thanks. I really do think you did enough, more than enough.

 

[EddieWalker]

The two that work really well for me are;

Sure, I'd love to help, but I've got so much to do already, I'll have to get back to you when I can get away. Any chance you could come over for a few days and help me finish off a few projects?

Than;

My tractor needs a special trailer to move it and it costs $400 round trip to move it, plus it costs another hundred a day to run it in fuel and oil. If you give me the cash, I'll put you on my list of things to do.

So far I've never had any reminders or repeat requests for help. Of course, if I really want to help out a friend, I'm there that day.

It's the mooches that don't want to even pay for the fuel to run the tractor that seperate those I'll help from those that I don't.

Eddie

 

[Nasty135]

Hey Fellas, This is a Hot topic of mine ,So I hope you don't mind a little comiserating /forums/images/graemlins/crazy.gif if you please...

Here is my situation and how I have learned to deal with it...
/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif... /forums/images/graemlins/smirk.gif... /forums/images/graemlins/shocked.gif... /forums/images/graemlins/mad.gif... /forums/images/graemlins/crazy.gif... /forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif... /forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif... /forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif... /forums/images/graemlins/tongue.gif If you have the know-how and are a nice guy who likes to help others :you will be taken advantage of:

If you want the work just say , Yea I can do it for $$$ and see want happens. While not forgetting to mention just how busy you are already.


EDIT: I had alot more in between the blanks but felt some writers remorse after verbalizing my vailed and not so vailed criticisms about my wifes CLAN, Afterall I did go to church yesterday /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

 

[guyrj33]

Sounds like your relative in law needs a tractor of his own. Offer to sell them yours or offer to help them shop for a new one.
/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[escavader]

BOY ,IM SITTING HERE THINKING WHAT TO DO,IM STILL LOST!! I could buck up ...do the job,avoid contraversy.I do that and the siblings,will want there jobs done too.If i say no ,i know the person will get pis.... off .The wife will give me the cold shoulder,and complain that she helps make the payments.Or"he will help you when you need help" To be honest i could kinda do without that kind of help,if you get what im saying.OOOOHHHHH what to do.I think ill put a sign on my tractor that says CHARITY FOR HIRE.I know,ill hide the tractor down the neighbors,and tell them it was stolen,then ill only use it from midnite to 4 am /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif
ALAN

 

[Sigarms]

Be your own man and do what you think is right.

No one here can grow a set for you if you don't already have them.

 

[HomeBrew2]

Well ... I can only tell you what worked for me. And, it worked extremely well, I might add. Though I don't recommend it to anyone else!!! As with the old cliche', JUST SAY NO. And I mean NO to your wife, NO to the relatives, NO to all the friends of relatives, NO to those that might someday be friends of friends. Keep your collar turned up and your back covered. Above all else, "appear to be a nice guy", but stick with NO. "NO" is not bad, nor mean, nor confrontational. BUT, a sociopath will at all cost, make you THE bad guy. You've got to be willing to put it ALL on the line though. I did that 10 years ago. The worst day of the last 10 years was exponentially better than the best day living with blood-suckers. As they say, freedom has a cost ...

I wish you well

 

[JoeR]

People take kindness for weakness and nobody can take advantage of you without you letting them do so.

Honestly, I have been in your shoes, and had to become blunt. You are being manipulated, and you need to do something now or it will continue. How dare they schedule work for you without asking! Your situation has me all fired up since I have been through it. /forums/images/graemlins/mad.gif

There is nothing wrong with helping them, but they are abusing you now. If the work needs to get done, you set the schedule and the price. Tractors consume fuel and require maintenance. They are running up the hours on your tractor, then they should at least pay for that. I would hit them up for $20/hr and that's a deal! Otherwise, they can rent a machine themselves. Tell your wife that her portion of the payment doesn't include depreciation or fuel. Overall, you can donate your time for free, but any family member should have the decency to offer some kind of compensation for fuel and maintenance. You didn't buy the tractor for them. If you had a boat, would you be taking them out on the water every weekend???

Sorry for the rant, but my Mother-in-law pulled this stunt with me. Eventually, my wife started to understand my point...

Hope you can work it all out....

Joe

 

[CT_Tree_Guy]

<font color="blue"> a sociopath will at all cost, make you THE bad guy. You've got to be willing to put it ALL on the line though. </font>

Good stuff all, but the above really caught my eye. Boy oh boy, did that ring true for me, about being made the bad guy for politely sticking up for yourself.

And I do mean "politely". Calling them names ("cheapskate, manipulative, user") takes you from the high ground right down into the mud. If you kindly and lovingly explain to them what you need (to not do it at all so you can concentrate on your own plans, goals and dreams, or do the work for them but charge them a fair price), that's all you need to do, and you'd be totally within your rights.

If they don't feel that you have the right to kindly express (and stick by) your needs and feelings, that's where "laying it ALL on the line" comes in. You don't owe anyone your soul, freedom or peace of mind. It's your life - live it on your own terms, with or without the people who are currently in it.

Again, say everything you have to say with kindness and love. If you don't get the same thing back, you tried your best. Be kind, but don't give yourself away; you won't have much left if you do.

Ricky Nelson, rest his soul, said it so well; "You can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself".

Good luck Alan.

John