Grandson update ...

[TripleR]

Yes your right ... but I'm worried that we are the only ones in his life. I can understand how he feels about his lifestyle. For the first time he has love and respect ... he is in our hip pocket. In his world there is nothing more than Grandpa and Grandma.

He has duty, responsibility and obligation and like any kid on a scale of 1-10 he's in there at a 6-7 ... yes he forgets some chores. His grades go up and down ... he loves to accomplish things and has more than once told me ... Grandpa there isn't anything that we can't do... we are firm and we do discipline, reward accomplishments.

He just does not interact ... he has a four wheeler, kids in the neighbor hood that he could get together with ... he just doesn't.

Last baseball season he came home and told me "the other boys think I weird" I asked him why ... he said because I change into my uniform in the bathroom ... I said that may be a little weird ... boys are boys and its okay to change in the locker room with all the rest of the boys. I don't know if he changed that or if he still does it his way. I haven't asked.

One of the first things a professor said that really made sense was<If it took a kid thirteen or fourteen years to get this way, don't expect quick changes, look at it in the long term. I am sure you are already seeing improvements.

Gauging "social skills/interactions" is really difficult and treman makes some valid points, history is replete with successful individuals who were socially awkward. My uncle was just like treman. I do have some concern about his preference for younger children; may be significant and maybe not.

His age is a difficult time for many kids no matter how well adjusted they may seem. We watched our kids go through it as well as some grand kids and have one that age now and her mom is pulling her hair out.

As to the bullying, sadly it certainly is nothing new and the ideal situation is for the child to handle it, but I agree, beyond a certain point if a student can't successfully deal with it, something must be done.

One of the TBN members JOHNTHOMAS is a retired counselor and minister who still does counseling and you might want to shoot him a PM, he knows a lot more about this and is a really nice guy. He should be able to point you in the right direction as to resources, reading material and possibly ally some of your concerns.

 

[blueriver]

I do have some concern about his preference for younger children; may be significant and maybe not.

I think its because they are not bigger, don't pick on him.

 

[blueriver]

One of the first things a professor said that really made sense was<If it took a kid thirteen or fourteen years to get this way, don't expect quick changes, look at it in the long term. I am sure you are already seeing improvements.

I tell my wife the same thing everyday ... we just have to understand him and help him. She's not as patient as I am with him.

 

[TripleR]

I think its because they are not bigger, don't pick on him.

That could very well be true and it could also be a bridge on which to safely build on and catch up with his socialization skills.

I tell my wife the same thing everyday ... we just have to understand him and help him. She's not as patient as I am with him.

Love and patience are extremely important; love is the easy part. Advising others to be patients is a lot easier for me than practicing it, but I do believe it is essential.

 

[txdon]

Does your school not have a bullying policy? Broken ribs and a child that can't relate to others because of fear. He may say everything is ok but it is not. Sometimes the parents and the school board need to step up. Is the bully running the school board?

Do not let a small comunity rob you grandson of his dignity.

I know you are trying to do the right thing but broken ribs, there has to be a line someplace between teasing and death and I think this is the point where tolerance should not be accepted.

I would also expect the school board to reimburse you for medical expenses and glasses. It happen while he was in their care, right.

"I believe if I am diplomatic and continue to get more involved in the school I can help."

When bullys break children's bones the time for diplomacy ends and enforcement of the adults start.

I commend you for stepping up and taking care of your grandchild.

 

[JOHNTHOMAS]

Here is a source to buy books and names of books Thriftbooks Used Books - SearchBooks to buy or borrow at the Library that I believe will be very helpful if you have taken on the responsability of raising a Child, any Child.
Bullys have always been around and I guess will always be around. Usually they are very insecure individuals and are in need of some serious (positive) attention themselves. I'm sure every Teacher and School Administrator knows who they are but being teachers and not Counselors don't usually have the time or training to deal with them.
I taught HS for one semester after teaching several years at the College and had to make the choice of being a Counselor to one girl or a Teacher to the class, not enough time to do both. I had to choose Teacher since that was what I had Volunteered to do and it was a tough decision since my heart is as a Counselor. I had to remove her from the class and hoped someone was dealing with her "Dysfunctional Family" issues.
I know it's hard to hear and especially when it's your child that is on the receiving end that the "Offender" is probably living in a horrible family situation and no one can or is doing any thing about it. I hear alot about how the GOVERNMENT is wasting OUR money and often times they are, but........many services provided by your neighbors who are paid by the government provide some very needed and valuable services. Hopefully Social Services or the School Counselor are involved in this issue and if not they should be.

 

[kevincook]

Ok, I'm not a professional so I might be all wrong.

YOU need to be involved with the parents of the children your grandson's age. This will be a little awkward since you are from a different generation but you need to be involved with the parents generation on a regular basis....several times per week. Have them over for pizza night with the kids, cookouts in the back yard, a square dance in the barn, bonfire in the back yard, etc. Get in the loop and the parents will start including you in there get togethers. Most of these events will be informal with a couple of parents just deciding to get together on Friday night, then they'll ask the other parents they normally associate with. You'll have to go out of your way to start doing things the other parents are doing.

Your grandson is "new" and teenagers can be brutal with anyone a little different. You said he plays baseball, try to get him involved in some activity almost continuously year round. My kids liked sports and changed to something different every three months, but they played year round. Maybe your grandson likes sports or drama or computers or riding dirt bikes, whatever it is just get out there and do it....he will meet friends.

The last thing I'll recommend is find out which adult has influence with the kids. Maybe a teacher or the baseball coach or one of the parents. Explain the situation to them and ask them to talk with the other kids. Ask the other kids to be nice and try to be friends for a month, sit with him at lunch, invite him to join their group whenever he is alone. Ask them to do this for just one month.......after that time at least some of them will realize they like hanging out with him....he's just like they are.

There are good parents out there and if they knew what was going on they would make sure it didn't continue. I don't think my son was ever in a fight, it is just not in his personality. He was pretty popular and pretty big so nobody every gave him a hard time, however, I told him several times starting in about 7th grade that if he ever sees another kid being bullied or picked on that he had a responsibility to stop it. If new kids arrived in the school he and his friends needed to actively invite them to join in with their group at lunch, sports, pizza after school, whatever they were doing.

You're doing a great job and I commend you for your efforts, your grandson will appreciate this for the rest of his life. Now go out there, get involved with the younger crowd and have some fun.

Good Luck,
Kevin

 

[Western]

Does your school not have a bullying policy? Broken ribs and a child that can't relate to others because of fear. He may say everything is ok but it is not. Sometimes the parents and the school board need to step up. Is the bully running the school board?

Do not let a small comunity rob you grandson of his dignity.

I know you are trying to do the right thing but broken ribs, there has to be a line someplace between teasing and death and I think this is the point where tolerance should not be accepted.

I would also expect the school board to reimburse you for medical expenses and glasses. It happen while he was in their care, right.

"I believe if I am diplomatic and continue to get more involved in the school I can help."

When bullys break children's bones the time for diplomacy ends and enforcement of the adults start.

I commend you for stepping up and taking care of your grandchild.

I'm with Don all the way on this one. The boy has a "right" to feel safe at school. or at least come back home in the same condition he went in.

A broken rib into the lung would be catastrophic, but broken "anything" has gone to far.

Maybe a martial arts class would help him defend himself and build his confidence.

 

[blueriver]

Well everyone thanks for all the advice. I met today with the Principal as well as 2 of the board members. Long story short ... I have informed them I will not tolerate any more mishaps with this boy ... if they can not keep it under control I will be forced to contact what ever authorities I have to too see this come to a halt ... I told them, kindly that I felt it was there responsibility to pay more attention to whats going on around the school and if they can't handle it I am convinced that there are members of law enforcement, social services as well as the State that when involved they surely can handle it.

Time will tell ... some of you had some strong words that sank in ... I took on the responsibility of raising this boy and I guess this is part of it.

 

[Western]

Well everyone thanks for all the advice. I met today with the Principal as well as 2 of the board members. Long story short ... I have informed them I will not tolerate any more mishaps with this boy ... if they can not keep it under control I will be forced to contact what ever authorities I have to too see this come to a halt ... I told them, kindly that I felt it was there responsibility to pay more attention to whats going on around the school and if they can't handle it I am convinced that there are members of law enforcement, social services as well as the State that when involved they surely can handle it.

Time will tell ... some of you had some strong words that sank in ... I took on the responsibility of raising this boy and I guess this is part of it.

:thumbsup: It's "trail by fire" with every child since they are different and individual people, but sometimes (often) they need a little more protection in some areas to help them along.

BR I would hold the school to the "grill" on this as I'm sure you will. If they drop the ball or lax on it, hit them with everything you can, you will be doing good for every child that depends on an adult for justice at that school.

 

[TripleR]

Keep us posted on your progress as many may encounter this at some point. One of my daughters is a teacher who has taught in public and private schools with some handling it well and others quite poorly.

 

[dmccarty]

Sometimes when you talk to a person about a problem they might not quickly answer questions or open up for a discussion especially if the problem is sensitive to them. Sometimes all you can do is ask a simple INDIRECT question. "How is it going at school?" is a better question than "Are you getting bullied at school?"

"How is it going at school?" is more likely to get a conversation going. "Are you getting bullied at school?" is likely to get a quick "No." answer.

Letting someone know that they CAN talk to you works as well. Let them decide to talk when they are ready.

Later,
Dan

 

[blueriver]

Well its only been a few days since my little visit ... no bully problems. Report cards and parent teacher conference's where coming up. Mysteriously the school schedule disappeared from the bulletin board in the kitchen ... days went by and we asked about the report card ... then the phone rang and one of the teachers asked why we missed the conference and what did we think of the boys report card ????

We questioned him about it and couldn't get a solid answer as to the where abouts of the report card.... "I don't know where it is" "No body gave it to me" ... well I finally told him if you don't bring home a report card don't bother coming home (I Know harse)

Well last night he brought home a print out from the office ... not the usual one with # of days absent, tardies, GPA's ... just the basic class, teacher and grade. I was working in the shop when he came in and asked how my day went ... still aggrevated I quickly switched gears and stated well I quess if your home we have a report card? He hung his head and replied yes ... I asked if I was going to be proud or disappointed. He started in with trying to make a excuse and I quickly told him I didn't ask for an excuse I asked if I was going to be proud or dissapointed ... he stated disappointed. Well that was an understatement. So ... now I have to get him to understand this and that the grades he brought home are unacceptable ... I mean one of the "F's" was a low as 34% ... I spoke with that teacher last night and was told he simply refuse's to do anything in class.

Oh the joy of being a Grandpa ... Grandma did not take it well and told him the books that he needs to bring home tonight ... I got a feeling his evenings are going to be book involved.

 

[dmccarty]

....
Oh the joy of being a Grandpa ... Grandma did not take it well and told him the books that he needs to bring home tonight ... I got a feeling his evenings are going to be book involved.

It is hard.

Our oldest really struggled for a while in school. Not quite sure why other than she learned to pull certain strings and she could get out of work. It took many a night doing home work for her to catch up. Some of the home work was not her fault, she had one teacher that simply went overboard on home work. It was not pleasant for any of us. She was very resistant to doing the work. I think it was partly being lazy, frustrated, and not understanding the work. She also would make it difficult for us to help.

Eventually, it took a year or two we got the problem solved. Now she is getting very good grades and we do not have to ride her fanny to get her work down. She finally realized it was easier for her to just do the work rather than us having to act like DI's talking to a boot.

Flip side is that getting bullied like he is/was has to affect his ability to focus and work. No excuse for not doing the work but the bullying is not/did not help him mentally.

Later,
Dan

 

[dmccarty]

... I spoke with that teacher last night and was told he simply refuse's to do anything in class.
...

My question to the school and teacher would be why did you wait this long to tell me there is a problem? They knew there was a problem and they should have told you.

We have had this conversation with our school as well. A kid would be doing ok, or even well, but then a bad attitude and work ethic would happen so the grades dropped. By the time we found out it was report card time. The teacher saw this happening and told us NOTHING until we saw the report card. At that point it is a bit late.

Later,
Dan

 

[acme97]

Don't give up hope on him. As a backdrop story, I was a terrible student. I hated authority, class clown, mostly a loner. Failed several grades, finally dropped out in 10th grade. Went to an Air Force recruiting statione and said I wanted to go in. The recruiter was bored so let me take the ASRAP (sp) test to see what fields I might be good in. Scored off the charts and qualified for any enlisted position they had at the time. Being 17, I had to get my fathers permission, which I did as he was recovering from an operation. So, in I went. LIGHT came on - besides having a successful 20 yr career, I earned my GED, 2 Associates Degrees, a Bachelors, Masters, and now I'm working on a PhD. Some of us are just slow learners on the lessons of life.

 

[texasjohn]

Blueriver, I recognize the "refuses to do anything" symptom...have sent you a PM.

Dmccarty, I also recognize the poor grades unreported by the teacher symptom as well.

Acme97, congrats to you for finding your way in the end! And thanks for sharing it with us:thumbsup:

There is HOPE! May each of us find a way to turn on our own light and that of our loved ones who struggle with fitting into the accepted behaviors of modern society.

 

[dmccarty]

...

There is HOPE! May each of us find a way to turn on our own light and that of our loved ones who struggle with fitting into the accepted behaviors of modern society.

Exactly! :thumbsup:

I implied too not give up hope but it may not have been obvious since I said it in a round about way.

Blueriver, you and the wifey are doing the right things but there will be the ups and downs.

I might have mentioned this previously, but we have a nephew that had it really bad as a baby and young child. My MIL is now raising him. He has come far in a very short time. Given the hole he started in, it is amazing how far he has advanced. He is getting good grades and is doing well socially in school for the most part. He is a pretty shy kid but he likes to play football which has helped him socially. He likes football because he has to wear a helmet. With a helmet nobody can see him. :laughing:

If you do get frustrated go outside and split wood or run the tractor. :thumbsup: It helps. :laughing:

Later,
Dan