Growing Old With Dignity

[Sigarms]

The only way to go. Quick, sudden, unexpected and with little or no suffering. Hopefully he didn't even know it.

Generally I would agree with you but... Phone call from my dad, mom was at a hospital in Fairfax, VA and he told me to get up there ASAP (she was on her 3rd or 4th valve replacement over 20 years and she had slowed down for the last month and the medical profession was basically playing "hot potatoe" with someone whose long term chances were more than dim). Flew up the next morning, spent the afternoon with my mom in the hospital, and she died that night.

I'm forever greatful that I got to spend that one last day with my mother talking with her, and she made sure I knew what I supposed to do.

 

[mark02tj]

In a perfect world the kids would rally but it ain't going to happen... they all have lives and kids proms, sports, etc...

It ain't a perfect world, ultrarunner! :laughing: But, after your mom is gone you can rest easy, with a clear conscience, that you were a pretty AWESOME SON! Over the last few years I've read a lot of your posts about your interactions with your mom. The most amazing saga was your quest to retrieve her stolen car that she had actually picked up at the factory. You are giving up your personal life to take care of your mom - that is pretty special and something that a lot of kids would never think about doing.

I'm the youngest of 4 kids. I'm also the one that stayed in the immediate area. I could write a book about the excuses that siblings come up with for not helping, but I should stay positive. My brother is the worst though. He lives about 75 minutes away, but is working in another state right now (a newly acquired job). When my Dad passed away last month, my brother got a week off work to come back home. He arrived back in Ohio on the Friday evening after my Dad passed on Thursday evening (the evening before). Due to waiting for my out of state sisters to arrive, we didn't have Dad's service until Thursday (a week after he'd passed). After the service, I asked my brother if he'd had a chance to stop by and see Mom in the nursing home. "Nope, not yet." Nor did he see her before heading back to his job on Sunday. This was after he hadn't seen her in several months, even before taking the out of state job. Oh, well.

 

[ultrarunner]

I think some of it is old school how one is raised...

When things go South my stabilizing thought is one day at a time.

I have also learned a few things along the way... like when Mom would pull out the contents of the file cabinets saying she was looking for something... but couldn't remember what... after the third time I keep them locked and putting a lock on the guest bedroom door has helped immensely... it is a secure place where I can put things out of harms way until I have time...

I can't say enough about the neighbors... after 50 years of being helpful to all Mom is on the receiving end... they do look out for her and are a tremendous help...

One of the ladies at work took in her niece for one year as she as going to a graduate program here... it has been the better part of a year and not once has the niece visited Grandma... who is 5 minutes away... I guess priorities are different...

 

[Complete Turf Care]

I'm the youngest of 4 kids. I'm also the one that stayed in the immediate area. I could write a book about the excuses that siblings come up with for not helping, but I should stay positive. My brother is the worst though. He lives about 75 minutes away, but is working in another state right now (a newly acquired job). When my Dad passed away last month, my brother got a week off work to come back home. He arrived back in Ohio on the Friday evening after my Dad passed on Thursday evening (the evening before). Due to waiting for my out of state sisters to arrive, we didn't have Dad's service until Thursday (a week after he'd passed). After the service, I asked my brother if he'd had a chance to stop by and see Mom in the nursing home. "Nope, not yet." Nor did he see her before heading back to his job on Sunday. This was after he hadn't seen her in several months, even before taking the out of state job. Oh, well.

I have a brother who drives by my parents apartment to and from his work every day. He has stopped to see them maybe 4 times in the 4 years they have been there. And 2 of those 4 times were when they wanted to give each of us a little money, and 2 were when dad asked him to get them some shiners so he could go fishing.

It really frustrates me that he doesn't go see them and help me with them. Last week I asked him to bring dad's hearing aid to be repaired and he said he didn't have time. But yet he has time to take this week off to go turkey hunting in Texas.

I know that he has some issues to deal with. He lost a 4 year old grandson, who lived with him, to cancer 2 years ago, and he lost a son to suicide about a year ago. But he would not go visit mom and dad even before the grandson was born, and he lived right next door.

I just try to keep my mouth shut, and I do as much as I can for my parents and don't worry about what others do, or don't do.

 

[wheelbuilder]

The only way to go. Quick, sudden, unexpected and with little or no suffering. Hopefully he didn't even know it.

We lost my Step-Dad like that just before Christmas past. Knowing him, it was the best way to go, even if he was only 70. He'd never have put up with being sick.
On the other hand, it sure was hard on my Mom and my Wife who found him about 30 minutes after he collapsed.
I don't think I'd want to be found by a loved one, no matter the cause of death.

 

[D2Cat]

I just saw this thread and read the last several pages.

My wife and I took care of our neighbor for 4 years after his wife died from cancer and asked us to keep an eye on him. He was soon diagnosed with dementia and progressed to Alzheimer's. We tried to get some of his relatives to help, but they refused. His nephew and his wife told us one morning when we called to tell them he needed some family support, "We all be better off to find him dead." I know exactly where we were when my wife told me that after hanging up the phone. It was a Sunday morning, we were on our way to church. I told my wife to delete that number from her phone, we don't need to call it any more.

During the stages of the disease many personality changes happen. One of the pieces of literature that, I think, gives great insight is this booklet by Frank Broyles who was the football coach at the Univ. of Arkansas. When he wrote this it was supported by Wal-Mart because they are headquartered there and supported the Alzheimer's support organizations.

https://www.amazon.com/Coach-Broyle...ocphy=9023860&hvtargid=pla-597533124166&psc=1

I learned about the book while listening to the radio. In the interview Coach Broyles told about riding home from a shopping trip with is wife, coming home, pulling into the driveway and up to the garage and his wife asked, "What are we doing here?" He explained that's where we live... and she'd argue. After much explaining he was exasperated and finally decided to drive around some more. When he pulled back into the drive, she had no refusal and admired their home. The coach got the inspiration from that incident to do something about how to handle the disease. The book is written from the perspective of a coach coaching his young team members the details of a football game. I would highly recommend it. I have a couple of others also, but I may have given them away, I'll look.

 

[Jstpssng]

^^^^

My mother spent many nights "driving him home"; getting into the car, going around the block then returning to the house that my father grew up in; and where they had lived since my grandfather passed away in 1979.

 

[ultrarunner]

I will need to look into the book...

It is similar what is happening now... come home and Mom has every suitcase packed, dresser, night stand all packed into 5 suitcases... she said it is time to go back home... thing is she has lived in her home 50 years.

I said where is home? She said you know... where we live... and then said the nice people that let us here surely need their home back... what is a kid to do other than keep adapting to the situation...

 

[Industrial Toys]

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”

― Will Rogers

 

[D2Cat]

Ultrarunner, here is a download of the booklet. http://www.town.halifax.ma.us/Pages/HalifaxMA_COA/alzheimersplaybook.pdf Might glean some tips!

I noticed there are several books listed in the Amazon link, at the bottom.